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This Emotional Life on PBS

marshajacobson — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 04:19:08 +0000

Where have I been? I was really upset to read an article by Kristi Helm in the Seattle Times entitled, “Paul Allen – Conceived PBS Series Looks at Human Emotions“. Too late!

I appear to have missed it. It is a three part series talking about the secret to happiness. The series examines the science of emotions including therapies based on this science. It then looks at personal stories and how they relate to our scientific knowledge. Not least, the series will help to further de-stigmatize depression, anxiety and other forms of human suffering.

Something this important is bound to repeat and I am vigilantly scanning the TV guide daily!

Did anyone manage to watch it? What did you think?

Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com .

Guest Blog: Should We Protect Our Kids From Difficult Situations?

marshajacobson — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 19:14:08 +0000

I’d like to welcome Shara Lawrence-Weiss as a guest blogger on mychildfeels.com. Shara operates a great informational website called, “Early Childhood News and Resources.”

Raising children is not easy, especially in difficult times. It is during these times that honesty becomes so important. Say what you mean and mean what you say because children “hear” our non-verbal communication as loudly as our verbal conversation. Shara suggests that rather than shield our children during times like these that we engage them and teach them coping skills to help them become successful adults.

Thanks for the insight Shara!

Marsha

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Should we protect our kids from difficult circumstances?

In my parent’s generation it was understood that children should be kept from hearing, or seeing, difficult situations: financial, marriage, family, etc. Our parents did this in an attempt to keep our hearts from breaking. They wanted to protect us.

With protection, however, comes a bit of head burial. Much like an Ostrich with his head in the sand. The difficult circumstances still exist but the Ostrich cannot see them – temporarily. When the head is pulled out of the sand, though, the aftermath of the circumstances may well bring a bit of shock to the poor fellow.

What? Huh? What happened to my food? It was right there, just a moment ago!

Parenting could well be viewed this way, also: if we attempt to protect our children from every difficult situation, they might be left wondering: “What the heck happened? How do I deal with this NOW?”

Consider the following hypothetical situation:

Mom: Your father is upset because it’s been a long day. He’s just tired. Everything is fine. Go to bed now and tomorrow will be a new day! You’re fine right? Good night, kiddo. Love you!

Child: But…I know something is wrong. I can feel it. I can sense it. Dad used to be more laid back and easy going. Have I done something wrong? Why does he hate me now? What can I do to make it right?

Now consider this hypothetical situation:

Mom: Hey, kiddo. We know you are wondering what’s going on. We’ll be honest with you. Your dad lost his job this week. The company downsized and several daddies were left wondering what to do. It’s not easy for your dad right now. He feels as though he’s let us all down. We may need to reconsider how we’ve been spending money and I might need to get another job for a while. That will cause some stress on the family but we’re going to work hard to be positive, have faith that everything will work out, and keep the lines of communication open. We’ll plan a fun day out, together, soon – like a picnic at the park. This won’t be easy but we’ll pull through. We always do.

Child: This makes sense. Of course dad is feeling bad and now I get it. I’m glad it wasn’t me or anything I did. Yeah – let’s go to the park soon!

By giving our children the skills needed to talk through situations, we’ll help them for the short term and for the long term. No family (single parent, two parent, or otherwise) gets through life without any difficult circumstances. This is not logical or feasible.

The key is to demonstrate an ability to communicate, feel, empathize and work through the difficult times. If our children see that hard times come, yes – but can be worked through as a team – they’ll be ready for successful adulthood.

About the Author:

Shara Lawrence-Weiss is the owner of Mommy Perks, Personal Child Stories, Early Childhood News and Resources and Kids Perks. She has a background in education, early childhood, nanny work, published freelance, marketing and special needs.

Separation Anxiety In Summer Camps

marshajacobson — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 15:55:26 +0000

With summer just ahead, it looms for some little ones. Summer camp can be a frightening new experience for young children and brings on separation anxiety not unlike first day at school jitters. There are some simple preparatory things that a parent can do to lesson their child’s anxiety.

An article on earlychildhood.suite101.com entitled, “Dealing With Separation Anxiety in Young Children at Summer Camp” by Susan Caplan, elaborates. It’s worth a quick read.

Look for other articles on this topic. It is a very common anxiety for lots of kids and worth investigating.

The Me In Parenting

marshajacobson — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 20:57:20 +0000

I was undiagnosed, but in retrospect clearly diagnosable, with depression from age 12. For much of my youth I “other-reflected” rather than self-reflected. I made the worst attitudes of others my own. I would say that I hated the way others viewed my depression but I really just hated myself. Through necessity born from the passing of time, I came to acceptance. But it wasn’t until I had children and became aware of the “me” in that relationship that I grew to know myself better. From that knowledge, I learned to love myself.

Every parent has issues – so while I speak from mine, I think what I have learned can be generalized.

Spontaneity is a wonderful attribute in many aspects of life but not so much in parenting. Awareness, consciousness, thoughtfulness and openness are characteristics that I have come to value in the parenting process. Without these, we parent reactively rather than actively. What does this mean? As parents we are sometimes confused between the discrepancy between what we want and what is.

We feel that we have tried our best and in that moment, we truly have. So what can we do to aim for better? We need to focus less on our reactions to a particular situation and more on why we react in that way. We have to become self-psychologists. What thoughts and beliefs do we have? Where do they come from? Did our parents have them too? Are they serving us? If not, can we change them?

Here’s a simple example: I am watching my 3 year old daughter eat her dinner. It’s spaghetti and meat sauce. Within minutes, the sauce is more on her face than in her mouth. I reach for a napkin and wipe her face. She screams and pushes me away. I reprimand her and persevere amidst crying. I feel angry that she does not allow me to do what is necessary in this situation.

These are the questions I needed to ask myself, “What is my belief here? Why is it important that her face be clean? Where does this belief come from? Why am I angry?” I realize that I hear my mother’s voice telling me the importance of being clean and that my anger comes from my daughter’s lack of compliance, as well as my feelings of frustration and incompetence.

My belief here is that a good parent is one who can get their child to listen. Knowing these things allows me to choose. I may decide that a clean face is in fact unimportant and thus avoid this particular conflict. If I feel that I need that clean face, I may approach the solution a little differently without the power struggle born from my belief about parenting. For example, I could hand a napkin to my daughter and say, “Here’s a napkin, sweetheart. You can use it if you want to wipe your face.”

Knowledge of the self in parenting is power.

In my early days of parenting, I was a reactive parent. If my children showed any signs of anxiety or sadness, I would react with great personal anxiety believing that this was because of my concern for my child. This reaction did not serve my child or myself. Once I learned to look at what I brought to the parenting table, I was able to recognize that their anxiety was triggering my own fears. This understanding allowed me to remove a cloud from between myself and my child and see him more objectively.

To this day, if I feel that I am particularly anxious in a parenting moment, I will stop and ask myself, “What about this situation is making me feel this way?” This contemplation makes me look at myself and makes me a much more effective parent.

The parenting relationship is complex. Every parenting moment is a mesh of personalities and beliefs from both parent and child. Practicing conscious parenting allows us to take ownership of what belongs to us. This enables us to see our child with greater clarity and to parent with greater empathy.

Joe Rich’s “Parenting: The Long Journey”

marshajacobson — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 01:33:53 +0000

My oldest son is recovering from back surgery. My daughter is anxious about not meeting up with us in heaven after we die. My youngest son is awaiting anxiously to hear about his medical school applications and my middle son is stressing about the amount of school work on his plate. I admit that enmeshing myself in my children’s emotions is a huge problem of mine.

I did myself a great favour by reading Joe Rich’s book: Parenting: The Long Journey. It went a “long” way in helping me put my parental anxiety in perspective. With the abundance of parenting books out there I pick and choose what I read carefully. My selection criterion is simple. To the best of my knowledge does this author walk their talk? An author’s truth to self means everything. Having known Joe for some 20 years, I have the advantage of a little inside information. I have seen his parenting first hand and listened to him speak on numerous occasions. As a regular on CTV’s Cityline, many have had the privilege of hearing him. He’s warm, funny, caring and a great parent, the perfect person in my opinion to write a parenting book.

If I was forced to summarize Joe Rich’s book in one sentence, it would be this: It is a book about perspectives. Regardless of your personal parenting beliefs or styles, this book will feel illuminating. Joe shows us how to focus on what we are doing right, not wrong. I don’t think I’m alone in being guilty of doing the exact opposite! He sees parents as experts and places the power to successful parenting in the hands of parents. The gem of Joe’s book is in providing us with wonderful examples of how to parent our children with love, firmness and respect. He tells us to aim for “better” and not “perfect.” I love that. Aiming for perfect has always got me into trouble and now I know why!

The greatest mind-altering moment for me in this book was Joe’s discussion about thinking “long.” Knowing what you bring from the past to your present approach to parenting is not only useful but can really take your parenting to a new level. Sometimes when we are stuck, this is exactly what we need to do. Looking “long” into the future has really helped me find balance. I realized for the first time how totally involved I become in every anxious moment of parenting. With four children, these moments quickly add up to constant time. Looking ahead and realizing that this too shall pass, allows me to see the woods and to take some real breaths. Thank you Joe!

Every great parenting book needs to include practical suggestions and this book does not disappoint. From putting a jacket on a toddler, to yelling, financial planning, computer issues and even keeping romance alive, Joe discusses issues that are relevant to parents. If you want to grow as a person and a parent, read this book!

Guest Blog: Helping Young Children Who Speak Different Languages Become Friends

marshajacobson — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 14:00:52 +0000

It gives me great pleasure to welcome Karen Nemeth to mychildfeels.com. I met Karen over Twitter (follow her @KarenNemethEdM) and she was kind enough to write a guest blog.

In the multicultural societies of North America, tolerance and kindness towards others begins in the cradle. Karen has some wonderful and helpful suggestions on how to create an environment conducive to these attributes. Karen is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009) and has her Masters degree in education. Thanks Karen for providing us with your great perspective. – Marsha

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Children from different home languages are the fastest growing segment of the preschool population right now across the United States. Chances are most English-speaking children will meet children who speak other languages in their neighborhoods, schools and childcare. We can all benefit from fostering attitudes of tolerance and friendship.

Research tells us that all preschool children need to continue learning in their home languages even while they are also ready and able to learn a second language. My hope is that all young children can learn to make wonderful social and emotional connections regardless of language, culture or ability.

I’ve included a lot of suggestions for helping diverse children communicate in my book, “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House). Here are some practical strategies that you can use to help young children get along with their diverse friends:

Be a language learning role model: Research shows there are cognitive advantages to becoming bilingual. Even more important, this is a great way to show that you respect and enjoy diversity of languages and cultures and you are willing to give it a try. Help children get beyond their shyness about trying to pronounce unfamiliar words. And, above all, learn to properly pronounce every child’s name because it is an extension of their identity!
Narrate children’s play: This helps bridge the communication gap by giving the English speaking children clues about how they can understand their new friend and by providing new vocabulary and understanding for the English language learner. You might say, “Oh, Tomika is reaching for the blue play dough. I think she is making a snake. Ryan, you want to use some blue play dough too? Let’s see how we can help Tomika understand how fun it is to share playdough with a friend!”
Teach everyone to use “motherese”: Even preschool-aged children can use these time-tested techniques to build basic language. Remind all the children to speak slowly, to use gestures, expressions, props and pointing, to emphasize key words, and to be patient as they look for signs their friend has understood their message.
Assign language buddies: Establishing a buddy system guarantees that every child will have a ready-made friend to start with. Depending on who is available and what are the language levels and needs of each child, think of different ways to pair children. You might ask a more experienced bilingual child to partner with a newcomer, or pair a nurturing English-speaker with a child who is just learning the language. This benefits the newcomer for sure – but think about how terrific it is for the other buddy to be entrusted with such important responsibility!
Prepare adults to foster multilingual friendships: Sometimes programs or playgroups may have one adult who speaks the other language of the children. That’s a wonderful thing – but even better if that adult is prepared to include other friends in the play, stories and games. Every monolingual English child should have the experience of participating in play that is conducted in a language they hardly know.
Try using sign language: Using American Sign Language (ASL) in the U.S., and other versions in their respective locations, is a fantastic addition to any preschool child’s life. Many of the signs used by young children really do look like the concept, so they are easy to remember and use. For example, the sign for ‘drink’ is to hold the hand as if gripping a cup and putting it to the lips. As long as we depend on using gestures to augment our communication – why not use standard signs as gestures? Then all the children will be learning the same gestures to clarify communication even if the group has many different languages. I’ve seen children rush to teach signs to newcomers so they can get to know each other right away.

I know there’s a lot of talk among advocates and experts about how important it is for American children to learn to communicate with people from different language and cultural background to support our country’s ability to compete in the global marketplace. Right now, I am most interested in helping young children develop confidence, self-esteem, and the joy of being able to make new friends!

Karen Nemeth, Ed.M. is an instructor at Bucks County Community College in Pennsylvania. She is also a consultant and website developer (www.languagecastle.com) on supporting dual and English language learners in early childhood education. She is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House). She is a writer and consulting editor for NAEYC and is the Early Childhood Special Interest Group co-coordinator on the board of NJTESOL-NJBE.

Too Much Parenting Advice?

marshajacobson — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:00:43 +0000

Mackenzie Carpenter of the Washington Post writes a thought provoking article entitled, “Clashing Data Bombards New Parents As Old-School Ideas Fall By The Wayside.”

Giving readers food for thought, Carpenter talks about parents over-reliance on parent advice. She cleverly points out how advice and parenting gurus change from generation to generation, leading us to wonder at the validity of any of it.

While I could be buying into yet another trend, I do feel that raising your children to be emotionally intelligent by using principles of emotional coaching, empathy and mirroring really makes sense. This approach individualizes parenting and puts the power back where it belongs – the parent-child relationship.

In my opinion, no one parenting book or one parenting guru can be useful unless it recognizes this individualistic approach. When we, as parents, feel in charge of our parenting it does much to reduce the anxiety of feeling like we are always falling short. Reading many conflicting books on parenting will raise this anxiety, sometimes to a feverish pitch.

I’m not suggesting that we should feel like we are always right! Parenting is a dynamic relationship in which we learn. We have to make mistakes because we are human. Let’s learn from these.

Learning from Whales

marshajacobson — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 14:00:42 +0000

This feel-good article is sure to brighten your day. At the same time it reminds parents about some basics in parenting.

We all know how uncomfortable tantrums in a grocery line-up can feel! Read “”Whale Done Parenting”: What Parents Can Learn from Sea World Trainers” by Liz Hoffman of chicagoparent.com and learn what we can learn from sea mammals!

A Wonderful Letter to Grade 5 Students

marshajacobson — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 14:00:15 +0000

My daughter Gabi has been at school for 5 months now. I finally got around to asking her homeroom teacher whether I could share a wonderful introductory letter she gave students on the first day of class. This is truly a letter worth sharing.

It is thoughtful on so many levels. It’s relevant to the children, speaking about TV shows and games that they were all familiar with. It immediately sets the tone of humanness, speaking of a range of feelings. It demonstrates, by example, exactly what will be expected from the children.

In my experience, teachers often will “talk the talk” but somehow lose the connection between what they preach and how they act. My daughter is happy in this class. She feels heard, comfortable and motivated. This is thanks to a teacher who understands children and lets them know! This letter defines emotional intelligence. Enjoy!

Dear Grade Five Students,

Welcome to grade 5! If you are a little bit nervous about starting a new class, I know how you feel! I am a little bit nervous too.

When I want to have fun I hang out with my husband, my friends and my daughters. We love to watch “So You Think You Can Dance,” play games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band or bike ride. I am looking forward to the new Beatle Rock Band! In the summer I love camping in Algonquin Park, travelling to Pittsburgh to watch my daughter play soccer and going to art shows.

If you saw me in elementary school, you might think I was a snob. I used to be very, very shy and I would not talk to people until I got to know them. Then, watch out! Once I got to know you, I would talk your ear off! I was always the smallest one in the class but I loved sports and was faster and stronger than anyone.

I think school should be a place where everyone feels safe and able to learn. School should be a place where students and teachers learn from each other. This year I hope to learn as much from all of you as you learn from me.

I feel proud when I know I have done my very best work and when I do something to help another person. I really get angry when people are cruel or unkind to others. I think our four class agreements are very important and will help create a ‘safe’ learning environment for all of us this year.

I am looking forward to hearing about each of you! Please write me back.

Sincerely,

Mrs. S

No Place For Power Struggles In Parenting

marshajacobson — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 18:56:59 +0000

We’ve all been there and often don’t know how we arrived. But one thing is certain, no parent enjoys being in a power struggle with their child. What brings us to this point?

Parenting is not a one way street. Two separate personalities interact to hopefully produce a loving parent-child relationship. Becoming a good parent is as much about us as it is about our kids. We have to understand our beliefs, emotions and our own “parented” experience. Not only that, we have to process all of this so that we parent consciously and not reactively.

Here’s an example: Tim is 15 years old. He has shut himself in his room, barely communicates and has even gone so far as to put a sign on his door which says, “Keep Out!” This can be hard to deal with especially for parents who believe that children should always listen or for parents who have problems with not being liked. This can feel impossible and they may react in anger, creating a power struggle which resolves very little.

Parents who take the time to recognize their feelings may be more able to react by saying to themselves, “This is a tough situation for me and it evokes all these feelings. This self-acknowledement creates consciousness and we are much more able to show empathy to our child. It may allow us to see that our teenager is seeking independence and separation.” Understanding allows for compassion and empathy which are two attributes important in parenting and never more so than in parenting teenagers!

Does this mean that before becoming a parent we should all go into therapy? (In truth, it probably wouldn’t hurt!) It does mean is that parents should think about parenting from a personal perspective. Become aware of the issues that you bring to the parent-child relationship. Sometimes knowing what your issues are allows you to react differently even if you have not resolved those issues. Taking responsibility for who you are adds a layer to parenting by increasing consciousness.

We are all human however, so be prepared for mistakes. We learn from our mistakes! And they’re not always set in stone. An apology goes a long way, both in correcting a parenting mistakes and in teaching our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes and to apologize.

Avoiding power struggles does not mean soft parenting. Children need to know that their parents are in charge and their protectors. Be in charge. Just don’t be there for the wrong reasons.