Hi Jennifer,

I’m struggling to deal with a particular behaviour that my five and a half year old, Chandra, has been displaying.

For the last three months or so, when she gets upset about something, she says she doesn’t like herself and starts to smack her head. This is very upsetting to me and even moreso when her younger sister imitates her. The latest example occurred when her Daddy chose to floss her sister’s teeth before her own. This caused an eruption of anger which then led to the above described behaviour.

I’m not sure whether I should physically stop her from hitting herself (by gently guarding her head or lowering her hands) or ignore the behaviour. I have tried the first and she often does not like being touched. I have also said something like, “I see that you are angry. It upsets me when you hit yourself because I love you.” The behaviour persists.

Does she want me to pick her up and soothe her?

Anger is an accepted feeling in our household but I am trying to teach her that aggression is not acceptable. We’ve talked about activities that could help her calm down but in the moment she doesn’t want to do those, doesn’t want to be touched, doesn’t want to deep breath, walk in meditation or go to a quiet spot to calm down.

Is there something about her age that is triggering all of this?

Thanks,

Kim E.

In addition to what you are already doing, I would suggest adding some special time and some connecting or baby play, time every day for 20 minutes or so where you are cuddling her and pretending she is a baby or a much younger child. Children love this and it is very good for them for many reasons. It strengthens the bonds that her difficult behaviour can fray and it can soothe her with important reward chemicals that get released in the brain like oxytocin. It does not mean you have neglected to do this or that you are not bonded strongly to her—only that things can become strained by her negative behaviour, making her feel less loveable. Again, not that you don’t love her: it’s that she may feel a bit unlovable because of the choices she has been making. Strengthening the bond will help a great deal and should help her become more organised emotionally.

Parents will spend hours, days, and often months thinking of a name for their unborn child. It can be an agonizing and often unpleasant experience for many. The permanence of the decision feels overwhelming and we feel a weight of responsibility as we ponder the issues of name suitability. We often want uniqueness and conformity simultaneously in our desire to secure the “right” name for our child. We feel as though we are somehow securing their identity and ultimately who they will become.

The care we take in naming our child reflects the beginning of a deep concern for their well-being. We hope that they will develop all the positive qualities that will promote their ultimate success and happiness. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we, as parents, could be active participants in this process? We can. Once our children are named and have arrived, we can then begin the real process of NAIM-ing them.

NAIM is an acronym that will teach your child the abc’s of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence, also known as EQ, refers to our ability to understand our emotions and the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence is a human skill and like all skills must be taught. We would not expect our children to be able to read without first teaching them the rudiments of letters, so too we must do the same with emotional intelligence.

Name -  Emotional intelligence is about knowing who you are and what you are feeling, acting on this knowledge, and thus determining your success and happiness. Helping your child to name or identify their feelings is the first step to reaching this goal. We can do this in many different ways. The most powerful way is to use your child’s own emotions as they happen. Take your cues from their responses to a situation. You will generally know when you have hit on the right feeling because they will tell you in some way. Affirming their feelings provides them with a feeling of connection; that they’ve been understood. It often has a calming effect. There are other ways you can identify feelings even when you don’t have cues from your child. Using imaginative play with dolls, characters, and games is one; demonstrating emotions through children’s literature is another.

Accept – Once children have acknowledged and learnt how to identify feelings, you then have to teach them that it’s OK to have them. Parents generally have no problem doing this with positive emotions but often have to learn to do this with negative ones. Sadness, anger, frustration, and envy are some emotions that are part of the human experience and your children need to accept them as much as their happier feelings. They will accept them if you accept them. You can empathize and let them know that you have experienced similar feelings and that it’s a normal human experience.

Investigate – Next, you have to become an investigator. You now have to explore with your child why they are feeling in a particular way. This is an essential part of emotional intelligence. Children learn in this phase the interaction between the way they feel and their environment. They learn to understand what situations make them feel happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. Linking their feelings to environmental or situational cues in this way allows them to bring their experience to future situations and to transfer their learning. It brings understanding and increases their abilities to control their emotions and their environment.

Manage – This is the part of the teaching process that most parents understand. Within a family there are rules. Rules of acceptable behaviour and rules of what we say to each other. This is essential not only to families but to society as a whole. We know that people who have characteristics of kindness, empathy, confidence, and perseverance are more likely to succeed than people who are lacking in these traits. Children whose feelings have been heard and accepted are much more likely to be receptive to management. Consequences, suggestions, solutions, and direction are all better executed at this point. Being consistent and resolute is important during this stage. Children need and want boundaries. They need to understand what is acceptable and what is not. If you give your child mixed messages at this point, it can be detrimental to their development of positive emotional intelligence.

The order of this teaching is very important. Children will not listen effectively unless they are heard first. Try to avoid the word but. “I hear how you feel and understand and accept, BUT …,” tends to invalidate the hard work you put into the first two stages.

Remember that we as parents are also human with our own set of feelings. We all make mistakes! These can also be powerful tools for exploring and developing emotional intelligence.

Many parents don’t do this because they hold two mistaken beliefs. First, they believe that it is their responsibility to make their child happy; and second, they believe that feelings of anxiety in their child means that they have failed somehow.

It is our responsibility to provide our children with physical, spiritual, educational and emotional nourishment so that they may reach their potential in all these areas. Feelings of anxiety are natural to our human condition. As adults we know this and yet somehow we think that we can change this humanness in our children.

Teaching your child to identify their anxiety, accept it and learn from it is the opposite of failed parenting. People who know how to process their negative feelings are much happier overall. And it all begins in childhood.

I have not always known this. I most definitely did not with my oldest child. When he first experienced anxiety I can honestly say it was all about me. If he felt anxious, I felt more anxious. And so it progressed until we felt so out of control and sought the help of a psychologist.

She met with us first and listened to the problem we were having. She met with my son and then called us in for her assessment. Her words were (almost to the letter), “Your son is experiencing some anxiety but is going to be fine. You on the other hand have a problem.” While her words were met with disbelief, they planted some seeds that I’m happy to say grew into a tree of understanding – and continues to grow.

Three children later we are faced with our most challenging child, but I say this with a smile because I don’t really believe that she’s challenging, simply stimulating. She is gifted which often brings excessive anxiety from catastrophic thinking. I have learned much. I have learned that her anxiety is not mine and that her parenting is different to the parenting that I had.

I’ve learned that allowing her to express her feelings does not result in losing control but brings a calmness to her life that can only come from being heard. I’ve learned how to respect and mother at the same time. I’ve learned that it’s sometimes better to weather a storm than to run away from it.

Thanks to my kids, I’ve have learned how to face my own anxiety and accept. I am a much better mother for it.