http://www.mychildfeels.com/2010/06/the-me-in-parenting/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2010/06/the-me-in-parenting/#comments Tue, 29 Jun 2010 20:57:20 +0000 marshajacobson http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=675 I was undiagnosed, but in retrospect clearly diagnosable, with depression from age 12. For much of my youth I “other-reflected” rather than self-reflected. I made the worst attitudes of others my own. I would say that I hated the way others viewed my depression but I really just hated myself. Through necessity born from the passing of time, I came to acceptance. But it wasn’t until I had children and became aware of the “me” in that relationship that I grew to know myself better. From that knowledge, I learned to love myself.

Every parent has issues – so while I speak from mine, I think what I have learned can be generalized.

Spontaneity is a wonderful attribute in many aspects of life but not so much in parenting. Awareness, consciousness, thoughtfulness and openness are characteristics that I have come to value in the parenting process. Without these, we parent reactively rather than actively. What does this mean? As parents we are sometimes confused between the discrepancy between what we want and what is.

We feel that we have tried our best and in that moment, we truly have.  So what can we do to aim for better?  We need to focus less on our reactions to a particular situation and more on why we react in that way. We have to become self-psychologists. What thoughts and beliefs do we have? Where do they come from? Did our parents have them too? Are they serving us? If not, can we change them?

Here’s a simple example: I am watching my 3 year old daughter eat her dinner. It’s spaghetti and meat sauce. Within minutes, the sauce is more on her face than in her mouth. I reach for a napkin and wipe her face. She screams and pushes me away. I reprimand her and persevere amidst crying. I feel angry that she does not allow me to do what is necessary in this situation.

These are the questions I needed to ask myself, “What is my belief here? Why is it important that her face be clean? Where does this belief come from? Why am I angry?” I realize that I hear my mother’s voice telling me the importance of being clean and that my anger comes from my daughter’s lack of compliance, as well as my feelings of frustration and incompetence.

My belief here is that a good parent is one who can get their child to listen. Knowing these things allows me to choose. I may decide that a clean face is in fact unimportant and thus avoid this particular conflict. If I feel that I need that clean face, I may approach the solution a little differently without the power struggle born from my belief about parenting. For example, I could hand a napkin to my daughter and say, “Here’s a napkin, sweetheart. You can use it if you want to wipe your face.”

Knowledge of the self in parenting is power.

In my early days of parenting, I was a reactive parent. If my children showed any signs of anxiety or sadness, I would react with great personal anxiety believing that this was because of my concern for my child. This reaction did not serve my child or myself. Once I learned to look at what I brought to the parenting table, I was able to recognize that their anxiety was triggering my own fears. This understanding allowed me to remove a cloud from between myself and my child and see him more objectively.

To this day, if I feel that I am particularly anxious in a parenting moment, I will stop and ask myself, “What about this situation is making me feel this way?” This contemplation makes me look at myself and makes me a much more effective parent.

The parenting relationship is complex. Every parenting moment is a mesh of personalities and beliefs from both parent and child. Practicing conscious parenting allows us to take ownership of what belongs to us. This enables us to see our child with greater clarity and to parent with greater empathy.

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Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com.]]> http://www.mychildfeels.com/2010/06/the-me-in-parenting/feed/ 0

In the multicultural societies of North America, tolerance and kindness towards others begins in the cradle. Karen has some wonderful and helpful suggestions on how to create an environment conducive to these attributes. Karen is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009) and has her Masters degree in education. Thanks Karen for providing us with your great perspective. – Marsha

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Children from different home languages are the fastest growing segment of the preschool population right now across the United States.  Chances are most English-speaking children will meet children who speak other languages in their neighborhoods, schools and childcare.  We can all benefit from fostering attitudes of tolerance and friendship.

Research tells us that all preschool children need to continue learning in their home languages even while they are also ready and able to learn a second language.  My hope is that all young children can learn to make wonderful social and emotional connections regardless of language, culture or ability.

I’ve included a lot of suggestions for helping diverse children communicate in my book, “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House). Here are some practical strategies that you can use to help young children get along with their diverse friends:

• Be a language learning role model:  Research shows there are cognitive advantages to becoming bilingual.  Even more important, this is a great way to show that you respect and enjoy diversity of languages and cultures and you are willing to give it a try.  Help children get beyond their shyness about trying to pronounce unfamiliar words.  And, above all, learn to properly pronounce every child’s name because it is an extension of their identity!
• Narrate children’s play:  This helps bridge the communication gap by giving the English speaking children clues about how they can understand their new friend and by providing new vocabulary and understanding for the English language learner.  You might say, “Oh, Tomika is reaching for the blue play dough.  I think she is making a snake.  Ryan, you want to use some blue play dough too?  Let’s see how we can help Tomika understand how fun it is to share playdough with a friend!”
• Teach everyone to use “motherese”: Even preschool-aged children can use these time-tested techniques to build basic language.  Remind all the children to speak slowly, to use gestures, expressions, props and pointing, to emphasize key words, and to be patient as they look for signs their friend has understood their message.
• Assign language buddies:  Establishing a buddy system guarantees that every child will have a ready-made friend to start with.  Depending on who is available and what are the language levels and needs of each child, think of different ways to pair children.  You might ask a more experienced bilingual child to partner with a newcomer, or pair a nurturing English-speaker with a child who is just learning the language.  This benefits the newcomer for sure – but think about how terrific it is for the other buddy to be entrusted with such important responsibility!
• Prepare adults to foster multilingual friendships:  Sometimes programs or playgroups may have one adult who speaks the other language of the children.  That’s a wonderful thing – but even better if that adult is prepared to include other friends in the play, stories and games.  Every monolingual English child should have the experience of participating in play that is conducted in a language they hardly know.
• Try using sign language:  Using American Sign Language (ASL) in the U.S., and other versions in their respective locations, is a fantastic addition to any preschool child’s life.  Many of the signs used by young children really do look like the concept, so they are easy to remember and use.  For example, the sign for ‘drink’ is to hold the hand as if gripping a cup and putting it to the lips.  As long as we depend on using gestures to augment our communication – why not use standard signs as gestures?  Then all the children will be learning the same gestures to clarify communication even if the group has many different languages.  I’ve seen children rush to teach signs to newcomers so they can get to know each other right away.

I know there’s a lot of talk among advocates and experts about how important it is for American children to learn to communicate with people from different language and cultural background to support our country’s ability to compete in the global marketplace.  Right now, I am most interested in helping young children develop confidence, self-esteem, and the joy of being able to make new friends!

Karen Nemeth, Ed.M. is an instructor at Bucks County Community College in Pennsylvania.  She is also a consultant and website developer (www.languagecastle.com) on supporting dual and English language learners in early childhood education.  She is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House).  She is a writer and consulting editor for NAEYC and is the Early Childhood Special Interest Group co-coordinator on the board of NJTESOL-NJBE.

Thank you Anamarie for making me think! The premise of this book is as the title suggests: we need to commit to personal growth during our lifetime if we want to break the cycle of passing on to our children stuff that we don’t want them to receive. If we choose to leave ourselves alone, we perpetuate the habits, beliefs and attitudes that our past experiences have created. We become driven by unconscious forces. Regardless of the nature/nuture components of these forces, I believe we can change.

To make these changes we first have to focus on who we are. We cannot ignore our past because this gives it a power that it shouldn’t have. I’m a big fan of Grey’s Anatomy. It’s my “curl up in bed, late at night with a cup of coffee” pleasure! I was pleasantly surprised some months ago when a therapist gave advice to one of the characters suffering with post traumatic stress disorder. It went something like, “You cannot get to where you want to be unless you know where you are coming from.” In other words, our focus on our past is essential for understanding ourselves but what we do with that understanding is what will define us. We need to free ourselves of the past and its influence on our behavior by facing it.

An open mind is key. Without it, we will miss opportunities to grow. I would rather try something and find it absolutely useless than potentially miss out on a gem. Becoming a parent makes our need for personal growth a priority (not that we shouldn’t be doing it for ourselves alone). We need to be able to choose how to parent and the only way to do this is if we become conscious parents.