mychildfeels.com » Behaviour

Ask Jennifer Kolari: Hearing Loss and Tantrums

jenniferkolari — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 13:00:36 +0000

My son just turned 4 and we have recently discovered that he may be hard of hearing. There has been a lot of activity lately around him regarding this discovery. He has always been a bit of a hot tempered boy but just this past week it has seemed to escalate to him getting in your face and growling, stomping feet and throwing things. Could this be due to all the “medical” issues going on around him lately? What is the best way to handle this? We do our best to talk calmly and take him to a quiet space to help him calm down but is this the best way?

- S.

It’s important to remember that many kids at the age of four behave exactly this way even without any other compounding issues. I am sure part of his frustration does have to do with the stress of being carted around to different appointments but part of your sons frustration may also come from the fact that like most four year old’s, he has many more words in his head than he can actually get out, especially if he has missed some information due to his hearing difficulties.

When he is frustrated it is even harder to find those words and express them. This is typical for children around three and four years old and means that it is much easier to grab, stomp or throw things than to say them. This will most likely decrease as his hearing issues are addressed and his language develops.

In the meantime it is important to deal with these behaviors. Behaviors hang around if they are useful so somehow the yelling and throwing things is serving some purpose for him. It may be that he’s upset so he wants you to be upset too. It may be that at least some of the time it has paid off and he has ended up getting what he wanted. In order to stop certain behaviors you have to be neutral, calm and very consistent.

If you are using the naughty chair then after asking him to say things in a nice way and after you have shown him that you understand he is frustrated, tell him that if he continues to speak to you in that way he will have him sit on the chair for two or three minutes every time. Do this calmly and do it every time he speaks to you in this manner. Try not to shame him and you don’t have to lecture or have a big talk when going to the chair or when the sitting time is over, just go back to business as usual like it never happened.

The key is to repeat this over and over again as an interruption so he learns it actually is worth taking the time to think about his words. Balance this with lots of cuddles and kisses and you should see this behavior disappear in less than two weeks. Good luck.

Jennifer Kolari is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com with her feature, "Ask Jennifer Kolari". You can read her Connected Parenting Blog and visit her at www.connectedparenting.com for more information.

Grandparents and “Grand” Eaters

rickieglickman — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 21:09:43 +0000

This grandparent feels that one cannot and should not force their grandchild to eat, BUT encouraging them can be fun. In a previous article, “Disciplining Your Grandchildren Can Be ‘Tricky’“, I shared some tricks I had up my sleeve regarding that topic. Now, I have some tried and true ‘recipes’ that I have used to make eating with your grand children more palatable.

Here are just a few delicious ‘recipes’ that I hope you will enjoy. Feel free to adapt them to suit your grandchildren’s tastes.

A few months ago, I picked up my 3 and 5 year old grandsons from school. I brought them home and started to prepare lunch. My daughter had informed me that the 3 year old was fussy with food lately so I was ready.

The 3 year old announced that he was not hungry. With a matter of fact tone, I replied, “Don’t’ eat. Please don’t eat. I don’t want you getting strong and certainly don’t want you getting bigger. I don’t want you getting big like your Daddy and strong like your uncle.”

There was some interest. So I then focused on the 5 year old. I asked my big boy if I could feel his muscles while he was eating.

I then reported, “Your muscle on this side of your arm is definitely getting bigger. I can feel it. Can I feel your other arm when you eat some more? But, are you sure you want to get big? I don’t want you getting bigger. Then you are going to run really fast and for sure I won’t be able to catch you.“ (Insert any activity that is enjoyed by the child)

“Grandma,” said the 3 year old, “I want to get big, and I want to eat my lunch.”

“Are you sure?” I responded with concern.

“Grandma, will you feel my muscles?” Asked the little one, fearing he could miss a muscle evaluating experience.

“I promise I will if you eat your lunch,” I replied.

When the children were a little younger, my meal preparations would consist of these conversations.

“What would you like for lunch today?” “I was thinking of making something very special. How about bugs and flies on toast?” I asked.

“Grandma, that is silly.” They replied.

“Okay, how about peanut butter and dirt?” I asked.

As most chefs do, I also invented clever titles for my recipes. Here are just a few:

‘Spiderman Grilled Cheese’

‘Batman Spaghetti”

‘Superman Scrambled Eggs’

My grandchildren loved their food labeled in this way and I believe enjoyed their meals more because of it.

They also delighted in becoming involved in meal preparation. Below are just a few simple stress-free suggestions.

“Is there any one here who can scramble the Batman eggs?”

“I need someone, who is big; to help me set the table.”

“I was wondering if someone could stir the macaroni and cheese with my special big spoon.”

This grand parent feels it is more about creating smile memories then full tummies. Perhaps, both can be accomplished. What do you think?

I welcome your ideas since we can not have too many good “recipes” or smiles.

Rickie Glickman is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com. With her degree in education and years of teaching experience, Rickie examines parenting issues through the eyes of a grandparent.

Ask Jennifer Kolari: Self-Hitting

jenniferkolari — Thu, 06 May 2010 13:00:40 +0000

Hi Jennifer,

I’m struggling to deal with a particular behaviour that my five and a half year old, Chandra, has been displaying.

For the last three months or so, when she gets upset about something, she says she doesn’t like herself and starts to smack her head. This is very upsetting to me and even moreso when her younger sister imitates her. The latest example occurred when her Daddy chose to floss her sister’s teeth before her own. This caused an eruption of anger which then led to the above described behaviour.

I’m not sure whether I should physically stop her from hitting herself (by gently guarding her head or lowering her hands) or ignore the behaviour. I have tried the first and she often does not like being touched. I have also said something like, “I see that you are angry. It upsets me when you hit yourself because I love you.” The behaviour persists.

Does she want me to pick her up and soothe her?

Anger is an accepted feeling in our household but I am trying to teach her that aggression is not acceptable. We’ve talked about activities that could help her calm down but in the moment she doesn’t want to do those, doesn’t want to be touched, doesn’t want to deep breath, walk in meditation or go to a quiet spot to calm down.

Is there something about her age that is triggering all of this?

Thanks,

Kim E.

Hi Kim,

I like everything you have tried already and my advice would be not to give up on any of the things you are currently doing, sometimes behaviours are sticky and it takes a while to alter them. She may not like it when you hold her arms but if she is hurting herself you may have to, especially if she is head banging. You can quietly tell her that is the price for hurting herself and that you love her too much to allow her to hurt herself.

In addition to what you are already doing, I would suggest adding some special time and some connecting or baby play, time every day for 20 minutes or so where you are cuddling her and pretending she is a baby or a much younger child. Children love this and it is very good for them for many reasons. It strengthens the bonds that her difficult behaviour can fray and it can soothe her with important reward chemicals that get released in the brain like oxytocin. It does not mean you have neglected to do this or that you are not bonded strongly to her—only that things can become strained by her negative behaviour, making her feel less loveable. Again, not that you don’t love her: it’s that she may feel a bit unlovable because of the choices she has been making. Strengthening the bond will help a great deal and should help her become more organised emotionally.

I would also recommend the CALM technique (mirroring) described in my book as a way to talk to her and relate to her; it will also help to build her resilience so that she is more able to control these big feelings that she has. There are examples of mirroring on my website, ConnectedParenting.com, in a feature called Mirroring Mondays.

If these behaviours continue, don’t hesitate to talk to you daughter’s paediatrician or look for a parent coach or child therapist to help. It is very hard, as a parent, to watch your child struggle to find ways cope with their big feelings.

I wish you all the best.

Learning from Whales

marshajacobson — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 14:00:42 +0000

This feel-good article is sure to brighten your day. At the same time it reminds parents about some basics in parenting.

We all know how uncomfortable tantrums in a grocery line-up can feel! Read “”Whale Done Parenting”: What Parents Can Learn from Sea World Trainers” by Liz Hoffman of chicagoparent.com and learn what we can learn from sea mammals!

Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com .

No Place For Power Struggles In Parenting

marshajacobson — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 18:56:59 +0000

We’ve all been there and often don’t know how we arrived. But one thing is certain, no parent enjoys being in a power struggle with their child. What brings us to this point?

Parenting is not a one way street. Two separate personalities interact to hopefully produce a loving parent-child relationship. Becoming a good parent is as much about us as it is about our kids. We have to understand our beliefs, emotions and our own “parented” experience. Not only that, we have to process all of this so that we parent consciously and not reactively.

Here’s an example: Tim is 15 years old. He has shut himself in his room, barely communicates and has even gone so far as to put a sign on his door which says, “Keep Out!” This can be hard to deal with especially for parents who believe that children should always listen or for parents who have problems with not being liked. This can feel impossible and they may react in anger, creating a power struggle which resolves very little.

Parents who take the time to recognize their feelings may be more able to react by saying to themselves, “This is a tough situation for me and it evokes all these feelings. This self-acknowledement creates consciousness and we are much more able to show empathy to our child. It may allow us to see that our teenager is seeking independence and separation.” Understanding allows for compassion and empathy which are two attributes important in parenting and never more so than in parenting teenagers!

Does this mean that before becoming a parent we should all go into therapy? (In truth, it probably wouldn’t hurt!) It does mean is that parents should think about parenting from a personal perspective. Become aware of the issues that you bring to the parent-child relationship. Sometimes knowing what your issues are allows you to react differently even if you have not resolved those issues. Taking responsibility for who you are adds a layer to parenting by increasing consciousness.

We are all human however, so be prepared for mistakes. We learn from our mistakes! And they’re not always set in stone. An apology goes a long way, both in correcting a parenting mistakes and in teaching our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes and to apologize.

Avoiding power struggles does not mean soft parenting. Children need to know that their parents are in charge and their protectors. Be in charge. Just don’t be there for the wrong reasons.

Ask Jennifer Kolari: Childhood Anxiety

jenniferkolari — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:41:39 +0000

One of the more common questions and issues I deal with in my therapy practice is about childhood anxiety.

All of us have anxiety – it is an important emotion.

We need it to survive, stay safe and make good choices. Some of us are hardwired to be more anxious than others. As a therapist, I feel that more and more children are struggling with anxiety for many reasons and many parents struggle with how to help their kids cope. We want to make sure our children control their anxiety so it doesn’t control them. We don’t want their worries and fears to get in the way of enjoying and participating fully in their lives.

As parents it can be very difficult to help an anxious child. We often resort to reasoning with them and trying to use logic to talk them out of these irrational feelings. Unfortunately, this can just makes things worse. Once the brain is anxious for a certain amount of time it begins to organizes itself around that and remain in fight or flight mode for longer periods. An anxious brain does not always respond very well to rationale and the child often becomes more invested in convincing you how scary a situation really is. Children can also widen their repertoire of things to be frightened of, leaving parents baffled and swinging between feeling empathy and frustration.

Children don’t always show the typical or obvious signs of anxiety that we might think of. Sometimes demanding behaviour, extreme bossiness, temper tantrums and sleep disturbances can all be symptoms of worry or anxiety.

Here’s what to do:

Talk to Your Child’s Doctor. If you feel your child’s anxiety is regularly getting in the way of them enjoying their life, if they constantly have trouble sleeping or complain often of stomach aches, nausea or headaches, contact your child’s pediatrician.
Fight or Flight Response. When a child is feeling anxious, their fight or flight instincts might kick in. This means their brain is not letting them think rationally, so when a parent tries to rationalize the situation, the child feels like they aren’t being listened to. Instead, ask lots of questions about how they are feeling, and put some urgency in your voice, without sounding anxious yourself. This will show you get that they are worried, and will help them get back to a place where they can hear the logical things you have to say.
Give it a Name. Don’t talk about your child being afraid, because this makes it seem like something that they can’t fix. Give it a name, like the “worry bug.” For older kids or teens, just refer to it as the “worry that gets in the way.” Then you can work together to come up with ways to reduce it. This helps kids to control their emotions.
Get Connected. Spend more cuddle time with young children and spend more alone time with teenagers. Children feel safe and more secure when they feel deeply loved.
Set Limits. Kids are exposed to a lot of adults themes – and they are not socially or emotionally prepared to deal with these. Set limits on behaviour and the things you kids are exposed to. When kids see that parents don’t have control, they get nervous about who will take care of them and this aggravates anxiety. Turn off scary news reports on TV or hide frightening headlines.
Scaling. Get your kids to rate their anxiety and use deep breathing or positive imagery to bring the number down.
Calm Yourself. Sometimes children come by their anxiety honestly. Use the same techniques to make sure you are calm. Kids often gauge their responses based on ours.

Respect and Boundaries

marshajacobson — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:08:57 +0000

Understanding respect and boundaries is crucial to parenting. What does this mean? When I was growing up, respect meant one thing only – how we spoke to and behaved towards our elders. Today, I have a very different understanding of these words.

I use the two together because they are bound. Respecting others necessitates understanding of their boundaries. As parents, in our efforts to raise our children, it sometimes feels easier to be prescriptive rather than fine-tuning our approach to their individual needs. Who has the time?! While the time often seems impossible to find, I believe that the short-term effort would mean very long-term gains.

Every child, like every adult, has a different set of boundaries. Even from very young ages, some may enjoy lots of cuddling while others can barely sit on our laps for more than a few seconds. Some kids naturally communicate about everything while others show more reticence. When we understand and respect the individual personalities and boundaries of our children, we are essentially telling them that we accept who they are.

Only from a position of acceptance can children truly grow. Children who are told to be something that they don’t feel at that moment is possible for them, become defensive and cling to the selves that they fear they are in danger of losing. Secure kids are kids who will extend themselves and take risks regardless of their starting position.

How do we as parents change the way we act and more importantly, feel? I think if parents accept that by respecting the boundaries of our children, we will raise them to be the best that they can be, change will feel easier. This becomes more challenging as our children grow older but the truth is that the more challenging it feels, the more important it will be!

I believe that prescriptive parenting serves us and not our kids. We often have to stand by and watch our child “fail” at something because we believe that there is a lesson that they need to learn. For this reason, I like to think of “failure” as showing our children enough respect that we have faith in their ultimate choices.

Believe me, as a mother of four I understand how difficult this is and sometimes not possible at all! No one said parenting was easy. Often it feels very counter-intuitive as we consciously put our protective selves aside, knowing that this will be the best for our children. I am a parent and I struggle with this daily.

Sharing our experiences as parents, our triumphs and our setbacks can be so helpful. I would love to hear what you think about this.

Happiness

marshajacobson — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:46:45 +0000

I loved an article written by Paul Dalton in articlescollections.com called “Happiness – Just How Do You Do It?”

Dalton says that adults refer to the “pursuit of happiness” or “I’ll be happy when…” Happiness for most is conditional and placed in the future. He says that we even refer to ourselves as the human race implying that we are chasing something.

On the other hand, declares Dalton, “But look at a child. Children are much smarter than adults when it comes to being happy. For them it is just a state of being. They don’t place conditions on when they will and when they won’t feel it. As long as they’re not hungry, in pain, or being told off, they are happy. It’s their default program.”

This article really made me think, not so much about my level of happiness, but about the interaction between an adult and child. When, how and why do we change our expectations? Why does the experience of happiness change from a natural experience of entitlement to something that has to be earned?

Disciplining Your Grandchildren Can Be “Tricky”

rickieglickman — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:39:33 +0000

How in the world does a grandparent discipline their young, adorable and brilliant grandchildren? This grandparent feels it is important to have a trick up your sleeve. In this blog, I will share one of my favorites.

This trick began with a shopping expedition I had at Target. They had the best selection of superhero hats and gloves that I had ever seen. So, I went crazy and purchased too many and could not wait to give them to my two superhero grandchildren.

My boys were so excited when they saw their favorite superheroes in every conceivable hat, glove and color combination. I knew I was the best Grandma ever… until the next day. My daughter called to inform me that her morning had been awful. My beautiful boys had fought over their plethora of superhero accessories and it was ugly.

I was picking up the boys from preschool that day and I had to think fast. So, I invented “Josh’s Grandmother”. Coincidently, “Josh” also has a brother. He and his brother also happen to be very close in age to my boys. Once I buckled up the boys and I was on my way, I began my story.

“Do you remember Josh’s Grandmother? Josh is going to be 5 and he has a brother who is going to be 3. I think they have knapsacks just like yours.”

My boys both told me that they were the same age. “Really?” I said.

“Well, you won’t believe what happened to them. They were fighting over their superhero hats and gloves. Josh’s Grandmother was so upset. Do you know what she did? She gave all their superhero hats and gloves to the poor children. Unfortunately, now the boys just have brown hats and gloves with nothing on them.”

My older grandson looked shocked. He confessed, “Grandma, we were fighting over our superhero hats and gloves this morning.”

“That is terrible,” I replied.

“Grandma, would you give our hats and gloves to the poor children?” said my younger grandson.

“Do you think I should? I feel so bad when you fight,” I said sadly.

“We promise we will not fight. We will share!” They both seemed to say that simultaneously.

“Well, that sounds great! But if you forget…” I was interrupted by their words, “Grandma, we won’t forget!”

Josh’s Grandmother saved the day!

In another incidence, my older grandson finally graduated to a booster seat and was now able to retire his old car seat. In his eyes he was “big” and he had the 4o pounds to prove it. I found the perfect blue sports theme booster seat for my car. He loved it and once again I knew I was the best grandma in the entire world.

All was well until I put him in the car seat and he began squirming all over the place.

I knew he was experiencing his new found freedom but I have places to go and people to see. He is not safe and I cannot drive while he is dancing in his booster seat.

So as not to pollute the moment, I said in my best Grandmother voice, “Sweetheart, please sit nicely. I am afraid you will get hurt.”

My darling chose to ignore my words and the dancing continued. I then switched gears and reported that I had just gotten off the phone with Josh’s Grandmother and that she has a big problem.

I said, “Josh’s Grandmother has searched every store in Toronto for a booster seat for her grandson and she can only find the pink princess booster seats. Josh’s Grandmother knows that sometimes when boys sit in a new blue sports booster seat they can be silly and then they have to return to their old car seat. So, she was wondering if I knew any boys that were unable to sit nicely in their new booster seats. Josh’s Grandmother told me that I should mention her problem to all the Grandmothers. Perhaps, one of the Grandmothers has a new blue sports booster seat that they are not using.”

Suddenly, the dancing stopped. Ten minutes later… I complimented my darling on how nicely he was sitting in his new blue sports booster seat.

This Grandparent Feels that by sharing our “tricks” we can make the grandparenting ride a pleasant journey. What kinds of tricks have you used to help discipline your grandchildren?

Rickie Glickman is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com. With her degree in education and years of teaching experience, Rickie examines parenting issues through the eyes of a grandparent.

Letting Your Grad Student Go

marshajacobson — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:12:59 +0000

My sister and I were talking the other day about how difficult we find it to NOT be helicopter parents. So naturally, this article at nytimes.com by Amanda M. Fairbanks called “Letting Your Grad Student Go” grabbed my attention.

What I like about it was the realism and the understanding of us – the helicopter parents. We have to change but we have to understand first what we must change. The article helps with this understanding.