http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/guest-blog-campaign-to-stomp-out-bullying-by-sue-scheff/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/guest-blog-campaign-to-stomp-out-bullying-by-sue-scheff/#comments Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:53:09 +0000 marshajacobson http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=290 I’m excited to welcome Sue Scheff on mychildfeels.com to continue the discussion about bullying and cyberbullying.  Sue and I met over Twitter (follow her @suescheff) a short while ago. In her guest blog today, she profiles an organization called Love Our Childen USA and the upcoming National Bullying Prevention Awareness Week.  Being a Canadian, I hope that the efforts of Love Our Children USA will spill over to Canada.  I know I will be wearing a blue shirt on October 5 (it’s my birthday too) to show my support.  Will you?  – Marsha

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Love Our Children USA recently announced that bullying and teasing is at the top of kids’ issues at schools, and with school now open, parents, teachers and school administrators must take caution and sensitivity in handling these issues. Childhood should be a time filled with wonder and joy, but the reality for many kids and teens is often much different. They’re the victims of bullying and cyber-bullying at school or on neighborhood playgrounds.

October 4 – 10, 2009 is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Week.

To observe the week, Love Our Children USA will speak at various schools about bullying, cyberbullying and preventing it.

To signify the importance of the week, Love Our Children USA created National Blue Shirt Day. Specifically on Monday, October 5th, the organization is asking kids, teens and adults to participate in national BLUE SHIRT DAY by wearing a blue shirt to STOMP Out Bullying.

They chose blue because in many diverse cultures blue brings peace. The color conveys importance and confidence.

On Monday, October 5th, Americans across the country will wear blue shirts as they make their way to school or to the office as a grassroots national campaign to STOMP Out Bullying. Participation is expected from major cities and proclamations from leading politicians and civic leaders. This day will be supported with a national media campaign. Last October, the organization created STOMP Out Bullying.

To date over 48,000 people have committed to STOMP Out Bullying. Kids who are intimidated, threatened, or harmed by bullies often experience low self-esteem and depression, whereas those doing the bullying may go on to engage in more serious antisocial behaviors. Some kids are so traumatized by being bullied, that they contemplate suicide. Bullies often have been the victims of bullying or other mistreatment themselves.

Ross Ellis, Love Our Children USA Founder and Chief Executive Officer, remembers only too well what it is like to be bullied. Today it’s a regular occurrence in schools starting as early as kindergarten. It’s not a right of passage as some may think. It’s a crisis. And many kids have committed suicide because the taunting was so torturous. Bullying can be so painful and clearly has played a role in recent school shootings across the country.

While boys are more physical, girls use weapons, exclusion, slander, rumors and gossip. And beware of cyberbullying which is on the rise. This social online cruelty is used in the forms of e-mail, cell phone; pager text messages, instant messaging, defamatory personal Web sites, and defamatory online personal polling Web sites, deliberate, repeated, and hostile behavior, and is used by an individual or group — intended to harm others – especially amongst our youth.

While most kids use the Internet for friendly interactions, more and more kids are using these communication tools to antagonize, terrorize and intimidate others. Ellis said “parents must keep open communication with their children. Look for signs. And school administrators can no longer sweep the issue under the rug. Students should be educated about the harmful effects of bullying. Many schools are sweeping the issue under the rug. Every school should declare No Bullying Policy and enforce it.” Ross Ellis suggests that schools set up a web site where kids can anonymously report the person who is bullying them. That way victims can feel safe in making the report and the school can deal with the bully.

Recent Statistics Show:

• 1 out of 4 kids is Bullied.
• 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or doing some “Bullying.”
• 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of Bullies.
• 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.
• 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
• 28% of youths who carry weapons have witnessed violence at home.
• A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they think violence increased at their schools.
• 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
• More youth violence occurs on school grounds as opposed to on the way to school.
• 80% of the time, an argument with a bully will end up in a physical fight.
• 1/3 of students surveyed said they heard another student threaten to kill someone.
• 1 out of 5 teens knows someone who brings a gun to school.
• 2 out of 3 say they know how to make a bomb, or know where to get the information to do it.
• Almost half of all students say they know another student who’s capable of murder.
• Playground statistics – Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention -4% Peer intervention – 11%. No intervention – 85%.

Ellis said “helping your children cope with either being a bully or being a victim often requires outside assistance, such as from your child’s school or the community. School is the most likely place for bullying to occur, so discuss your concerns with your child’s teachers and counselor and ask what they can do to help. School personnel can be influential in helping a child modify his behavior. Take advantage of any psychological counseling services that may be offered at your child’s school or in your community.”

Bullying is a form of child abuse and bullies are very likely to grow up as an adult who abuses children. More information about bullying and how to help your children and students can be found at www.stompoutbullying.org

About Love Our Children USA: Since 1999, Love Our Children USA has paved the way as the national nonprofit leader that honors, respects and protects children. Its mission is to break the cycle of violence against children. Love Our Children USA has become ‘the go-to’ prevention organization for all forms of violence and neglect against children in the U.S. It works to eliminate behaviors that keep children from reaching their potential. It redefines parenting and creates kid success by promoting prevention strategies and positive changes in parenting and family attitudes and behaviors through public education. It works to empower and support children, teens, parents and families through information, resources, advocacy, and online youth mentoring. Its goal is to keep children safe and strengthen families — Its message is positive … one of prevention and hope.

Sue Scheff is a parent advocate.  She believes that educating parents on an industry that is extremely confusing is the first step to finding the best help.  Since 2001, Sue Scheff has grown her organization, Parent’s Universal Resource Expert’s (P.U.R.E.™), to be widely recognized and well respected throughout the country and world. Her new book “Google Bomb: The Untold Story of the $11.3M Verdict That Changed the Way We Use the Internet” was released earlier this month.

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Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com.]]> http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/guest-blog-campaign-to-stomp-out-bullying-by-sue-scheff/feed/ 1

Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence” (1995) introduced the idea of emotional intelligence to professionals and laymen. It boldly claimed that in predicting personal success, EQ could be “as powerful, and at times more powerful, than IQ.” (p. 34).  Much of this claim was based on previous extensive research on IQ, which found that the predictive nature of IQ on job performance and personal success was seriously falling short.

The correlations were only between 10% and 25%. John Snarey and George Vaillant conducted a longitudinal study in 1985 involving 450 boys and found that IQ had little relation to workplace and personal success. Rather, what was found to be more important in determining their success was their ability to handle frustration, control emotions, and get along with others. While they did not call these traits emotional intelligence, they are some of the central elements to the emotional intelligence construct.

John Gottman, a forerunner in the area of emotional intelligence in children, claimed, “In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.”

Beyond just academia and formally defining the concept of “emotional intelligence,” the core elements of the construct have emerged in other areas too. A great example of this from popular culture is The Secret, a book and movie by Rhonda Byrne. It believes in the inner emotional power of people. It took the English-speaking world by storm and has already been translated into 10 other languages. More than anything, this demonstrates the world’s readiness to focus on their emotions. The adult population, already saturated by self-help books, was primed and ready to accept these ideas.

It is no surprise now that workforce personnel have enthusiastically supported the investigation and understanding of EQ. Companies are including EQ assessments and training into work regimes. The increasing competitiveness in the workforce has forced those who want to get ahead to actively look for new plausible ideas and run with them. Their approach has been, “This seems to be something that may affect productivity. Lets try it.”

In the area of children and education, scepticism has been more predominant. School boards have focussed on the research showing lack of proof between emotional intelligence and success in later life. Lynn Waterhouse sums up this point of view in her article for Educational Psychologist in 2006. According to her, there exist too many conflicting constructs of EQ to make research possible and the research that has been done is too inconclusive. Many supporters are frustrated at the lack of action taken by schools because they feel that the best time to teach EQ is in childhood.

Perhaps our entire approach to emotional intelligence is wrong. We are trying to place the idea of EQ purely in the scientific world and assessing efficacy and predictability only according to the rules of science. Quantitative research is valuable whenever possible but certainly has limitations when focusing on a construct as qualitative as emotional intelligence. Is there not sufficient evidence that suggests the importance of EQ? Is there not overwhelming evidence that suggests that the lack of EQ creates many of the problems in our lives today? Perhaps we should be focussing on what isn’t working in our human experience rather than resisting the implementation of EQ into our schools.

With the rise in school violence, bullying, terrorism, suicide, job dissatisfaction and loneliness, can we afford to not teach EQ to our children? What can we possibly have to lose by teaching our children to be emotionally intelligent? What’s the worst that can happen? We will produce a generation of people more in touch with their feelings and with the feelings of others? We will produce a generation of people who are taught to be more empathic, tolerant and respectful to themselves and others?

There may be some among us who might like to live in a world like that.

It gives me great pleasure to welcome Dr. Michele Borba to mychildfeels.com.  I met Dr. Borba over Twitter (follow her @micheleborba) and she was kind enough to review “Boom… Boom… Boom…” last month.  Her new book entitled “The Big Book of Parenting Solutions” was released today. I thank her for being willing to guest blog on this site about the important issue of bullying. – Marsha

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We usually think of bullying as physical aggression such as punching, hitting, shoving, but it’s way beyond that. If your kid is being bullied or harassed that means his friend or peers are hurting him intentionally. As a result, your son or daughter feels powerless, helpless, humiliated, shamed, and hopeless about the whole situation.  A bully can “attack” her victim verbally (spreading rumors, saying prejudicial comments or cruel ‘put downs’), emotionally (excluding, humiliating, hazing); as well as sexually harassment. There is no excuse for this behavior, and each and every one of us need to be on the same page to stop it.

Here are a few solutions to help you handle these rougher waters of parenting.

Take your child seriously. Bullying is frightening and humiliating at any age, so listen to your child. Reassure your child that you believe him and will find a way to keep him safe.

Offer specific tips for a plan of action. Most kids can’t handle bullying on their own: they need your help, so provide it.

• Avoid the scene. “I will pick you up after swimming. Don’t take the bus.” “Where can you play instead of by the swings?” “How can you have your books with you so you don’t have to go to your locker?”  Bullying usually happens in unsupervised areas so tell your kid to be near others at lunch, recess, in hallways, near lockers, parks, or other areas.

• Find a supportive companion.  Tell your child there’s safety in numbers. “Stay with Kevin at recess.” “Sit with Josh on the bus. He’ll keep an eye out for you.” Kids who have even one friend to confide in can deal with bullying better than those on their own.

• Don’t retaliate except when unavoidable. “Don’t hit back—it will only increase the chance you’ll get hurt. Fight back only if there are no other options and you are hurt.”

• Make a strategic exit. “Sometimes the best thing to do is leave the scene.” “If you feel you could be hurt or need help, walk towards an adult, crowd or older kids.”

• Identify a trusting adult who can help your child when you’re not around. They must take this seriously, protect your kid, and, if necessary, keep this confidential.

Create a comeback. Bullies rarely just go away, so offer ways to handle a bully if he must face him (though it’s often best to avoid him altogether). Pleading (“Please stop that”) or feeling-laden messages such as “It really makes feel mad when you do that” rarely work. Bullies want to get their victim upset, and so such comments just means they won. A firm, direct statement such as “Cut it out” or “Leave me alone” are usually best. A big part of success is the ability to deliver it assertively.

Teach how to use assertive body language. Research finds that kids who learn how to be assertive and appear more confident are less likely to be targeted by bullies. In fact, studies show it’s usually not how “different” your child looks or acts, but rather her insecure posture that makes her an easy target. The real secret is to help your child learn to “look assertive” and that means you can’t appear to be a doormat (when everyone walks on you) or a steamroller (you push everyone to get what you want). You want to look somewhere in between: cool and confident. Here are the secrets to teach your child assertive body language.

• Learn to use a more confident posture. Stand tall, hold your head high, and put your shoulders slightly back so you look more confident and less afraid. Check yourself out in the mirror.

• Switch off your scared look. Turn the feelings off your face or pretend you’re wearing a special bully-proof vest that bounces taunts off you. Bullies love knowing they can push your buttons: so don’t let the kid think you’re upset.
• Look at the bully. Use a stone-faced glare or try a mean stare that looks straight through the bully. It makes you look more confident and controlled.

• Say no using a firm voice. If you need to respond, use a strong, firm voice and say a short, direct message: “No.” “Nope.” “Cut it out.” “Leave me alone.” “No way.” Do not cry, whine, or insult, and never threaten a bully. It only makes things worse.

• Leave. Hold your head high and walk towards other kids or an adult. Don’t look back. Get help if you need to. Fight only as a very last resort if you must defend yourself.

Boost self-confidence. Being bullied dramatically affects your child’s self-esteem, so find ways to boost her confidence. A few possibilities including learning martial arts, boxing, or weight-lifting. Find an avenue—such as a hobby, interest, sport, or talent–that your kid enjoys and can excel. Then help her develop the skill so her self-esteem grows. Or encourage your child to join safe kid activities at school or in the community so your child gains much-needed support group;

Step in when needed. If there’s ever the possibility your child could be injured–step in.

Tell those directly responsible for your child like his teacher, coach, day-care worker. If you do not get assurance, go up a level: call the principal, superintendent, school board or police. Bullying is serious and has serious consequences. Don’t give up!

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned educational consultant who has presented workshops to one million participants and award-winning author of over 23 books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a regular parent expert on TODAY and has appeared on The Early Show, The View, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, and CNN Headline News. For more about Dr. Borba’s work visit www.micheleborba.com