http://www.mychildfeels.com/2010/06/the-me-in-parenting/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2010/06/the-me-in-parenting/#comments Tue, 29 Jun 2010 20:57:20 +0000 marshajacobson http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=675 I was undiagnosed, but in retrospect clearly diagnosable, with depression from age 12. For much of my youth I “other-reflected” rather than self-reflected. I made the worst attitudes of others my own. I would say that I hated the way others viewed my depression but I really just hated myself. Through necessity born from the passing of time, I came to acceptance. But it wasn’t until I had children and became aware of the “me” in that relationship that I grew to know myself better. From that knowledge, I learned to love myself.

Every parent has issues – so while I speak from mine, I think what I have learned can be generalized.

Spontaneity is a wonderful attribute in many aspects of life but not so much in parenting. Awareness, consciousness, thoughtfulness and openness are characteristics that I have come to value in the parenting process. Without these, we parent reactively rather than actively. What does this mean? As parents we are sometimes confused between the discrepancy between what we want and what is.

We feel that we have tried our best and in that moment, we truly have.  So what can we do to aim for better?  We need to focus less on our reactions to a particular situation and more on why we react in that way. We have to become self-psychologists. What thoughts and beliefs do we have? Where do they come from? Did our parents have them too? Are they serving us? If not, can we change them?

Here’s a simple example: I am watching my 3 year old daughter eat her dinner. It’s spaghetti and meat sauce. Within minutes, the sauce is more on her face than in her mouth. I reach for a napkin and wipe her face. She screams and pushes me away. I reprimand her and persevere amidst crying. I feel angry that she does not allow me to do what is necessary in this situation.

These are the questions I needed to ask myself, “What is my belief here? Why is it important that her face be clean? Where does this belief come from? Why am I angry?” I realize that I hear my mother’s voice telling me the importance of being clean and that my anger comes from my daughter’s lack of compliance, as well as my feelings of frustration and incompetence.

My belief here is that a good parent is one who can get their child to listen. Knowing these things allows me to choose. I may decide that a clean face is in fact unimportant and thus avoid this particular conflict. If I feel that I need that clean face, I may approach the solution a little differently without the power struggle born from my belief about parenting. For example, I could hand a napkin to my daughter and say, “Here’s a napkin, sweetheart. You can use it if you want to wipe your face.”

Knowledge of the self in parenting is power.

In my early days of parenting, I was a reactive parent. If my children showed any signs of anxiety or sadness, I would react with great personal anxiety believing that this was because of my concern for my child. This reaction did not serve my child or myself. Once I learned to look at what I brought to the parenting table, I was able to recognize that their anxiety was triggering my own fears. This understanding allowed me to remove a cloud from between myself and my child and see him more objectively.

To this day, if I feel that I am particularly anxious in a parenting moment, I will stop and ask myself, “What about this situation is making me feel this way?” This contemplation makes me look at myself and makes me a much more effective parent.

The parenting relationship is complex. Every parenting moment is a mesh of personalities and beliefs from both parent and child. Practicing conscious parenting allows us to take ownership of what belongs to us. This enables us to see our child with greater clarity and to parent with greater empathy.

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Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com.]]> http://www.mychildfeels.com/2010/06/the-me-in-parenting/feed/ 0

Giving readers food for thought, Carpenter talks about parents over-reliance on parent advice. She cleverly points out how advice and parenting gurus change from generation to generation, leading us to wonder at the validity of any of it.

While I could be buying into yet another trend, I do feel that raising your children to be emotionally intelligent by using principles of emotional coaching, empathy and mirroring really makes sense. This approach individualizes parenting and puts the power back where it belongs – the parent-child relationship.

In my opinion, no one parenting book or one parenting guru can be useful unless it recognizes this individualistic approach. When we, as parents, feel in charge of our parenting it does much to reduce the anxiety of feeling like we are always falling short. Reading many conflicting books on parenting will raise this anxiety, sometimes to a feverish pitch.

I’m not suggesting that we should feel like we are always right! Parenting is a dynamic relationship in which we learn. We have to make mistakes because we are human. Let’s learn from these.

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I use the two together because they are bound. Respecting others necessitates understanding of their boundaries. As parents, in our efforts to raise our children, it sometimes feels easier to be prescriptive rather than fine-tuning our approach to their individual needs. Who has the time?! While the time often seems impossible to find, I believe that the short-term effort would mean very long-term gains.

Every child, like every adult, has a different set of boundaries. Even from very young ages, some may enjoy lots of cuddling while others can barely sit on our laps for more than a few seconds. Some kids naturally communicate about everything while others show more reticence. When we understand and respect the individual personalities and boundaries of our children, we are essentially telling them that we accept who they are.

Only from a position of acceptance can children truly grow. Children who are told to be something that they don’t feel at that moment is possible for them, become defensive and cling to the selves that they fear they are in danger of losing. Secure kids are kids who will extend themselves and take risks regardless of their starting position.

How do we as parents change the way we act and more importantly, feel? I think if parents accept that by respecting the boundaries of our children, we will raise them to be the best that they can be, change will feel easier. This becomes more challenging as our children grow older but the truth is that the more challenging it feels, the more important it will be!

I believe that prescriptive parenting serves us and not our kids. We often have to stand by and watch our child “fail” at something because we believe that there is a lesson that they need to learn. For this reason, I like to think of “failure” as showing our children enough respect that we have faith in their ultimate choices.

Believe me, as a mother of four I understand how difficult this is and sometimes not possible at all! No one said parenting was easy. Often it feels very counter-intuitive as we consciously put our protective selves aside, knowing that this will be the best for our children. I am a parent and I struggle with this daily.

Sharing our experiences as parents, our triumphs and our setbacks can be so helpful. I would love to hear what you think about this.

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Marsha Jacobson is author of "

What I like about it was the realism and the understanding of us – the helicopter parents. We have to change but we have to understand first what we must change. The article helps with this understanding.

This article, short and sweet, says it all. I wanted to reinforce the message.

For additional help, in my book “Connected Parenting” I discuss gifted children and how to use a technique called the CALM technique to help parents listen effectively, build resilience and protect and strengthen the parent/ child bond.

If she continues to have difficulty, talk to your paediatrician. She may benefit from a few sessions of Cognitive Behavioural therapy to help give her a sense of control over her emotions. Once she has some sense of control over her feelings the best side of her will emerge. She will be happier, more flexible and you will be able to enjoy your relationship with her so much more.

http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/10/how-this-grandparent-feels/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/10/how-this-grandparent-feels/#comments Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:52:32 +0000 rickieglickman http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=435 One morning, I was sitting enjoying my cup of coffee when the phone rang.

“Hi Rickie, it’s Marsha Jacobson. I was wondering if you would join mychildfeels.com as a contributor. We are looking for a perspective from a grandparent and I know you would be great.    I still remember advice you gave me years ago.”

“Yes,” I replied. “I would love to share my thoughts, but what is blogging? And why can’t we just sit and have a cup of coffee and chat?”

After Marsha explained it all to me, I now understand what blogging is and feel excited at the prospect of sharing my ideas.  They have been seasoned along the way by a 38 year old marriage to my childhood sweetheart, being a mother of my two (now) adult children and their mates and a grandmother to my boys.

My job as a preschool principal for 25 years has fine tuned my perspective and allowed me to see the world through thousands of eyes.  My parents, siblings and their family’s life experiences have provided me with the platform to work towards my doctorate in life.

So, get a large lasagna dish, fill it with eggs and then gently, very gently walk on the eggs… but don’t break them.  Welcome to the world of grand parenting.

I love being a grandmother. But, in order to ride this trolley, there are rules that must be followed. Three great rules I try to work by are: Stop, Look and Listen.

Stop: Give no advice.
Look: Observe your grandkids being parented by their parents.
Listen: Support the parents. As grandparents, we are cheerleaders not consultants.

As a grandparent, my goal is to sit on the sidelines and enjoy a new team playing a familiar game with updated equipment and new and improved rules.  This team has to find their own way and develop strategies that will result in winning outcomes. Insisting on my game plan could sabotage their future successes and interferes with the team building process, necessary for any championship team.

We know it “takes a village to raise a child,” but it takes the wisdom of the world to be a grandparent.

I look forward to reading your ideas, comments or questions.

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Rickie Glickman is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com. With her degree in education and years of teaching experience, Rickie examines parenting issues through the eyes of a grandparent.]]> http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/10/how-this-grandparent-feels/feed/ 6

http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/10/education-begins-in-the-home/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/10/education-begins-in-the-home/#comments Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:37:56 +0000 marshajacobson http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=423 I found a simple, yet powerful, letter in the Los Angeles Times. Esther A. Jantzen wrote an opinion letter entitled, “Dear Richard Riordan: An open letter to the former L.A. mayor on making parenting education part of public school reform.” I couldn’t say it better myself, so I won’t. It’s short and to the point and well worth reading.

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Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com.]]> http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/10/education-begins-in-the-home/feed/ 0

http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/guest-blog-campaign-to-stomp-out-bullying-by-sue-scheff/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/guest-blog-campaign-to-stomp-out-bullying-by-sue-scheff/#comments Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:53:09 +0000 marshajacobson http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=290 I’m excited to welcome

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Love Our Children USA recently announced that bullying and teasing is at the top of kids’ issues at schools, and with school now open, parents, teachers and school administrators must take caution and sensitivity in handling these issues. Childhood should be a time filled with wonder and joy, but the reality for many kids and teens is often much different. They’re the victims of bullying and cyber-bullying at school or on neighborhood playgrounds.

October 4 – 10, 2009 is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Week.

To observe the week, Love Our Children USA will speak at various schools about bullying, cyberbullying and preventing it.

To signify the importance of the week, Love Our Children USA created National Blue Shirt Day. Specifically on Monday, October 5th, the organization is asking kids, teens and adults to participate in national BLUE SHIRT DAY by wearing a blue shirt to STOMP Out Bullying.

They chose blue because in many diverse cultures blue brings peace. The color conveys importance and confidence.

On Monday, October 5th, Americans across the country will wear blue shirts as they make their way to school or to the office as a grassroots national campaign to STOMP Out Bullying. Participation is expected from major cities and proclamations from leading politicians and civic leaders. This day will be supported with a national media campaign. Last October, the organization created STOMP Out Bullying.

To date over 48,000 people have committed to STOMP Out Bullying. Kids who are intimidated, threatened, or harmed by bullies often experience low self-esteem and depression, whereas those doing the bullying may go on to engage in more serious antisocial behaviors. Some kids are so traumatized by being bullied, that they contemplate suicide. Bullies often have been the victims of bullying or other mistreatment themselves.

Ross Ellis, Love Our Children USA Founder and Chief Executive Officer, remembers only too well what it is like to be bullied. Today it’s a regular occurrence in schools starting as early as kindergarten. It’s not a right of passage as some may think. It’s a crisis. And many kids have committed suicide because the taunting was so torturous. Bullying can be so painful and clearly has played a role in recent school shootings across the country.

While boys are more physical, girls use weapons, exclusion, slander, rumors and gossip. And beware of cyberbullying which is on the rise. This social online cruelty is used in the forms of e-mail, cell phone; pager text messages, instant messaging, defamatory personal Web sites, and defamatory online personal polling Web sites, deliberate, repeated, and hostile behavior, and is used by an individual or group — intended to harm others – especially amongst our youth.

While most kids use the Internet for friendly interactions, more and more kids are using these communication tools to antagonize, terrorize and intimidate others. Ellis said “parents must keep open communication with their children. Look for signs. And school administrators can no longer sweep the issue under the rug. Students should be educated about the harmful effects of bullying. Many schools are sweeping the issue under the rug. Every school should declare No Bullying Policy and enforce it.” Ross Ellis suggests that schools set up a web site where kids can anonymously report the person who is bullying them. That way victims can feel safe in making the report and the school can deal with the bully.

Recent Statistics Show:

• 1 out of 4 kids is Bullied.
• 1 out of 5 kids admits to being a bully, or doing some “Bullying.”
• 8% of students miss 1 day of class per month for fear of Bullies.
• 43% fear harassment in the bathroom at school.
• 100,000 students carry a gun to school.
• 28% of youths who carry weapons have witnessed violence at home.
• A poll of teens ages 12-17 proved that they think violence increased at their schools.
• 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month.
• More youth violence occurs on school grounds as opposed to on the way to school.
• 80% of the time, an argument with a bully will end up in a physical fight.
• 1/3 of students surveyed said they heard another student threaten to kill someone.
• 1 out of 5 teens knows someone who brings a gun to school.
• 2 out of 3 say they know how to make a bomb, or know where to get the information to do it.
• Almost half of all students say they know another student who’s capable of murder.
• Playground statistics – Every 7 minutes a child is bullied. Adult intervention -4% Peer intervention – 11%. No intervention – 85%.

Ellis said “helping your children cope with either being a bully or being a victim often requires outside assistance, such as from your child’s school or the community. School is the most likely place for bullying to occur, so discuss your concerns with your child’s teachers and counselor and ask what they can do to help. School personnel can be influential in helping a child modify his behavior. Take advantage of any psychological counseling services that may be offered at your child’s school or in your community.”

Bullying is a form of child abuse and bullies are very likely to grow up as an adult who abuses children. More information about bullying and how to help your children and students can be found at www.stompoutbullying.org

About Love Our Children USA: Since 1999, Love Our Children USA has paved the way as the national nonprofit leader that honors, respects and protects children. Its mission is to break the cycle of violence against children. Love Our Children USA has become ‘the go-to’ prevention organization for all forms of violence and neglect against children in the U.S. It works to eliminate behaviors that keep children from reaching their potential. It redefines parenting and creates kid success by promoting prevention strategies and positive changes in parenting and family attitudes and behaviors through public education. It works to empower and support children, teens, parents and families through information, resources, advocacy, and online youth mentoring. Its goal is to keep children safe and strengthen families — Its message is positive … one of prevention and hope.

Sue Scheff is a parent advocate.  She believes that educating parents on an industry that is extremely confusing is the first step to finding the best help.  Since 2001, Sue Scheff has grown her organization, Parent’s Universal Resource Expert’s (P.U.R.E.™), to be widely recognized and well respected throughout the country and world. Her new book “Google Bomb: The Untold Story of the $11.3M Verdict That Changed the Way We Use the Internet” was released earlier this month.

Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence” (1995) introduced the idea of emotional intelligence to professionals and laymen. It boldly claimed that in predicting personal success, EQ could be “as powerful, and at times more powerful, than IQ.” (p. 34).  Much of this claim was based on previous extensive research on IQ, which found that the predictive nature of IQ on job performance and personal success was seriously falling short.

The correlations were only between 10% and 25%. John Snarey and George Vaillant conducted a longitudinal study in 1985 involving 450 boys and found that IQ had little relation to workplace and personal success. Rather, what was found to be more important in determining their success was their ability to handle frustration, control emotions, and get along with others. While they did not call these traits emotional intelligence, they are some of the central elements to the emotional intelligence construct.

John Gottman, a forerunner in the area of emotional intelligence in children, claimed, “In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.”

Beyond just academia and formally defining the concept of “emotional intelligence,” the core elements of the construct have emerged in other areas too. A great example of this from popular culture is The Secret, a book and movie by Rhonda Byrne. It believes in the inner emotional power of people. It took the English-speaking world by storm and has already been translated into 10 other languages. More than anything, this demonstrates the world’s readiness to focus on their emotions. The adult population, already saturated by self-help books, was primed and ready to accept these ideas.

It is no surprise now that workforce personnel have enthusiastically supported the investigation and understanding of EQ. Companies are including EQ assessments and training into work regimes. The increasing competitiveness in the workforce has forced those who want to get ahead to actively look for new plausible ideas and run with them. Their approach has been, “This seems to be something that may affect productivity. Lets try it.”

In the area of children and education, scepticism has been more predominant. School boards have focussed on the research showing lack of proof between emotional intelligence and success in later life. Lynn Waterhouse sums up this point of view in her article for Educational Psychologist in 2006. According to her, there exist too many conflicting constructs of EQ to make research possible and the research that has been done is too inconclusive. Many supporters are frustrated at the lack of action taken by schools because they feel that the best time to teach EQ is in childhood.

Perhaps our entire approach to emotional intelligence is wrong. We are trying to place the idea of EQ purely in the scientific world and assessing efficacy and predictability only according to the rules of science. Quantitative research is valuable whenever possible but certainly has limitations when focusing on a construct as qualitative as emotional intelligence. Is there not sufficient evidence that suggests the importance of EQ? Is there not overwhelming evidence that suggests that the lack of EQ creates many of the problems in our lives today? Perhaps we should be focussing on what isn’t working in our human experience rather than resisting the implementation of EQ into our schools.

With the rise in school violence, bullying, terrorism, suicide, job dissatisfaction and loneliness, can we afford to not teach EQ to our children? What can we possibly have to lose by teaching our children to be emotionally intelligent? What’s the worst that can happen? We will produce a generation of people more in touch with their feelings and with the feelings of others? We will produce a generation of people who are taught to be more empathic, tolerant and respectful to themselves and others?

There may be some among us who might like to live in a world like that.