Hi Jennifer,

I’m struggling to deal with a particular behaviour that my five and a half year old, Chandra, has been displaying.

For the last three months or so, when she gets upset about something, she says she doesn’t like herself and starts to smack her head. This is very upsetting to me and even moreso when her younger sister imitates her. The latest example occurred when her Daddy chose to floss her sister’s teeth before her own. This caused an eruption of anger which then led to the above described behaviour.

I’m not sure whether I should physically stop her from hitting herself (by gently guarding her head or lowering her hands) or ignore the behaviour. I have tried the first and she often does not like being touched. I have also said something like, “I see that you are angry. It upsets me when you hit yourself because I love you.” The behaviour persists.

Does she want me to pick her up and soothe her?

Anger is an accepted feeling in our household but I am trying to teach her that aggression is not acceptable. We’ve talked about activities that could help her calm down but in the moment she doesn’t want to do those, doesn’t want to be touched, doesn’t want to deep breath, walk in meditation or go to a quiet spot to calm down.

Is there something about her age that is triggering all of this?

Thanks,

Kim E.

In addition to what you are already doing, I would suggest adding some special time and some connecting or baby play, time every day for 20 minutes or so where you are cuddling her and pretending she is a baby or a much younger child. Children love this and it is very good for them for many reasons. It strengthens the bonds that her difficult behaviour can fray and it can soothe her with important reward chemicals that get released in the brain like oxytocin. It does not mean you have neglected to do this or that you are not bonded strongly to her—only that things can become strained by her negative behaviour, making her feel less loveable. Again, not that you don’t love her: it’s that she may feel a bit unlovable because of the choices she has been making. Strengthening the bond will help a great deal and should help her become more organised emotionally.

Parenting is not a one way street. Two separate personalities interact to hopefully produce a loving parent-child relationship. Becoming a good parent is as much about us as it is about our kids. We have to understand our beliefs, emotions and our own “parented” experience. Not only that, we have to process all of this so that we parent consciously and not reactively.

Here’s an example: Tim is 15 years old. He has shut himself in his room, barely communicates and has even gone so far as to put a sign on his door which says, “Keep Out!” This can be hard to deal with especially for parents who believe that children should always listen or for parents who have problems with not being liked. This can feel impossible and they may react in anger, creating a power struggle which resolves very little.

Parents who take the time to recognize their feelings may be more able to react by saying to themselves, “This is a tough situation for me and it evokes all these feelings. This self-acknowledement creates consciousness and we are much more able to show empathy to our child. It may allow us to see that our teenager is seeking independence and separation.” Understanding allows for compassion and empathy which are two attributes important in parenting and never more so than in parenting teenagers!

Does this mean that before becoming a parent we should all go into therapy? (In truth, it probably wouldn’t hurt!) It does mean is that parents should think about parenting from a personal perspective. Become aware of the issues that you bring to the parent-child relationship. Sometimes knowing what your issues are allows you to react differently even if you have not resolved those issues. Taking responsibility for who you are adds a layer to parenting by increasing consciousness.

We are all human however, so be prepared for mistakes. We learn from our mistakes! And they’re not always set in stone. An apology goes a long way, both in correcting a parenting mistakes and in teaching our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes and to apologize.

Avoiding power struggles does not mean soft parenting. Children need to know that their parents are in charge and their protectors. Be in charge. Just don’t be there for the wrong reasons.

All of us have anxiety – it is an important emotion.

We need it to survive, stay safe and make good choices. Some of us are hardwired to be more anxious than others. As a therapist, I feel that more and more children are struggling with anxiety for many reasons and many parents struggle with how to help their kids cope. We want to make sure our children control their anxiety so it doesn’t control them. We don’t want their worries and fears to get in the way of enjoying and participating fully in their lives.

As parents it can be very difficult to help an anxious child. We often resort to reasoning with them and trying to use logic to talk them out of these irrational feelings. Unfortunately, this can just makes things worse. Once the brain is anxious for a certain amount of time it begins to organizes itself around that and remain in fight or flight mode for longer periods. An anxious brain does not always respond very well to rationale  and the child often becomes more invested in convincing you how scary a situation really is. Children can also widen their repertoire of things to be frightened of, leaving parents baffled and swinging between feeling empathy and frustration.

Children don’t always show the typical or obvious signs of anxiety that we might think of. Sometimes demanding behaviour, extreme bossiness, temper tantrums and sleep disturbances can all be symptoms of worry or anxiety.

Here’s what to do:

• Talk to Your Child’s Doctor. If you feel your child’s anxiety is regularly getting in the way of them enjoying their life, if they constantly have trouble sleeping or complain often of stomach aches, nausea or headaches, contact your child’s pediatrician.
• Fight or Flight Response. When a child is feeling anxious, their fight or flight instincts might kick in. This means their brain is not letting them think rationally, so when a parent tries to rationalize the situation, the child feels like they aren’t being listened to. Instead, ask lots of questions about how they are feeling, and put some urgency in your voice, without sounding anxious yourself. This will show you get that they are worried, and will help them get back to a place where they can hear the logical things you have to say.
• Give it a Name. Don’t talk about your child being afraid, because this makes it seem like something that they can’t fix. Give it a name, like the “worry bug.” For older kids or teens, just refer to it as the “worry that gets in the way.” Then you can work together to come up with ways to reduce it. This helps kids to control their emotions.
• Get Connected. Spend more cuddle time with young children and spend more alone time with teenagers. Children feel safe and more secure when they feel deeply loved.
• Set Limits.  Kids are exposed to a lot of adults themes – and they are not socially or emotionally prepared to deal with these. Set limits on behaviour and the things you kids are exposed to. When kids see that parents don’t have control, they get nervous about who will take care of them and this aggravates anxiety. Turn off scary news reports on TV or hide frightening headlines.
• Scaling. Get your kids to rate their anxiety and use deep breathing or positive imagery to bring the number down.
• Calm Yourself. Sometimes children come by their anxiety honestly. Use the same techniques to make sure you are calm. Kids often gauge their responses based on ours.