My son just turned 4 and we have recently discovered that he may be hard of hearing. There has been a lot of activity lately around him regarding this discovery.  He has always been a bit of a hot tempered boy but just this past week it has seemed to escalate to him getting in your face and growling, stomping feet and throwing things. Could this be due to all the “medical” issues going on around him lately? What is the best way to handle this? We do our best to talk calmly and take him to a quiet space to help him calm down but is this the best way?

- S.

It’s important to remember that many kids at the age of four behave exactly this way even without any other compounding issues. I am sure part of his frustration does have to do with the stress of being carted around to different appointments but part of your sons frustration may also come from the fact that like most four year old’s, he has many more words in his head than he can actually get out, especially if he has missed some information due to his hearing difficulties.

When he is frustrated it is even harder to find those words and express them. This is typical for children around three and four years old and means that it is much easier to grab, stomp or throw things than to say them.  This will most likely decrease as his hearing issues are addressed and his language develops.

In the meantime it is important to deal with these behaviors. Behaviors hang around if they are useful so somehow the yelling and throwing things is serving some purpose for him.  It may be that he’s upset so he wants you to be upset too.  It may be that at least some of the time it has paid off and he has ended up getting what he wanted. In order to stop certain behaviors you have to be neutral, calm and very consistent.

If you are using the naughty chair then after asking him to say things in a nice way and after you have shown him that you understand he is frustrated, tell him that if he continues to speak to you in that way he will have him sit on the chair for two or three minutes every time. Do this calmly and do it every time he speaks to you in this manner. Try not to shame him and you don’t have to lecture or have a big talk when going to the chair or when the sitting time is over, just go back to business as usual like it never happened.

The key is to repeat this over and over again as an interruption so he learns it actually is worth taking the time to think about his words. Balance this with lots of cuddles and kisses and you should see this behavior disappear in less than two weeks. Good luck.

Raising children is not easy, especially in difficult times. It is during these times that honesty becomes so important. Say what you mean and mean what you say because children “hear” our non-verbal communication as loudly as our verbal conversation. Shara suggests that rather than shield our children during times like these that we engage them and teach them coping skills to help them become successful adults.

Thanks for the insight Shara!

Marsha

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Should we protect our kids from difficult circumstances?

In my parent’s generation it was understood that children should be kept from hearing, or seeing, difficult situations: financial, marriage, family, etc. Our parents did this in an attempt to keep our hearts from breaking. They wanted to protect us.

With protection, however, comes a bit of head burial. Much like an Ostrich with his head in the sand. The difficult circumstances still exist but the Ostrich cannot see them – temporarily. When the head is pulled out of the sand, though, the aftermath of the circumstances may well bring a bit of shock to the poor fellow.

What? Huh? What happened to my food? It was right there, just a moment ago!

Parenting could well be viewed this way, also: if we attempt to protect our children from every difficult situation, they might be left wondering: “What the heck happened? How do I deal with this NOW?”

Consider the following hypothetical situation:

Mom: Your father is upset because it’s been a long day. He’s just tired. Everything is fine. Go to bed now and tomorrow will be a new day! You’re fine right? Good night, kiddo. Love you!

Child: But…I know something is wrong. I can feel it. I can sense it. Dad used to be more laid back and easy going. Have I done something wrong? Why does he hate me now? What can I do to make it right?

Now consider this hypothetical situation:

Mom: Hey, kiddo. We know you are wondering what’s going on. We’ll be honest with you. Your dad lost his job this week. The company downsized and several daddies were left wondering what to do. It’s not easy for your dad right now. He feels as though he’s let us all down. We may need to reconsider how we’ve been spending money and I might need to get another job for a while. That will cause some stress on the family but we’re going to work hard to be positive, have faith that everything will work out, and keep the lines of communication open. We’ll plan a fun day out, together, soon – like a picnic at the park. This won’t be easy but we’ll pull through. We always do.

Child: This makes sense. Of course dad is feeling bad and now I get it. I’m glad it wasn’t me or anything I did. Yeah – let’s go to the park soon!

By giving our children the skills needed to talk through situations, we’ll help them for the short term and for the long term. No family (single parent, two parent, or otherwise) gets through life without any difficult circumstances. This is not logical or feasible.

The key is to demonstrate an ability to communicate, feel, empathize and work through the difficult times. If our children see that hard times come, yes – but can be worked through as a team – they’ll be ready for successful adulthood.

About the Author:

Shara Lawrence-Weiss is the owner of Mommy Perks, Personal Child Stories, Early Childhood News and Resources and Kids Perks. She has a background in education, early childhood, nanny work, published freelance, marketing and special needs.

In the multicultural societies of North America, tolerance and kindness towards others begins in the cradle. Karen has some wonderful and helpful suggestions on how to create an environment conducive to these attributes. Karen is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009) and has her Masters degree in education. Thanks Karen for providing us with your great perspective. – Marsha

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Children from different home languages are the fastest growing segment of the preschool population right now across the United States.  Chances are most English-speaking children will meet children who speak other languages in their neighborhoods, schools and childcare.  We can all benefit from fostering attitudes of tolerance and friendship.

Research tells us that all preschool children need to continue learning in their home languages even while they are also ready and able to learn a second language.  My hope is that all young children can learn to make wonderful social and emotional connections regardless of language, culture or ability.

I’ve included a lot of suggestions for helping diverse children communicate in my book, “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House). Here are some practical strategies that you can use to help young children get along with their diverse friends:

• Be a language learning role model:  Research shows there are cognitive advantages to becoming bilingual.  Even more important, this is a great way to show that you respect and enjoy diversity of languages and cultures and you are willing to give it a try.  Help children get beyond their shyness about trying to pronounce unfamiliar words.  And, above all, learn to properly pronounce every child’s name because it is an extension of their identity!
• Narrate children’s play:  This helps bridge the communication gap by giving the English speaking children clues about how they can understand their new friend and by providing new vocabulary and understanding for the English language learner.  You might say, “Oh, Tomika is reaching for the blue play dough.  I think she is making a snake.  Ryan, you want to use some blue play dough too?  Let’s see how we can help Tomika understand how fun it is to share playdough with a friend!”
• Teach everyone to use “motherese”: Even preschool-aged children can use these time-tested techniques to build basic language.  Remind all the children to speak slowly, to use gestures, expressions, props and pointing, to emphasize key words, and to be patient as they look for signs their friend has understood their message.
• Assign language buddies:  Establishing a buddy system guarantees that every child will have a ready-made friend to start with.  Depending on who is available and what are the language levels and needs of each child, think of different ways to pair children.  You might ask a more experienced bilingual child to partner with a newcomer, or pair a nurturing English-speaker with a child who is just learning the language.  This benefits the newcomer for sure – but think about how terrific it is for the other buddy to be entrusted with such important responsibility!
• Prepare adults to foster multilingual friendships:  Sometimes programs or playgroups may have one adult who speaks the other language of the children.  That’s a wonderful thing – but even better if that adult is prepared to include other friends in the play, stories and games.  Every monolingual English child should have the experience of participating in play that is conducted in a language they hardly know.
• Try using sign language:  Using American Sign Language (ASL) in the U.S., and other versions in their respective locations, is a fantastic addition to any preschool child’s life.  Many of the signs used by young children really do look like the concept, so they are easy to remember and use.  For example, the sign for ‘drink’ is to hold the hand as if gripping a cup and putting it to the lips.  As long as we depend on using gestures to augment our communication – why not use standard signs as gestures?  Then all the children will be learning the same gestures to clarify communication even if the group has many different languages.  I’ve seen children rush to teach signs to newcomers so they can get to know each other right away.

I know there’s a lot of talk among advocates and experts about how important it is for American children to learn to communicate with people from different language and cultural background to support our country’s ability to compete in the global marketplace.  Right now, I am most interested in helping young children develop confidence, self-esteem, and the joy of being able to make new friends!

Karen Nemeth, Ed.M. is an instructor at Bucks County Community College in Pennsylvania.  She is also a consultant and website developer (www.languagecastle.com) on supporting dual and English language learners in early childhood education.  She is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House).  She is a writer and consulting editor for NAEYC and is the Early Childhood Special Interest Group co-coordinator on the board of NJTESOL-NJBE.

All of us have anxiety – it is an important emotion.

We need it to survive, stay safe and make good choices. Some of us are hardwired to be more anxious than others. As a therapist, I feel that more and more children are struggling with anxiety for many reasons and many parents struggle with how to help their kids cope. We want to make sure our children control their anxiety so it doesn’t control them. We don’t want their worries and fears to get in the way of enjoying and participating fully in their lives.

As parents it can be very difficult to help an anxious child. We often resort to reasoning with them and trying to use logic to talk them out of these irrational feelings. Unfortunately, this can just makes things worse. Once the brain is anxious for a certain amount of time it begins to organizes itself around that and remain in fight or flight mode for longer periods. An anxious brain does not always respond very well to rationale  and the child often becomes more invested in convincing you how scary a situation really is. Children can also widen their repertoire of things to be frightened of, leaving parents baffled and swinging between feeling empathy and frustration.

Children don’t always show the typical or obvious signs of anxiety that we might think of. Sometimes demanding behaviour, extreme bossiness, temper tantrums and sleep disturbances can all be symptoms of worry or anxiety.

Here’s what to do:

• Talk to Your Child’s Doctor. If you feel your child’s anxiety is regularly getting in the way of them enjoying their life, if they constantly have trouble sleeping or complain often of stomach aches, nausea or headaches, contact your child’s pediatrician.
• Fight or Flight Response. When a child is feeling anxious, their fight or flight instincts might kick in. This means their brain is not letting them think rationally, so when a parent tries to rationalize the situation, the child feels like they aren’t being listened to. Instead, ask lots of questions about how they are feeling, and put some urgency in your voice, without sounding anxious yourself. This will show you get that they are worried, and will help them get back to a place where they can hear the logical things you have to say.
• Give it a Name. Don’t talk about your child being afraid, because this makes it seem like something that they can’t fix. Give it a name, like the “worry bug.” For older kids or teens, just refer to it as the “worry that gets in the way.” Then you can work together to come up with ways to reduce it. This helps kids to control their emotions.
• Get Connected. Spend more cuddle time with young children and spend more alone time with teenagers. Children feel safe and more secure when they feel deeply loved.
• Set Limits.  Kids are exposed to a lot of adults themes – and they are not socially or emotionally prepared to deal with these. Set limits on behaviour and the things you kids are exposed to. When kids see that parents don’t have control, they get nervous about who will take care of them and this aggravates anxiety. Turn off scary news reports on TV or hide frightening headlines.
• Scaling. Get your kids to rate their anxiety and use deep breathing or positive imagery to bring the number down.
• Calm Yourself. Sometimes children come by their anxiety honestly. Use the same techniques to make sure you are calm. Kids often gauge their responses based on ours.

I use the two together because they are bound. Respecting others necessitates understanding of their boundaries. As parents, in our efforts to raise our children, it sometimes feels easier to be prescriptive rather than fine-tuning our approach to their individual needs. Who has the time?! While the time often seems impossible to find, I believe that the short-term effort would mean very long-term gains.

Every child, like every adult, has a different set of boundaries. Even from very young ages, some may enjoy lots of cuddling while others can barely sit on our laps for more than a few seconds. Some kids naturally communicate about everything while others show more reticence. When we understand and respect the individual personalities and boundaries of our children, we are essentially telling them that we accept who they are.

Only from a position of acceptance can children truly grow. Children who are told to be something that they don’t feel at that moment is possible for them, become defensive and cling to the selves that they fear they are in danger of losing. Secure kids are kids who will extend themselves and take risks regardless of their starting position.

How do we as parents change the way we act and more importantly, feel? I think if parents accept that by respecting the boundaries of our children, we will raise them to be the best that they can be, change will feel easier. This becomes more challenging as our children grow older but the truth is that the more challenging it feels, the more important it will be!

I believe that prescriptive parenting serves us and not our kids. We often have to stand by and watch our child “fail” at something because we believe that there is a lesson that they need to learn. For this reason, I like to think of “failure” as showing our children enough respect that we have faith in their ultimate choices.

Believe me, as a mother of four I understand how difficult this is and sometimes not possible at all! No one said parenting was easy. Often it feels very counter-intuitive as we consciously put our protective selves aside, knowing that this will be the best for our children. I am a parent and I struggle with this daily.

Sharing our experiences as parents, our triumphs and our setbacks can be so helpful. I would love to hear what you think about this.

Thank you Anamarie for making me think! The premise of this book is as the title suggests: we need to commit to personal growth during our lifetime if we want to break the cycle of passing on to our children stuff that we don’t want them to receive. If we choose to leave ourselves alone, we perpetuate the habits, beliefs and attitudes that our past experiences have created. We become driven by unconscious forces. Regardless of the nature/nuture components of these forces, I believe we can change.

To make these changes we first have to focus on who we are. We cannot ignore our past because this gives it a power that it shouldn’t have. I’m a big fan of Grey’s Anatomy. It’s my “curl up in bed, late at night with a cup of coffee” pleasure! I was pleasantly surprised some months ago when a therapist gave advice to one of the characters suffering with post traumatic stress disorder. It went something like, “You cannot get to where you want to be unless you know where you are coming from.” In other words, our focus on our past is essential for understanding ourselves but what we do with that understanding is what will define us. We need to free ourselves of the past and its influence on our behavior by facing it.

An open mind is key. Without it, we will miss opportunities to grow. I would rather try something and find it absolutely useless than potentially miss out on a gem. Becoming a parent makes our need for personal growth a priority (not that we shouldn’t be doing it for ourselves alone). We need to be able to choose how to parent and the only way to do this is if we become conscious parents.