mychildfeels.com » Happiness

Great… Grandparenting

rickieglickman — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 17:23:53 +0000

I would like to dedicate this article to my 89 year old, medicine free Mom. Her zest for life is greater than the combined totals of all the ‘bail-outs’. Mom, this one is for you!

This grandparent feels that what one can learn from a great grandparent is priceless.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you my Mom, Ruth. She is a real character who believes in being thankful for each and every day while embracing risk taking and experiencing life to its fullest. Since she lives in Chicago, the phone is our most often means of communication.

When I receive a phone call from her that begins with, “Guess what?” I immediately freeze.

I quickly sit down, grab a coffee, diet coke and at the same time, a piece of chocolate. Regarding her “Guess what’s?” she is always interested in my concerns and will complement me on my wise opinions and then will proceed to do exactly as she pleases.

Over the years, these are some of the “Guess what’s?” I’ve heard my mom say:

When she was 70 years old, “I am going to become a model. Soon, I will be going for my head shots. I called an agency and they think I can be in the Cubs calendar. They also feel I can be in magazines.”
At 73 years old, “I was passing the corner restaurant this morning on my walk and I noticed a sign on the window. They will be filming a commercial later in the day and everyone is welcome to participate. So, I spruced myself up and returned and I just know I will be in the commercial. I had to eat their new fried chicken wings and then they filmed my reaction. I told them, quite excitedly, they were to die for! I then came home, and threw up. I thought I was going to die!”
At 75, “I just signed up for tap – dancing, my first recital is in the spring. Will you come?”
At 79, “I just got off the phone with a lady in Sarasota and we are like sisters. I phoned her because she had an ad in the Chicago Tribune and is looking for a room mate for January and February. I know I have never been to Sarasota, but it has to be better then the cold. I need to take a risk and I think this will be a great adventure.”
At 80, “I met a man. His name is Sandor, he sings in the choir, and he drove me home from services last night. I ran out of the car, because I was not sure I wanted him to know exactly where I live. He is 88, and a real ladies man. I am so excited because he is also a straight man. Rickie, a straight man does not need a cane.”

I will close with a recent conversation I had with my Mom about her latest doctor appointment.

Mom’s doctor is a specialist in gerontology and an absolute angel. Her doctor never fails to return her phone calls with kindness and the utmost concern wherever her travels take her.

My Mom has decided that a visit to her doctor is not really necessary since he is so busy with sick people and she is healthy. So, needless to say to get her to make a doctor’s appointment can be challenging.

A few weeks ago, after her doctor’s appointment, she phoned to report that she chatted with her doctor for an hour. He thinks she is doing great and she should do whatever she pleases. According to my Mom, he is most interested in her latest home remedy… pure cherry juice. Her doctor is going to check into it and then recommend it to his patients.

They both decided that Mom is growing up!

So, I have decided to grow up (a little everyday) rather than grow old. What do you think?

P.S. I just got off the phone with my Mom and she was so excited because she was finally able to access a computer and read my articles on mychildfeels.com. She said, “Rickie, I read your blobs and I think you are great!”

Rickie Glickman is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com. With her degree in education and years of teaching experience, Rickie examines parenting issues through the eyes of a grandparent.

What’s In A Name?

marshajacobson — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 15:03:35 +0000

A recent article in the globegazette.com entitled “Emma, Ethan Lead Iowa’s Baby Name List” by Rod Boshart discusses the most popular baby names today. And also the anxiety that parents experience when they have to come up with a name!

In days gone by your name was simply your name, the word by which to get your attention. Today names have taken on more meaning. Parents experience a lot of anxiety looking for the right name. Trendy but not too out there. Strong. Names have to say, “I am unique!”

Does this reflect our general feelings of being lost and overlooked in this world of ours? If so, then shouldn’t we acknowledge that and pay much more attention to bringing up our children with high self-esteem. Let’s aim at raising our kids to define their name and not the other way around.

Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com .

Respect and Boundaries

marshajacobson — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:08:57 +0000

Understanding respect and boundaries is crucial to parenting. What does this mean? When I was growing up, respect meant one thing only – how we spoke to and behaved towards our elders. Today, I have a very different understanding of these words.

I use the two together because they are bound. Respecting others necessitates understanding of their boundaries. As parents, in our efforts to raise our children, it sometimes feels easier to be prescriptive rather than fine-tuning our approach to their individual needs. Who has the time?! While the time often seems impossible to find, I believe that the short-term effort would mean very long-term gains.

Every child, like every adult, has a different set of boundaries. Even from very young ages, some may enjoy lots of cuddling while others can barely sit on our laps for more than a few seconds. Some kids naturally communicate about everything while others show more reticence. When we understand and respect the individual personalities and boundaries of our children, we are essentially telling them that we accept who they are.

Only from a position of acceptance can children truly grow. Children who are told to be something that they don’t feel at that moment is possible for them, become defensive and cling to the selves that they fear they are in danger of losing. Secure kids are kids who will extend themselves and take risks regardless of their starting position.

How do we as parents change the way we act and more importantly, feel? I think if parents accept that by respecting the boundaries of our children, we will raise them to be the best that they can be, change will feel easier. This becomes more challenging as our children grow older but the truth is that the more challenging it feels, the more important it will be!

I believe that prescriptive parenting serves us and not our kids. We often have to stand by and watch our child “fail” at something because we believe that there is a lesson that they need to learn. For this reason, I like to think of “failure” as showing our children enough respect that we have faith in their ultimate choices.

Believe me, as a mother of four I understand how difficult this is and sometimes not possible at all! No one said parenting was easy. Often it feels very counter-intuitive as we consciously put our protective selves aside, knowing that this will be the best for our children. I am a parent and I struggle with this daily.

Sharing our experiences as parents, our triumphs and our setbacks can be so helpful. I would love to hear what you think about this.

Happiness

marshajacobson — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:46:45 +0000

I loved an article written by Paul Dalton in articlescollections.com called “Happiness – Just How Do You Do It?”

Dalton says that adults refer to the “pursuit of happiness” or “I’ll be happy when…” Happiness for most is conditional and placed in the future. He says that we even refer to ourselves as the human race implying that we are chasing something.

On the other hand, declares Dalton, “But look at a child. Children are much smarter than adults when it comes to being happy. For them it is just a state of being. They don’t place conditions on when they will and when they won’t feel it. As long as they’re not hungry, in pain, or being told off, they are happy. It’s their default program.”

This article really made me think, not so much about my level of happiness, but about the interaction between an adult and child. When, how and why do we change our expectations? Why does the experience of happiness change from a natural experience of entitlement to something that has to be earned?

Letting Your Grad Student Go

marshajacobson — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:12:59 +0000

My sister and I were talking the other day about how difficult we find it to NOT be helicopter parents. So naturally, this article at nytimes.com by Amanda M. Fairbanks called “Letting Your Grad Student Go” grabbed my attention.

What I like about it was the realism and the understanding of us – the helicopter parents. We have to change but we have to understand first what we must change. The article helps with this understanding.

Parenting Teenagers

marshajacobson — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:43:05 +0000

I know some parents who intimidated me as a young mother. They seemed to get everything just right. Their children were always immaculate, clean and well-behaved. They slept when they were supposed to and ate what was good for them. These same parents found the time to teach their barely toddlers to recognize their abc’s and still find space in a day to work out!

I crawled through those early years, happy to make it to the end of each day without a major calamity or concern.

I noticed however, with great interest, that these same parents seemed a bit thrown when their children reached eight or nine. Those fun years when kids realize for the first time that you, their wonderful parents, don’t know absolutely everything there is to know on this earth. They learn that their mouths move and they’re not afraid to use them. These parents now go into full gear and ground their kids at the drop of a hat and manage, through these and other punitive techniques, to keep their children, yet again, on the straight and narrow for another few years.

Then, TEENAGERS! I’ve come to realize that these years define parents way more than they define children. Parents of teenagers who’ve never doubted their parenting skills could run into serious trouble here. Children of this age want to explore their own wants and desires. They want to experiment with limits and they definitely don’t want you telling them what to do. Parents of teenagers have to become expert diplomats. They have to learn to parent with backbone and understanding in the same sitting.

Parents with control issues do not do well parenting this age group. They take rebellion and withdrawal as a personal attack and lose sight of the true role of parent. They are so hung up on getting their children to listen that they forget to look for emotional and social cues. I’m not saying that parenting teenagers is easy. It’s not. But it doesn’t have to spiral into an endless existence of negativity.

This is the greatest period of adjustment for parents. It is almost, symbolically speaking, the real cutting of the cord. Parents unable to do this will start to do one of two things. They will start to blame their child (for somehow being innately bad) or they will start to blame others – wrong friends, wrong school, wrong area etc. Sadly, many “perfect” parents do not look at themselves.

Where The Wild Things Are

marshajacobson — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:17:00 +0000

I can’t help but notice the hype around the movie, “Where the Wild Things Are“. My daughter is seeing it twice in the upcoming couple of weeks. Once with her school and then again at a friend’s birthday party. Why are children and adults drawn to this story?

I think the answer is that it speaks to the intuitive and often unconscious need in all of us to face our feelings, whether they make us feel good or bad. We understand somewhere inside that this is necessary for our emotional survival. When I read to children, especially young children, I am always fascinated with how willing they are to speak about their feelings. They tell me about their nightmares and about the monsters that they believe are lurking in dark corners. Young children also find it so much easier than older kids or adults to say, “That hurt my feelings.” When, and more importantly, why do we lose this openness?

I’m not sure that I know the answer but I do know that we don’t have to lose it. I also know that growing up doesn’t have to mean that we hide our “unacceptable” feelings. As a person who suffers with anxiety and depression, I understand very well how tempting it is to hide feelings from others. I have learned, however, at the tender age of 52 that it doesn’t work. Unprocessed emotions have a way of rotting. A good friend of mine always tells me, “The truth will set you free.” We both understand that this means the truth towards ourselves. If we don’t recognize our feelings and who we are, and more importantly, accept ourselves, we cannot grow, achieve success or find happiness as we should. Often this involves struggle but that’s OK. Out of struggle comes growth and greater understanding.

If becoming an adult means that we learn to mask our feelings to the world and eventually to ourselves then I’m not for that. I, for one, am looking forward to watching “Where the Wild Things Are” with my daughter and I anticipate that I will become completely immersed!

Let Go of Your Past by Making It Count

marshajacobson — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:54:11 +0000

I felt honored to be interviewed by Anamarie Seidel, co-author with her husband Cory, of the upcoming book, “What You Don’t Fix … Your Kids Inherit.”

Thank you Anamarie for making me think! The premise of this book is as the title suggests: we need to commit to personal growth during our lifetime if we want to break the cycle of passing on to our children stuff that we don’t want them to receive. If we choose to leave ourselves alone, we perpetuate the habits, beliefs and attitudes that our past experiences have created. We become driven by unconscious forces. Regardless of the nature/nuture components of these forces, I believe we can change.

To make these changes we first have to focus on who we are. We cannot ignore our past because this gives it a power that it shouldn’t have. I’m a big fan of Grey’s Anatomy. It’s my “curl up in bed, late at night with a cup of coffee” pleasure! I was pleasantly surprised some months ago when a therapist gave advice to one of the characters suffering with post traumatic stress disorder. It went something like, “You cannot get to where you want to be unless you know where you are coming from.” In other words, our focus on our past is essential for understanding ourselves but what we do with that understanding is what will define us. We need to free ourselves of the past and its influence on our behavior by facing it.

An open mind is key. Without it, we will miss opportunities to grow. I would rather try something and find it absolutely useless than potentially miss out on a gem. Becoming a parent makes our need for personal growth a priority (not that we shouldn’t be doing it for ourselves alone). We need to be able to choose how to parent and the only way to do this is if we become conscious parents.

Humour and Emotional Intelligence

marshajacobson — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:54:13 +0000

What does it mean to have a sense of humour and where does this fit into emotional intelligence? Many successful people have a twinkle in their eyes. They often are able to laugh good-naturedly with others and will often laugh at themselves. However, humour is one of those characteristics that so easily can turn from “feel good” to “feel bad.”There is a fine line between good-natured teasing and putting someone down, and between funny clever remarks and sarcasm. A person with a high emotional intelligence has the ability to know the difference. For those of us working on raising our emotional intelligence, how do we develop an emotionally intelligent sense of humour?

Laughing and smiling are essential to a full life. We do both when we are happy. Laughing is often a great release of emotion and triggers a release of chemicals in our brains that make us happier. Smiling is an instinct in humans. It is seen in children as young as 4 weeks old. Smiling and laughing are often infectious and can easily spread to other people. Laughing together can often feel very connecting and connecting with others is at the core of all relationships.

Many wonderful childhood memories are those that have occurred with humour. When a family laughs in a spirit of togetherness, the value of that connection is enormous. Laughter is a strong emotion and when a strong positive emotion is connected to an event in childhood, it is remembered. Connecting in a family with humour increases our emotional intelligence.

Possessing a good sense of humour is a by-product of having high emotional intelligence. The greatest sense of humour comes from kindness, which is a characteristic present in people with high emotional intelligence. A person with good empathy will know when it is appropriate to laugh.

Another common place that humour can often occur is when something unexpected happens. A person’s ability to laugh in situations like this is often related to how that person generally deals with the unexpected and how quickly they can adapt to seeing a situation in a new way. Self-understanding and knowing how to deal with feelings, yours and others, produce this lack of rigidity. Learning how to do this with humour is yet another characteristic of high emotional intelligence.

Everything that we ever learn as humans, from riding a bike to knowing when to laugh, grows with practice. There is a necessary period of self-consciousness before it feels natural and automatic. People who live a life of spontaneous joy have learned to live that way. They have all “worked” in some way on developing high emotional intelligence.

Along with many other characteristics of high emotional intelligence, we can and should teach children to use humour appropriately.

Book Review: Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari

marshajacobson — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:55:31 +0000

There are so many wonderful things about Jennifer Kolari‘s book “Connected Parenting” that I hardly know where to begin.

Kolari understands that even when parents feel despair, overwhelmed, angry or feel guilty because they no longer like their child, that these feelings are just a mask for fear and confusion. Kolari never blames parents who have lost their way and find themselves in a vortex of negativity. She understands, as a parent herself, how easily this can happen. Kolari’s book is about repairing and strengthening bonds between parent and child and between all relationships. It is not about learning to love our child but learning how to love our child so that they feel lovable.

Of course, children and parents begin their journey in different places but all can benefit from learning the techniques outlined in “Connected Parenting.” Kolari provides a wealth of information for general parenting as well as specific direction for parents of children with special needs. Kolari states that the Connected Parenting method is based on, “therapy techniques, not parenting techniques.” It’s important to know this because many times following her techniques feels like the opposite of what should be happening. A general rule of thumb for Kolari is that the times when we feel least like following her techniques are exactly the times when we should.

“Mirroring” is at the crux of Kolari’s method and is like empathy but much, much more. To mirror our child is to empathize in a way that makes them feel that we are listening and have truly understood their experience. We reflect this back to them and use their reactions as a guide for when we have done it right. Children who feel heard and understood also feel validated, safe and lovable. These children will also be more able to understand themselves and will feel more in control of their behavior and feelings. They will also find it easier to understand and accept boundaries.

Kolari refers to a child as feeling “lovable” as opposed to “loved.” This really speaks to her understanding of parents who have arrived at her doorstep not because they no longer love their child but because the parent-child relationship has “frayed” and the experience of love is lost behind the cloud of anxiety, anger and despair. The Connected Parenting method helps us find that love again.

Kolari has some wonderful analogies throughout her book that really help parents understand what she is saying. She says that children need to feel connected to their parents to feel loved and safe so that they can explore their world in a healthy way. We must be careful, however, to not smother our child nor give them too much slack. She uses rock climbing to explain this concept. “When you rock climb, you often have a partner on the ground who is wearing a harness with a rope. … The rope literally connects the climber to his or her partner on the ground, who, in effect, gives him enough slack to move upward. And because the climber trusts the partner and feels the safety of the tension on the rope, he will have the confidence to reach farther and climb higher because he knows he can’t fall. The tension needs to be just right – too much and the climber can’t move, too little and he can’t feel the tension.”

Kolari exudes “realness” both as a person and as a parent. She shares many personal stories about her own imperfect parenting but strongly believes that, “In the game of life you always get a second chance.” She encourages parents to revisit situations that they may have handled incorrectly and rewrite them. She teaches parents that there is no room in the journey of parenting for defensiveness and power struggles. She shows us in clear and often touching ways that loving your child in ways that they feel lovable is empowering to both child and parent.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve the quality of the relationship with their child.

Connected Parenting is available for purchase at amazon.ca, amazon.com, and other retailers.