My son just turned 4 and we have recently discovered that he may be hard of hearing. There has been a lot of activity lately around him regarding this discovery.  He has always been a bit of a hot tempered boy but just this past week it has seemed to escalate to him getting in your face and growling, stomping feet and throwing things. Could this be due to all the “medical” issues going on around him lately? What is the best way to handle this? We do our best to talk calmly and take him to a quiet space to help him calm down but is this the best way?

- S.

It’s important to remember that many kids at the age of four behave exactly this way even without any other compounding issues. I am sure part of his frustration does have to do with the stress of being carted around to different appointments but part of your sons frustration may also come from the fact that like most four year old’s, he has many more words in his head than he can actually get out, especially if he has missed some information due to his hearing difficulties.

When he is frustrated it is even harder to find those words and express them. This is typical for children around three and four years old and means that it is much easier to grab, stomp or throw things than to say them.  This will most likely decrease as his hearing issues are addressed and his language develops.

In the meantime it is important to deal with these behaviors. Behaviors hang around if they are useful so somehow the yelling and throwing things is serving some purpose for him.  It may be that he’s upset so he wants you to be upset too.  It may be that at least some of the time it has paid off and he has ended up getting what he wanted. In order to stop certain behaviors you have to be neutral, calm and very consistent.

If you are using the naughty chair then after asking him to say things in a nice way and after you have shown him that you understand he is frustrated, tell him that if he continues to speak to you in that way he will have him sit on the chair for two or three minutes every time. Do this calmly and do it every time he speaks to you in this manner. Try not to shame him and you don’t have to lecture or have a big talk when going to the chair or when the sitting time is over, just go back to business as usual like it never happened.

The key is to repeat this over and over again as an interruption so he learns it actually is worth taking the time to think about his words. Balance this with lots of cuddles and kisses and you should see this behavior disappear in less than two weeks. Good luck.

Parenting is not a one way street. Two separate personalities interact to hopefully produce a loving parent-child relationship. Becoming a good parent is as much about us as it is about our kids. We have to understand our beliefs, emotions and our own “parented” experience. Not only that, we have to process all of this so that we parent consciously and not reactively.

Here’s an example: Tim is 15 years old. He has shut himself in his room, barely communicates and has even gone so far as to put a sign on his door which says, “Keep Out!” This can be hard to deal with especially for parents who believe that children should always listen or for parents who have problems with not being liked. This can feel impossible and they may react in anger, creating a power struggle which resolves very little.

Parents who take the time to recognize their feelings may be more able to react by saying to themselves, “This is a tough situation for me and it evokes all these feelings. This self-acknowledement creates consciousness and we are much more able to show empathy to our child. It may allow us to see that our teenager is seeking independence and separation.” Understanding allows for compassion and empathy which are two attributes important in parenting and never more so than in parenting teenagers!

Does this mean that before becoming a parent we should all go into therapy? (In truth, it probably wouldn’t hurt!) It does mean is that parents should think about parenting from a personal perspective. Become aware of the issues that you bring to the parent-child relationship. Sometimes knowing what your issues are allows you to react differently even if you have not resolved those issues. Taking responsibility for who you are adds a layer to parenting by increasing consciousness.

We are all human however, so be prepared for mistakes. We learn from our mistakes! And they’re not always set in stone. An apology goes a long way, both in correcting a parenting mistakes and in teaching our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes and to apologize.

Avoiding power struggles does not mean soft parenting. Children need to know that their parents are in charge and their protectors. Be in charge. Just don’t be there for the wrong reasons.