My son just turned 4 and we have recently discovered that he may be hard of hearing. There has been a lot of activity lately around him regarding this discovery.  He has always been a bit of a hot tempered boy but just this past week it has seemed to escalate to him getting in your face and growling, stomping feet and throwing things. Could this be due to all the “medical” issues going on around him lately? What is the best way to handle this? We do our best to talk calmly and take him to a quiet space to help him calm down but is this the best way?

- S.

It’s important to remember that many kids at the age of four behave exactly this way even without any other compounding issues. I am sure part of his frustration does have to do with the stress of being carted around to different appointments but part of your sons frustration may also come from the fact that like most four year old’s, he has many more words in his head than he can actually get out, especially if he has missed some information due to his hearing difficulties.

When he is frustrated it is even harder to find those words and express them. This is typical for children around three and four years old and means that it is much easier to grab, stomp or throw things than to say them.  This will most likely decrease as his hearing issues are addressed and his language develops.

In the meantime it is important to deal with these behaviors. Behaviors hang around if they are useful so somehow the yelling and throwing things is serving some purpose for him.  It may be that he’s upset so he wants you to be upset too.  It may be that at least some of the time it has paid off and he has ended up getting what he wanted. In order to stop certain behaviors you have to be neutral, calm and very consistent.

If you are using the naughty chair then after asking him to say things in a nice way and after you have shown him that you understand he is frustrated, tell him that if he continues to speak to you in that way he will have him sit on the chair for two or three minutes every time. Do this calmly and do it every time he speaks to you in this manner. Try not to shame him and you don’t have to lecture or have a big talk when going to the chair or when the sitting time is over, just go back to business as usual like it never happened.

The key is to repeat this over and over again as an interruption so he learns it actually is worth taking the time to think about his words. Balance this with lots of cuddles and kisses and you should see this behavior disappear in less than two weeks. Good luck.

Hi Jennifer,

I’m struggling to deal with a particular behaviour that my five and a half year old, Chandra, has been displaying.

For the last three months or so, when she gets upset about something, she says she doesn’t like herself and starts to smack her head. This is very upsetting to me and even moreso when her younger sister imitates her. The latest example occurred when her Daddy chose to floss her sister’s teeth before her own. This caused an eruption of anger which then led to the above described behaviour.

I’m not sure whether I should physically stop her from hitting herself (by gently guarding her head or lowering her hands) or ignore the behaviour. I have tried the first and she often does not like being touched. I have also said something like, “I see that you are angry. It upsets me when you hit yourself because I love you.” The behaviour persists.

Does she want me to pick her up and soothe her?

Anger is an accepted feeling in our household but I am trying to teach her that aggression is not acceptable. We’ve talked about activities that could help her calm down but in the moment she doesn’t want to do those, doesn’t want to be touched, doesn’t want to deep breath, walk in meditation or go to a quiet spot to calm down.

Is there something about her age that is triggering all of this?

Thanks,

Kim E.

In addition to what you are already doing, I would suggest adding some special time and some connecting or baby play, time every day for 20 minutes or so where you are cuddling her and pretending she is a baby or a much younger child. Children love this and it is very good for them for many reasons. It strengthens the bonds that her difficult behaviour can fray and it can soothe her with important reward chemicals that get released in the brain like oxytocin. It does not mean you have neglected to do this or that you are not bonded strongly to her—only that things can become strained by her negative behaviour, making her feel less loveable. Again, not that you don’t love her: it’s that she may feel a bit unlovable because of the choices she has been making. Strengthening the bond will help a great deal and should help her become more organised emotionally.

I would also recommend the CALM technique (mirroring) described in my book as a way to talk to her and relate to her; it will also help to build her resilience so that she is more able to control these big feelings that she has.  There are examples of mirroring on my website, ConnectedParenting.com, in a feature called Mirroring Mondays.

If these behaviours continue, don’t hesitate to talk to you daughter’s paediatrician or look for a parent coach or child therapist to help. It is very hard, as a parent, to watch your child struggle to find ways cope with their big feelings.

I wish you all the best.

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