http://www.mychildfeels.com/2010/06/the-me-in-parenting/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2010/06/the-me-in-parenting/#comments Tue, 29 Jun 2010 20:57:20 +0000 marshajacobson http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=675 I was undiagnosed, but in retrospect clearly diagnosable, with depression from age 12. For much of my youth I “other-reflected” rather than self-reflected. I made the worst attitudes of others my own. I would say that I hated the way others viewed my depression but I really just hated myself. Through necessity born from the passing of time, I came to acceptance. But it wasn’t until I had children and became aware of the “me” in that relationship that I grew to know myself better. From that knowledge, I learned to love myself.

Every parent has issues – so while I speak from mine, I think what I have learned can be generalized.

Spontaneity is a wonderful attribute in many aspects of life but not so much in parenting. Awareness, consciousness, thoughtfulness and openness are characteristics that I have come to value in the parenting process. Without these, we parent reactively rather than actively. What does this mean? As parents we are sometimes confused between the discrepancy between what we want and what is.

We feel that we have tried our best and in that moment, we truly have.  So what can we do to aim for better?  We need to focus less on our reactions to a particular situation and more on why we react in that way. We have to become self-psychologists. What thoughts and beliefs do we have? Where do they come from? Did our parents have them too? Are they serving us? If not, can we change them?

Here’s a simple example: I am watching my 3 year old daughter eat her dinner. It’s spaghetti and meat sauce. Within minutes, the sauce is more on her face than in her mouth. I reach for a napkin and wipe her face. She screams and pushes me away. I reprimand her and persevere amidst crying. I feel angry that she does not allow me to do what is necessary in this situation.

These are the questions I needed to ask myself, “What is my belief here? Why is it important that her face be clean? Where does this belief come from? Why am I angry?” I realize that I hear my mother’s voice telling me the importance of being clean and that my anger comes from my daughter’s lack of compliance, as well as my feelings of frustration and incompetence.

My belief here is that a good parent is one who can get their child to listen. Knowing these things allows me to choose. I may decide that a clean face is in fact unimportant and thus avoid this particular conflict. If I feel that I need that clean face, I may approach the solution a little differently without the power struggle born from my belief about parenting. For example, I could hand a napkin to my daughter and say, “Here’s a napkin, sweetheart. You can use it if you want to wipe your face.”

Knowledge of the self in parenting is power.

In my early days of parenting, I was a reactive parent. If my children showed any signs of anxiety or sadness, I would react with great personal anxiety believing that this was because of my concern for my child. This reaction did not serve my child or myself. Once I learned to look at what I brought to the parenting table, I was able to recognize that their anxiety was triggering my own fears. This understanding allowed me to remove a cloud from between myself and my child and see him more objectively.

To this day, if I feel that I am particularly anxious in a parenting moment, I will stop and ask myself, “What about this situation is making me feel this way?” This contemplation makes me look at myself and makes me a much more effective parent.

The parenting relationship is complex. Every parenting moment is a mesh of personalities and beliefs from both parent and child. Practicing conscious parenting allows us to take ownership of what belongs to us. This enables us to see our child with greater clarity and to parent with greater empathy.

---

Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com.]]> http://www.mychildfeels.com/2010/06/the-me-in-parenting/feed/ 0

In this wonderful blog post entitled “Permission to Feel,” Coach Nancy points out that parents sometimes curb positive emotions like excitement as well as the more painful ones. All humans have feelings, she says, and by not allowing them to be felt we become unable to process them in healthy ways.

Children who are comfortable with all their feelings understand themselves better and have higher emotional intelligence. Knowing where they come from gives children direction and the ability to plot a path towards where they want to be.

Coach Nancy discusses some of the factors that hinder a parent’s ability to focus on their child’s emotional development and suggests some areas for change.

A great article. Well worth reading!

For additional help, in my book “Connected Parenting” I discuss gifted children and how to use a technique called the CALM technique to help parents listen effectively, build resilience and protect and strengthen the parent/ child bond.

If she continues to have difficulty, talk to your paediatrician. She may benefit from a few sessions of Cognitive Behavioural therapy to help give her a sense of control over her emotions. Once she has some sense of control over her feelings the best side of her will emerge. She will be happier, more flexible and you will be able to enjoy your relationship with her so much more.

http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/10/where-the-wild-things-are/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/10/where-the-wild-things-are/#comments Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:17:00 +0000 marshajacobson http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=432

I can’t help but notice the hype around the movie, “Where the Wild Things Are“. My daughter is seeing it twice in the upcoming couple of weeks. Once with her school and then again at a friend’s birthday party. Why are children and adults drawn to this story?

I think the answer is that it speaks to the intuitive and often unconscious need in all of us to face our feelings, whether they make us feel good or bad. We understand somewhere inside that this is necessary for our emotional survival. When I read to children, especially  young children, I am always fascinated with how willing they are to speak about their feelings. They tell me about their nightmares and about the monsters that they believe are lurking in dark corners. Young children also find it so much easier than older kids or adults to say, “That hurt my feelings.” When, and more importantly, why do we lose this openness?

I’m not sure that I know the answer but I do know that we don’t have to lose it. I also know that growing up doesn’t have to mean that we hide our “unacceptable” feelings. As a person who suffers with anxiety and depression, I understand very well how tempting it is to hide feelings from others. I have learned, however, at the tender age of 52 that it doesn’t work. Unprocessed emotions have a way of rotting. A good friend of mine always tells me, “The truth will set you free.” We both understand that this means the truth towards ourselves. If we don’t recognize our feelings and who we are, and more importantly, accept ourselves, we cannot grow, achieve success or find happiness as we should. Often this involves struggle but that’s OK. Out of struggle comes growth and greater understanding.

If becoming an adult means that we learn to mask our feelings to the world and eventually to ourselves then I’m not for that. I, for one, am looking forward to watching “Where the Wild Things Are” with my daughter and I anticipate that I will become completely immersed!

---

Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com.]]> http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/10/where-the-wild-things-are/feed/ 1

Henig primarily focuses on Jerome Kagan‘s longitudinal study beginning in 1989, which looked at whether babies were easily upset or not when exposed to new things. They checked physiological factors like heart rate, blood pressure, irritability – behaviours linked to the functioning of the amygdala, “… the amygdala is hyperactive, prickly as a haywire motiona-detector light that turns on when nothing’s moving but the rain.” The study, looking at the two extremes of reactivity, found that most highly reactive babies evolved into young adults with anxiety whereas most very low reactive babies did not.

The huge spectrum in the middle was not so clear-cut. One of their concluding statements was, “The predictive power of an anxiety-prone temperament, such as it is, essentially works in just one direction: not by predicting what these children will become but by predicting what they will not. In the longitudinal studies of anxiety, all you can say with confidence is that the high-reactive infants will not grow up to be exuberant, outgoing, bubbly or bold.” Of course, the whole nature/nurture discussion emerged, which I personally find redundant.

It goes without saying that there is an interaction. However, that shouldn’t detract from what we can glean from studies such as these. With the incidence of anxiety illnesses, including panic, social anxiety, phobias, obsessive compulsive , post traumatic or generalized anxiety disorders, being the most common mental illness and accounting for 40 million sufferers in the United States, it is some comfort to know that at least, in part, it is inborn.

Genetic or not is less important a predicament than what we should do about it. Henig raises the question as to what parenting style suits a more anxious child. Now we’re getting somewhere! “Attempts to see what kind of parenting works best with an anxiety-prone temperament leave almost as many questions asked as answered. Which is better for a fearful, high-strung child — a parent who coddles the child and says everything will be all right, or a parent who sets firm, strict limits and has no tolerance for skittishness?” She then goes on to cite two studies that show both parenting styles to be of value, which then leads to the obvious conclusion that a marriage between the two is more likely the answer.

“Amie Ashley Hane a decade later, found something slightly different: that the best fit for high-strung babies were sensitive mothers, who met their fearful children on their own terms and interacted with them in a way that was accepting and supportive without being intrusive.” What we want children to be, regardless of how it happens, is to be able to independently wrestle with their demons and find ways to deal with them. One of Kagan’s subjects, a thirteen year old, who tested as a highly reactive infant, said “Inner struggles pulled at me for years until I was able to just let go and calm myself, … For example, when I first heard about the anthrax in Washington, I began to have an upset stomach. I realized it was simply because of my anxiety that I was feeling sick. As soon as I realized that, the stomachache went away. Because I now understand my predisposition toward anxiety, I can talk myself out of simple fears.”

Wow, I couldn’t have said it better myself!

There are so many wonderful things about Jennifer Kolari‘s book “Connected Parenting” that I hardly know where to begin.

Kolari understands that even when parents feel despair, overwhelmed, angry or feel guilty because they no longer like their child, that these feelings are just a mask for fear and confusion. Kolari never blames parents who have lost their way and find themselves in a vortex of negativity. She understands, as a parent herself, how easily this can happen. Kolari’s book is about repairing and strengthening bonds between parent and child and between all relationships.  It is not about learning to love our child but learning how to love our child so that they feel lovable.

Of course, children and parents begin their journey in different places but all can benefit from learning the techniques outlined in “Connected Parenting.” Kolari provides a wealth of information for general parenting as well as specific direction for parents of children with special needs. Kolari states that the Connected Parenting method is based on, “therapy techniques, not parenting techniques.” It’s important to know this because many times following her techniques feels like the opposite of what should be happening. A general rule of thumb for Kolari is that the times when we feel least like following her techniques are exactly the times when we should.

“Mirroring” is at the crux of Kolari’s method and is like empathy but much, much more. To mirror our child is to empathize in a way that makes them feel that we are listening and have truly understood their experience. We reflect this back to them and use their reactions as a guide for when we have done it right. Children who feel heard and understood also feel validated, safe and lovable. These children will also be more able to understand themselves and will feel more in control of their behavior and feelings. They will also find it easier to understand and accept boundaries.

Kolari refers to a child as feeling “lovable” as opposed to “loved.” This really speaks to her understanding of parents who have arrived at her doorstep not because they no longer love their child but because the parent-child relationship has “frayed” and the experience of love is lost behind the cloud of anxiety, anger and despair. The Connected Parenting method helps us find that love again.

Kolari has some wonderful analogies throughout her book that really help parents understand what she is saying. She says that children need to feel connected to their parents to feel loved and safe so that they can explore their world in a healthy way. We must be careful, however, to not smother our child nor give them too much slack. She uses rock climbing to explain this concept. “When you rock climb, you often have a partner on the ground who is wearing a harness with a rope. … The rope literally connects the climber to his or her partner on the ground, who, in effect, gives him enough slack to move upward. And because the climber trusts the partner and feels the safety of the tension on the rope, he will have the confidence to reach farther and climb higher because he knows he can’t fall. The tension needs to be just right – too much and the climber can’t move, too little and he can’t feel the tension.”

Kolari exudes “realness” both as a person and as a parent. She shares many personal stories about her own imperfect parenting but strongly believes that, “In the game of life you always get a second chance.” She encourages parents to revisit situations that they may have handled incorrectly and rewrite them. She teaches parents that there is no room in the journey of parenting for defensiveness and power struggles. She shows us in clear and often touching ways that loving your child in ways that they feel lovable is empowering to both child and parent.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve the quality of the relationship with their child.

Connected Parenting is available for purchase at amazon.ca, amazon.com, and other retailers.

.]]> http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/book-review-connected-parenting-by-jennifer-kolari/feed/ 1 http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/childrens-literature-and-emotional-intelligence/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/childrens-literature-and-emotional-intelligence/#comments Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:36:19 +0000 marshajacobson http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=267 Although concepts of emotional intelligence are evident in literature as far back as the early 1900’s,

While many books have been written about developing emotional intelligence in children, the materials for assessing and teaching emotional intelligence are largely aimed at adults. There is a shortage of hands-on material developed specifically for children, particularly ones that parents might use in the home. This is unfortunate and the time to act is now! The most efficient and potent time to teach emotional intelligence is during childhood. This can be achieved in schools as well as in the most important place of learning, the home.

What are the best tools for teaching emotional intelligence to our children? Obvious important tools are emotionally intelligent parents who make the decision to educate themselves using the literature existing in the marketplace today. There are also, very powerful tools that have been largely ignored as a means of developing emotional intelligence. These are children’s storybooks. With few exceptions, children love to read or be read to and any “teaching” using this medium will always be perceived positively.

Children learn best by example. Whether it’s observing the behaviour of their parents, influential adults or peers, they mimic behaviour. The old adage “do as I say and not as I do” doesn’t fly in this enlightened generation. Stories, if used correctly, can teach by example and can be an extremely potent way to direct children’s learning.

Choosing the correct books is of utmost importance. Books of great value to the development of positive emotional intelligence are those that demonstrate empathy, exploration of feelings (both positive and negative) and in particular stories that show by example a child evolving and growing with the help of a parent or significant caregiver. The connection between the child and caregiver is an extremely important one and using this relationship in stories can be a powerful teaching tool. Adults should be depicted as demonstrating appropriate empathy, accepting the child’s feelings without judgement and helping the child identify their different feelings. They may suggest solutions but only after the child feels completely heard and understood. Teaching a child is always more effective if done at this point.

Parents or adult readers should not be afraid to become active participants during story time. It is a perfect time to explore feelings with their child. Use the story as a platform for further exploration. Discussion at the end of the story can be invaluable. Questions like “What’s another word for that feeling?” or “Have you ever felt like that?” or “What would you do if you felt like that?” can accelerate the acquisition of emotional intelligence.

Sharing your own feelings is another way to get the child to open up. Do this with caution; however, making sure that you are not putting words in the child’s mouth. Just by letting them know that these are your feelings and that everyone has different feelings is often enough.

This is not to say that these kinds of books have to be dry and boring. Far from it! Exciting and interesting stories that capture the child’s imagination and attention will deliver their message with much more punch. Teaching children emotional intelligence can and should be a fun and positive experience.

Teach an adult emotional intelligence and change a life, teach our children and change our world.

It gives me great pleasure to welcome Dr. Michele Borba to mychildfeels.com.  I met Dr. Borba over Twitter (follow her @micheleborba) and she was kind enough to review “Boom… Boom… Boom…” last month.  Her new book entitled “The Big Book of Parenting Solutions” was released today. I thank her for being willing to guest blog on this site about the important issue of bullying. – Marsha

- – - -

We usually think of bullying as physical aggression such as punching, hitting, shoving, but it’s way beyond that. If your kid is being bullied or harassed that means his friend or peers are hurting him intentionally. As a result, your son or daughter feels powerless, helpless, humiliated, shamed, and hopeless about the whole situation.  A bully can “attack” her victim verbally (spreading rumors, saying prejudicial comments or cruel ‘put downs’), emotionally (excluding, humiliating, hazing); as well as sexually harassment. There is no excuse for this behavior, and each and every one of us need to be on the same page to stop it.

Here are a few solutions to help you handle these rougher waters of parenting.

Take your child seriously. Bullying is frightening and humiliating at any age, so listen to your child. Reassure your child that you believe him and will find a way to keep him safe.

Offer specific tips for a plan of action. Most kids can’t handle bullying on their own: they need your help, so provide it.

• Avoid the scene. “I will pick you up after swimming. Don’t take the bus.” “Where can you play instead of by the swings?” “How can you have your books with you so you don’t have to go to your locker?”  Bullying usually happens in unsupervised areas so tell your kid to be near others at lunch, recess, in hallways, near lockers, parks, or other areas.

• Find a supportive companion.  Tell your child there’s safety in numbers. “Stay with Kevin at recess.” “Sit with Josh on the bus. He’ll keep an eye out for you.” Kids who have even one friend to confide in can deal with bullying better than those on their own.

• Don’t retaliate except when unavoidable. “Don’t hit back—it will only increase the chance you’ll get hurt. Fight back only if there are no other options and you are hurt.”

• Make a strategic exit. “Sometimes the best thing to do is leave the scene.” “If you feel you could be hurt or need help, walk towards an adult, crowd or older kids.”

• Identify a trusting adult who can help your child when you’re not around. They must take this seriously, protect your kid, and, if necessary, keep this confidential.

Create a comeback. Bullies rarely just go away, so offer ways to handle a bully if he must face him (though it’s often best to avoid him altogether). Pleading (“Please stop that”) or feeling-laden messages such as “It really makes feel mad when you do that” rarely work. Bullies want to get their victim upset, and so such comments just means they won. A firm, direct statement such as “Cut it out” or “Leave me alone” are usually best. A big part of success is the ability to deliver it assertively.

Teach how to use assertive body language. Research finds that kids who learn how to be assertive and appear more confident are less likely to be targeted by bullies. In fact, studies show it’s usually not how “different” your child looks or acts, but rather her insecure posture that makes her an easy target. The real secret is to help your child learn to “look assertive” and that means you can’t appear to be a doormat (when everyone walks on you) or a steamroller (you push everyone to get what you want). You want to look somewhere in between: cool and confident. Here are the secrets to teach your child assertive body language.

• Learn to use a more confident posture. Stand tall, hold your head high, and put your shoulders slightly back so you look more confident and less afraid. Check yourself out in the mirror.

• Switch off your scared look. Turn the feelings off your face or pretend you’re wearing a special bully-proof vest that bounces taunts off you. Bullies love knowing they can push your buttons: so don’t let the kid think you’re upset.
• Look at the bully. Use a stone-faced glare or try a mean stare that looks straight through the bully. It makes you look more confident and controlled.

• Say no using a firm voice. If you need to respond, use a strong, firm voice and say a short, direct message: “No.” “Nope.” “Cut it out.” “Leave me alone.” “No way.” Do not cry, whine, or insult, and never threaten a bully. It only makes things worse.

• Leave. Hold your head high and walk towards other kids or an adult. Don’t look back. Get help if you need to. Fight only as a very last resort if you must defend yourself.

Boost self-confidence. Being bullied dramatically affects your child’s self-esteem, so find ways to boost her confidence. A few possibilities including learning martial arts, boxing, or weight-lifting. Find an avenue—such as a hobby, interest, sport, or talent–that your kid enjoys and can excel. Then help her develop the skill so her self-esteem grows. Or encourage your child to join safe kid activities at school or in the community so your child gains much-needed support group;

Step in when needed. If there’s ever the possibility your child could be injured–step in.

Tell those directly responsible for your child like his teacher, coach, day-care worker. If you do not get assurance, go up a level: call the principal, superintendent, school board or police. Bullying is serious and has serious consequences. Don’t give up!

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned educational consultant who has presented workshops to one million participants and award-winning author of over 23 books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a regular parent expert on TODAY and has appeared on The Early Show, The View, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, and CNN Headline News. For more about Dr. Borba’s work visit www.micheleborba.com

.]]> http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/guest-blog-how-to-bully-proof-your-child-by-dr-michele-borba/feed/ 5 http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/name-and-naim-your-child/ http://www.mychildfeels.com/2009/09/name-and-naim-your-child/#comments Thu, 03 Sep 2009 13:00:57 +0000 marshajacobson http://www.mychildfeels.com/?p=155

Parents will spend hours, days, and often months thinking of a name for their unborn child. It can be an agonizing and often unpleasant experience for many. The permanence of the decision feels overwhelming and we feel a weight of responsibility as we ponder the issues of name suitability. We often want uniqueness and conformity simultaneously in our desire to secure the “right” name for our child. We feel as though we are somehow securing their identity and ultimately who they will become.

The care we take in naming our child reflects the beginning of a deep concern for their well-being. We hope that they will develop all the positive qualities that will promote their ultimate success and happiness. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we, as parents, could be active participants in this process? We can. Once our children are named and have arrived, we can then begin the real process of NAIM-ing them.

NAIM is an acronym that will teach your child the abc’s of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence, also known as EQ, refers to our ability to understand our emotions and the emotions of others. Emotional intelligence is a human skill and like all skills must be taught. We would not expect our children to be able to read without first teaching them the rudiments of letters, so too we must do the same with emotional intelligence.

Name -  Emotional intelligence is about knowing who you are and what you are feeling, acting on this knowledge, and thus determining your success and happiness. Helping your child to name or identify their feelings is the first step to reaching this goal. We can do this in many different ways. The most powerful way is to use your child’s own emotions as they happen. Take your cues from their responses to a situation. You will generally know when you have hit on the right feeling because they will tell you in some way. Affirming their feelings provides them with a feeling of connection; that they’ve been understood. It often has a calming effect. There are other ways you can identify feelings even when you don’t have cues from your child. Using imaginative play with dolls, characters, and games is one; demonstrating emotions through children’s literature is another.

Accept – Once children have acknowledged and learnt how to identify feelings, you then have to teach them that it’s OK to have them. Parents generally have no problem doing this with positive emotions but often have to learn to do this with negative ones. Sadness, anger, frustration, and envy are some emotions that are part of the human experience and your children need to accept them as much as their happier feelings. They will accept them if you accept them. You can empathize and let them know that you have experienced similar feelings and that it’s a normal human experience.

Investigate – Next, you have to become an investigator. You now have to explore with your child why they are feeling in a particular way. This is an essential part of emotional intelligence. Children learn in this phase the interaction between the way they feel and their environment. They learn to understand what situations make them feel happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. Linking their feelings to environmental or situational cues in this way allows them to bring their experience to future situations and to transfer their learning. It brings understanding and increases their abilities to control their emotions and their environment.

Manage – This is the part of the teaching process that most parents understand. Within a family there are rules. Rules of acceptable behaviour and rules of what we say to each other. This is essential not only to families but to society as a whole. We know that people who have characteristics of kindness, empathy, confidence, and perseverance are more likely to succeed than people who are lacking in these traits. Children whose feelings have been heard and accepted are much more likely to be receptive to management. Consequences, suggestions, solutions, and direction are all better executed at this point. Being consistent and resolute is important during this stage. Children need and want boundaries. They need to understand what is acceptable and what is not. If you give your child mixed messages at this point, it can be detrimental to their development of positive emotional intelligence.

The order of this teaching is very important. Children will not listen effectively unless they are heard first. Try to avoid the word but. “I hear how you feel and understand and accept, BUT …,” tends to invalidate the hard work you put into the first two stages.

Remember that we as parents are also human with our own set of feelings. We all make mistakes! These can also be powerful tools for exploring and developing emotional intelligence.

---

Marsha Jacobson is author of "