Parenting is not a one way street. Two separate personalities interact to hopefully produce a loving parent-child relationship. Becoming a good parent is as much about us as it is about our kids. We have to understand our beliefs, emotions and our own “parented” experience. Not only that, we have to process all of this so that we parent consciously and not reactively.

Here’s an example: Tim is 15 years old. He has shut himself in his room, barely communicates and has even gone so far as to put a sign on his door which says, “Keep Out!” This can be hard to deal with especially for parents who believe that children should always listen or for parents who have problems with not being liked. This can feel impossible and they may react in anger, creating a power struggle which resolves very little.

Parents who take the time to recognize their feelings may be more able to react by saying to themselves, “This is a tough situation for me and it evokes all these feelings. This self-acknowledement creates consciousness and we are much more able to show empathy to our child. It may allow us to see that our teenager is seeking independence and separation.” Understanding allows for compassion and empathy which are two attributes important in parenting and never more so than in parenting teenagers!

Does this mean that before becoming a parent we should all go into therapy? (In truth, it probably wouldn’t hurt!) It does mean is that parents should think about parenting from a personal perspective. Become aware of the issues that you bring to the parent-child relationship. Sometimes knowing what your issues are allows you to react differently even if you have not resolved those issues. Taking responsibility for who you are adds a layer to parenting by increasing consciousness.

We are all human however, so be prepared for mistakes. We learn from our mistakes! And they’re not always set in stone. An apology goes a long way, both in correcting a parenting mistakes and in teaching our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes and to apologize.

Avoiding power struggles does not mean soft parenting. Children need to know that their parents are in charge and their protectors. Be in charge. Just don’t be there for the wrong reasons.

All of us have anxiety – it is an important emotion.

We need it to survive, stay safe and make good choices. Some of us are hardwired to be more anxious than others. As a therapist, I feel that more and more children are struggling with anxiety for many reasons and many parents struggle with how to help their kids cope. We want to make sure our children control their anxiety so it doesn’t control them. We don’t want their worries and fears to get in the way of enjoying and participating fully in their lives.

As parents it can be very difficult to help an anxious child. We often resort to reasoning with them and trying to use logic to talk them out of these irrational feelings. Unfortunately, this can just makes things worse. Once the brain is anxious for a certain amount of time it begins to organizes itself around that and remain in fight or flight mode for longer periods. An anxious brain does not always respond very well to rationale  and the child often becomes more invested in convincing you how scary a situation really is. Children can also widen their repertoire of things to be frightened of, leaving parents baffled and swinging between feeling empathy and frustration.

Children don’t always show the typical or obvious signs of anxiety that we might think of. Sometimes demanding behaviour, extreme bossiness, temper tantrums and sleep disturbances can all be symptoms of worry or anxiety.

Here’s what to do:

• Talk to Your Child’s Doctor. If you feel your child’s anxiety is regularly getting in the way of them enjoying their life, if they constantly have trouble sleeping or complain often of stomach aches, nausea or headaches, contact your child’s pediatrician.
• Fight or Flight Response. When a child is feeling anxious, their fight or flight instincts might kick in. This means their brain is not letting them think rationally, so when a parent tries to rationalize the situation, the child feels like they aren’t being listened to. Instead, ask lots of questions about how they are feeling, and put some urgency in your voice, without sounding anxious yourself. This will show you get that they are worried, and will help them get back to a place where they can hear the logical things you have to say.
• Give it a Name. Don’t talk about your child being afraid, because this makes it seem like something that they can’t fix. Give it a name, like the “worry bug.” For older kids or teens, just refer to it as the “worry that gets in the way.” Then you can work together to come up with ways to reduce it. This helps kids to control their emotions.
• Get Connected. Spend more cuddle time with young children and spend more alone time with teenagers. Children feel safe and more secure when they feel deeply loved.
• Set Limits.  Kids are exposed to a lot of adults themes – and they are not socially or emotionally prepared to deal with these. Set limits on behaviour and the things you kids are exposed to. When kids see that parents don’t have control, they get nervous about who will take care of them and this aggravates anxiety. Turn off scary news reports on TV or hide frightening headlines.
• Scaling. Get your kids to rate their anxiety and use deep breathing or positive imagery to bring the number down.
• Calm Yourself. Sometimes children come by their anxiety honestly. Use the same techniques to make sure you are calm. Kids often gauge their responses based on ours.

This trick began with a shopping expedition I had at Target.  They had the best selection of superhero hats and gloves that I had ever seen.  So, I went crazy and purchased too many and could not wait to give them to my two superhero grandchildren.

My boys were so excited when they saw their favorite superheroes in every conceivable hat, glove and color combination.  I knew I was the best Grandma ever… until the next day. My daughter called to inform me that her morning had been awful.  My beautiful boys had fought over their plethora of superhero accessories and it was ugly.

I was picking up the boys from preschool that day and I had to think fast.  So, I invented “Josh’s Grandmother”.  Coincidently, “Josh” also has a brother. He and his brother also happen to be very close in age to my boys. Once I buckled up the boys and I was on my way, I began my story.

“Do you remember Josh’s Grandmother? Josh is going to be 5 and he has a brother who is going to be 3.  I think they have knapsacks just like yours.”

My boys both told me that they were the same age. “Really?” I said.

“Well, you won’t believe what happened to them.  They were fighting over their superhero hats and gloves.  Josh’s Grandmother was so upset.  Do you know what she did?  She gave all their superhero hats and gloves to the poor children.  Unfortunately, now the boys just have brown hats and gloves with nothing on them.”

My older grandson looked shocked.  He confessed, “Grandma, we were fighting over our superhero hats and gloves this morning.”

“That is terrible,” I replied.

“Grandma, would you give our hats and gloves to the poor children?” said my younger grandson.

“Do you think I should?  I feel so bad when you fight,” I said sadly.

“We promise we will not fight. We will share!”  They both seemed to say that simultaneously.

“Well, that sounds great! But if you forget…”  I was interrupted by their words, “Grandma, we won’t forget!”

Josh’s Grandmother saved the day!

In another incidence, my older grandson finally graduated to a booster seat and was now able to retire his old car seat. In his eyes he was “big” and he had the 4o pounds to prove it.  I found the perfect blue sports theme booster seat for my car.  He loved it and once again I knew I was the best grandma in the entire world.

All was well until I put him in the car seat and he began squirming all over the place.

I knew he was experiencing his new found freedom but I have places to go and people to see.  He is not safe and I cannot drive while he is dancing in his booster seat.

So as not to pollute the moment, I said in my best Grandmother voice, “Sweetheart, please sit nicely.  I am afraid you will get hurt.”

My darling chose to ignore my words and the dancing continued. I then switched gears and reported that I had just gotten off the phone with Josh’s Grandmother and that she has a big problem.

I said, “Josh’s Grandmother has searched every store in Toronto for a booster seat for her grandson and she can only find the pink princess booster seats. Josh’s Grandmother knows that sometimes when boys sit in a new blue sports booster seat they can be silly and then they have to return to their old car seat.  So, she was wondering if I knew any boys that were unable to sit nicely in their new booster seats.  Josh’s Grandmother told me that I should mention her problem to all the Grandmothers.   Perhaps, one of the Grandmothers has a new blue sports booster seat that they are not using.”

Suddenly, the dancing stopped.  Ten minutes later… I complimented my darling on how nicely he was sitting in his new blue sports booster seat.

This Grandparent Feels that by sharing our “tricks” we can make the grandparenting ride a pleasant journey. What kinds of tricks have you used to help discipline your grandchildren?