mychildfeels.com » Personality

The Me In Parenting

marshajacobson — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 20:57:20 +0000

I was undiagnosed, but in retrospect clearly diagnosable, with depression from age 12. For much of my youth I “other-reflected” rather than self-reflected. I made the worst attitudes of others my own. I would say that I hated the way others viewed my depression but I really just hated myself. Through necessity born from the passing of time, I came to acceptance. But it wasn’t until I had children and became aware of the “me” in that relationship that I grew to know myself better. From that knowledge, I learned to love myself.

Every parent has issues – so while I speak from mine, I think what I have learned can be generalized.

Spontaneity is a wonderful attribute in many aspects of life but not so much in parenting. Awareness, consciousness, thoughtfulness and openness are characteristics that I have come to value in the parenting process. Without these, we parent reactively rather than actively. What does this mean? As parents we are sometimes confused between the discrepancy between what we want and what is.

We feel that we have tried our best and in that moment, we truly have. So what can we do to aim for better? We need to focus less on our reactions to a particular situation and more on why we react in that way. We have to become self-psychologists. What thoughts and beliefs do we have? Where do they come from? Did our parents have them too? Are they serving us? If not, can we change them?

Here’s a simple example: I am watching my 3 year old daughter eat her dinner. It’s spaghetti and meat sauce. Within minutes, the sauce is more on her face than in her mouth. I reach for a napkin and wipe her face. She screams and pushes me away. I reprimand her and persevere amidst crying. I feel angry that she does not allow me to do what is necessary in this situation.

These are the questions I needed to ask myself, “What is my belief here? Why is it important that her face be clean? Where does this belief come from? Why am I angry?” I realize that I hear my mother’s voice telling me the importance of being clean and that my anger comes from my daughter’s lack of compliance, as well as my feelings of frustration and incompetence.

My belief here is that a good parent is one who can get their child to listen. Knowing these things allows me to choose. I may decide that a clean face is in fact unimportant and thus avoid this particular conflict. If I feel that I need that clean face, I may approach the solution a little differently without the power struggle born from my belief about parenting. For example, I could hand a napkin to my daughter and say, “Here’s a napkin, sweetheart. You can use it if you want to wipe your face.”

Knowledge of the self in parenting is power.

In my early days of parenting, I was a reactive parent. If my children showed any signs of anxiety or sadness, I would react with great personal anxiety believing that this was because of my concern for my child. This reaction did not serve my child or myself. Once I learned to look at what I brought to the parenting table, I was able to recognize that their anxiety was triggering my own fears. This understanding allowed me to remove a cloud from between myself and my child and see him more objectively.

To this day, if I feel that I am particularly anxious in a parenting moment, I will stop and ask myself, “What about this situation is making me feel this way?” This contemplation makes me look at myself and makes me a much more effective parent.

The parenting relationship is complex. Every parenting moment is a mesh of personalities and beliefs from both parent and child. Practicing conscious parenting allows us to take ownership of what belongs to us. This enables us to see our child with greater clarity and to parent with greater empathy.

Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com .

No Place For Power Struggles In Parenting

marshajacobson — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 18:56:59 +0000

We’ve all been there and often don’t know how we arrived. But one thing is certain, no parent enjoys being in a power struggle with their child. What brings us to this point?

Parenting is not a one way street. Two separate personalities interact to hopefully produce a loving parent-child relationship. Becoming a good parent is as much about us as it is about our kids. We have to understand our beliefs, emotions and our own “parented” experience. Not only that, we have to process all of this so that we parent consciously and not reactively.

Here’s an example: Tim is 15 years old. He has shut himself in his room, barely communicates and has even gone so far as to put a sign on his door which says, “Keep Out!” This can be hard to deal with especially for parents who believe that children should always listen or for parents who have problems with not being liked. This can feel impossible and they may react in anger, creating a power struggle which resolves very little.

Parents who take the time to recognize their feelings may be more able to react by saying to themselves, “This is a tough situation for me and it evokes all these feelings. This self-acknowledement creates consciousness and we are much more able to show empathy to our child. It may allow us to see that our teenager is seeking independence and separation.” Understanding allows for compassion and empathy which are two attributes important in parenting and never more so than in parenting teenagers!

Does this mean that before becoming a parent we should all go into therapy? (In truth, it probably wouldn’t hurt!) It does mean is that parents should think about parenting from a personal perspective. Become aware of the issues that you bring to the parent-child relationship. Sometimes knowing what your issues are allows you to react differently even if you have not resolved those issues. Taking responsibility for who you are adds a layer to parenting by increasing consciousness.

We are all human however, so be prepared for mistakes. We learn from our mistakes! And they’re not always set in stone. An apology goes a long way, both in correcting a parenting mistakes and in teaching our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes and to apologize.

Avoiding power struggles does not mean soft parenting. Children need to know that their parents are in charge and their protectors. Be in charge. Just don’t be there for the wrong reasons.

What Ellen DeGeneres Knows For Sure

marshajacobson — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:50:35 +0000

I have always loved this entertainer and this tête-à-tête with Oprah doesn’t change my view.

In “What Ellen DeGeneres Knows for Sure (She Thinks)” Oprah in O Magazine gives us a glimpse of the person behind the comedian. She makes us laugh for sure but her last comment left me saying, “Wow, that’s exactly right.”

Ellen says, “It’s our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that’s what I know for sure…I think.”

Respect and Boundaries

marshajacobson — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:08:57 +0000

Understanding respect and boundaries is crucial to parenting. What does this mean? When I was growing up, respect meant one thing only – how we spoke to and behaved towards our elders. Today, I have a very different understanding of these words.

I use the two together because they are bound. Respecting others necessitates understanding of their boundaries. As parents, in our efforts to raise our children, it sometimes feels easier to be prescriptive rather than fine-tuning our approach to their individual needs. Who has the time?! While the time often seems impossible to find, I believe that the short-term effort would mean very long-term gains.

Every child, like every adult, has a different set of boundaries. Even from very young ages, some may enjoy lots of cuddling while others can barely sit on our laps for more than a few seconds. Some kids naturally communicate about everything while others show more reticence. When we understand and respect the individual personalities and boundaries of our children, we are essentially telling them that we accept who they are.

Only from a position of acceptance can children truly grow. Children who are told to be something that they don’t feel at that moment is possible for them, become defensive and cling to the selves that they fear they are in danger of losing. Secure kids are kids who will extend themselves and take risks regardless of their starting position.

How do we as parents change the way we act and more importantly, feel? I think if parents accept that by respecting the boundaries of our children, we will raise them to be the best that they can be, change will feel easier. This becomes more challenging as our children grow older but the truth is that the more challenging it feels, the more important it will be!

I believe that prescriptive parenting serves us and not our kids. We often have to stand by and watch our child “fail” at something because we believe that there is a lesson that they need to learn. For this reason, I like to think of “failure” as showing our children enough respect that we have faith in their ultimate choices.

Believe me, as a mother of four I understand how difficult this is and sometimes not possible at all! No one said parenting was easy. Often it feels very counter-intuitive as we consciously put our protective selves aside, knowing that this will be the best for our children. I am a parent and I struggle with this daily.

Sharing our experiences as parents, our triumphs and our setbacks can be so helpful. I would love to hear what you think about this.