mychildfeels.com » Perspective

The Me In Parenting

marshajacobson — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 20:57:20 +0000

I was undiagnosed, but in retrospect clearly diagnosable, with depression from age 12. For much of my youth I “other-reflected” rather than self-reflected. I made the worst attitudes of others my own. I would say that I hated the way others viewed my depression but I really just hated myself. Through necessity born from the passing of time, I came to acceptance. But it wasn’t until I had children and became aware of the “me” in that relationship that I grew to know myself better. From that knowledge, I learned to love myself.

Every parent has issues – so while I speak from mine, I think what I have learned can be generalized.

Spontaneity is a wonderful attribute in many aspects of life but not so much in parenting. Awareness, consciousness, thoughtfulness and openness are characteristics that I have come to value in the parenting process. Without these, we parent reactively rather than actively. What does this mean? As parents we are sometimes confused between the discrepancy between what we want and what is.

We feel that we have tried our best and in that moment, we truly have. So what can we do to aim for better? We need to focus less on our reactions to a particular situation and more on why we react in that way. We have to become self-psychologists. What thoughts and beliefs do we have? Where do they come from? Did our parents have them too? Are they serving us? If not, can we change them?

Here’s a simple example: I am watching my 3 year old daughter eat her dinner. It’s spaghetti and meat sauce. Within minutes, the sauce is more on her face than in her mouth. I reach for a napkin and wipe her face. She screams and pushes me away. I reprimand her and persevere amidst crying. I feel angry that she does not allow me to do what is necessary in this situation.

These are the questions I needed to ask myself, “What is my belief here? Why is it important that her face be clean? Where does this belief come from? Why am I angry?” I realize that I hear my mother’s voice telling me the importance of being clean and that my anger comes from my daughter’s lack of compliance, as well as my feelings of frustration and incompetence.

My belief here is that a good parent is one who can get their child to listen. Knowing these things allows me to choose. I may decide that a clean face is in fact unimportant and thus avoid this particular conflict. If I feel that I need that clean face, I may approach the solution a little differently without the power struggle born from my belief about parenting. For example, I could hand a napkin to my daughter and say, “Here’s a napkin, sweetheart. You can use it if you want to wipe your face.”

Knowledge of the self in parenting is power.

In my early days of parenting, I was a reactive parent. If my children showed any signs of anxiety or sadness, I would react with great personal anxiety believing that this was because of my concern for my child. This reaction did not serve my child or myself. Once I learned to look at what I brought to the parenting table, I was able to recognize that their anxiety was triggering my own fears. This understanding allowed me to remove a cloud from between myself and my child and see him more objectively.

To this day, if I feel that I am particularly anxious in a parenting moment, I will stop and ask myself, “What about this situation is making me feel this way?” This contemplation makes me look at myself and makes me a much more effective parent.

The parenting relationship is complex. Every parenting moment is a mesh of personalities and beliefs from both parent and child. Practicing conscious parenting allows us to take ownership of what belongs to us. This enables us to see our child with greater clarity and to parent with greater empathy.

Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com .

Joe Rich’s “Parenting: The Long Journey”

marshajacobson — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 01:33:53 +0000

My oldest son is recovering from back surgery. My daughter is anxious about not meeting up with us in heaven after we die. My youngest son is awaiting anxiously to hear about his medical school applications and my middle son is stressing about the amount of school work on his plate. I admit that enmeshing myself in my children’s emotions is a huge problem of mine.

I did myself a great favour by reading Joe Rich’s book: Parenting: The Long Journey. It went a “long” way in helping me put my parental anxiety in perspective. With the abundance of parenting books out there I pick and choose what I read carefully. My selection criterion is simple. To the best of my knowledge does this author walk their talk? An author’s truth to self means everything. Having known Joe for some 20 years, I have the advantage of a little inside information. I have seen his parenting first hand and listened to him speak on numerous occasions. As a regular on CTV’s Cityline, many have had the privilege of hearing him. He’s warm, funny, caring and a great parent, the perfect person in my opinion to write a parenting book.

If I was forced to summarize Joe Rich’s book in one sentence, it would be this: It is a book about perspectives. Regardless of your personal parenting beliefs or styles, this book will feel illuminating. Joe shows us how to focus on what we are doing right, not wrong. I don’t think I’m alone in being guilty of doing the exact opposite! He sees parents as experts and places the power to successful parenting in the hands of parents. The gem of Joe’s book is in providing us with wonderful examples of how to parent our children with love, firmness and respect. He tells us to aim for “better” and not “perfect.” I love that. Aiming for perfect has always got me into trouble and now I know why!

The greatest mind-altering moment for me in this book was Joe’s discussion about thinking “long.” Knowing what you bring from the past to your present approach to parenting is not only useful but can really take your parenting to a new level. Sometimes when we are stuck, this is exactly what we need to do. Looking “long” into the future has really helped me find balance. I realized for the first time how totally involved I become in every anxious moment of parenting. With four children, these moments quickly add up to constant time. Looking ahead and realizing that this too shall pass, allows me to see the woods and to take some real breaths. Thank you Joe!

Every great parenting book needs to include practical suggestions and this book does not disappoint. From putting a jacket on a toddler, to yelling, financial planning, computer issues and even keeping romance alive, Joe discusses issues that are relevant to parents. If you want to grow as a person and a parent, read this book!

Too Much Parenting Advice?

marshajacobson — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:00:43 +0000

Mackenzie Carpenter of the Washington Post writes a thought provoking article entitled, “Clashing Data Bombards New Parents As Old-School Ideas Fall By The Wayside.”

Giving readers food for thought, Carpenter talks about parents over-reliance on parent advice. She cleverly points out how advice and parenting gurus change from generation to generation, leading us to wonder at the validity of any of it.

While I could be buying into yet another trend, I do feel that raising your children to be emotionally intelligent by using principles of emotional coaching, empathy and mirroring really makes sense. This approach individualizes parenting and puts the power back where it belongs – the parent-child relationship.

In my opinion, no one parenting book or one parenting guru can be useful unless it recognizes this individualistic approach. When we, as parents, feel in charge of our parenting it does much to reduce the anxiety of feeling like we are always falling short. Reading many conflicting books on parenting will raise this anxiety, sometimes to a feverish pitch.

I’m not suggesting that we should feel like we are always right! Parenting is a dynamic relationship in which we learn. We have to make mistakes because we are human. Let’s learn from these.

A Wonderful Letter to Grade 5 Students

marshajacobson — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 14:00:15 +0000

My daughter Gabi has been at school for 5 months now. I finally got around to asking her homeroom teacher whether I could share a wonderful introductory letter she gave students on the first day of class. This is truly a letter worth sharing.

It is thoughtful on so many levels. It’s relevant to the children, speaking about TV shows and games that they were all familiar with. It immediately sets the tone of humanness, speaking of a range of feelings. It demonstrates, by example, exactly what will be expected from the children.

In my experience, teachers often will “talk the talk” but somehow lose the connection between what they preach and how they act. My daughter is happy in this class. She feels heard, comfortable and motivated. This is thanks to a teacher who understands children and lets them know! This letter defines emotional intelligence. Enjoy!

Dear Grade Five Students,

Welcome to grade 5! If you are a little bit nervous about starting a new class, I know how you feel! I am a little bit nervous too.

When I want to have fun I hang out with my husband, my friends and my daughters. We love to watch “So You Think You Can Dance,” play games like Guitar Hero and Rock Band or bike ride. I am looking forward to the new Beatle Rock Band! In the summer I love camping in Algonquin Park, travelling to Pittsburgh to watch my daughter play soccer and going to art shows.

If you saw me in elementary school, you might think I was a snob. I used to be very, very shy and I would not talk to people until I got to know them. Then, watch out! Once I got to know you, I would talk your ear off! I was always the smallest one in the class but I loved sports and was faster and stronger than anyone.

I think school should be a place where everyone feels safe and able to learn. School should be a place where students and teachers learn from each other. This year I hope to learn as much from all of you as you learn from me.

I feel proud when I know I have done my very best work and when I do something to help another person. I really get angry when people are cruel or unkind to others. I think our four class agreements are very important and will help create a ‘safe’ learning environment for all of us this year.

I am looking forward to hearing about each of you! Please write me back.

Sincerely,

Mrs. S

Great… Grandparenting

rickieglickman — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 17:23:53 +0000

I would like to dedicate this article to my 89 year old, medicine free Mom. Her zest for life is greater than the combined totals of all the ‘bail-outs’. Mom, this one is for you!

This grandparent feels that what one can learn from a great grandparent is priceless.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you my Mom, Ruth. She is a real character who believes in being thankful for each and every day while embracing risk taking and experiencing life to its fullest. Since she lives in Chicago, the phone is our most often means of communication.

When I receive a phone call from her that begins with, “Guess what?” I immediately freeze.

I quickly sit down, grab a coffee, diet coke and at the same time, a piece of chocolate. Regarding her “Guess what’s?” she is always interested in my concerns and will complement me on my wise opinions and then will proceed to do exactly as she pleases.

Over the years, these are some of the “Guess what’s?” I’ve heard my mom say:

When she was 70 years old, “I am going to become a model. Soon, I will be going for my head shots. I called an agency and they think I can be in the Cubs calendar. They also feel I can be in magazines.”
At 73 years old, “I was passing the corner restaurant this morning on my walk and I noticed a sign on the window. They will be filming a commercial later in the day and everyone is welcome to participate. So, I spruced myself up and returned and I just know I will be in the commercial. I had to eat their new fried chicken wings and then they filmed my reaction. I told them, quite excitedly, they were to die for! I then came home, and threw up. I thought I was going to die!”
At 75, “I just signed up for tap – dancing, my first recital is in the spring. Will you come?”
At 79, “I just got off the phone with a lady in Sarasota and we are like sisters. I phoned her because she had an ad in the Chicago Tribune and is looking for a room mate for January and February. I know I have never been to Sarasota, but it has to be better then the cold. I need to take a risk and I think this will be a great adventure.”
At 80, “I met a man. His name is Sandor, he sings in the choir, and he drove me home from services last night. I ran out of the car, because I was not sure I wanted him to know exactly where I live. He is 88, and a real ladies man. I am so excited because he is also a straight man. Rickie, a straight man does not need a cane.”

I will close with a recent conversation I had with my Mom about her latest doctor appointment.

Mom’s doctor is a specialist in gerontology and an absolute angel. Her doctor never fails to return her phone calls with kindness and the utmost concern wherever her travels take her.

My Mom has decided that a visit to her doctor is not really necessary since he is so busy with sick people and she is healthy. So, needless to say to get her to make a doctor’s appointment can be challenging.

A few weeks ago, after her doctor’s appointment, she phoned to report that she chatted with her doctor for an hour. He thinks she is doing great and she should do whatever she pleases. According to my Mom, he is most interested in her latest home remedy… pure cherry juice. Her doctor is going to check into it and then recommend it to his patients.

They both decided that Mom is growing up!

So, I have decided to grow up (a little everyday) rather than grow old. What do you think?

P.S. I just got off the phone with my Mom and she was so excited because she was finally able to access a computer and read my articles on mychildfeels.com. She said, “Rickie, I read your blobs and I think you are great!”

Rickie Glickman is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com. With her degree in education and years of teaching experience, Rickie examines parenting issues through the eyes of a grandparent.

What Ellen DeGeneres Knows For Sure

marshajacobson — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:50:35 +0000

I have always loved this entertainer and this tête-à-tête with Oprah doesn’t change my view.

In “What Ellen DeGeneres Knows for Sure (She Thinks)” Oprah in O Magazine gives us a glimpse of the person behind the comedian. She makes us laugh for sure but her last comment left me saying, “Wow, that’s exactly right.”

Ellen says, “It’s our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that’s what I know for sure…I think.”

Parenting Teenagers

marshajacobson — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:43:05 +0000

I know some parents who intimidated me as a young mother. They seemed to get everything just right. Their children were always immaculate, clean and well-behaved. They slept when they were supposed to and ate what was good for them. These same parents found the time to teach their barely toddlers to recognize their abc’s and still find space in a day to work out!

I crawled through those early years, happy to make it to the end of each day without a major calamity or concern.

I noticed however, with great interest, that these same parents seemed a bit thrown when their children reached eight or nine. Those fun years when kids realize for the first time that you, their wonderful parents, don’t know absolutely everything there is to know on this earth. They learn that their mouths move and they’re not afraid to use them. These parents now go into full gear and ground their kids at the drop of a hat and manage, through these and other punitive techniques, to keep their children, yet again, on the straight and narrow for another few years.

Then, TEENAGERS! I’ve come to realize that these years define parents way more than they define children. Parents of teenagers who’ve never doubted their parenting skills could run into serious trouble here. Children of this age want to explore their own wants and desires. They want to experiment with limits and they definitely don’t want you telling them what to do. Parents of teenagers have to become expert diplomats. They have to learn to parent with backbone and understanding in the same sitting.

Parents with control issues do not do well parenting this age group. They take rebellion and withdrawal as a personal attack and lose sight of the true role of parent. They are so hung up on getting their children to listen that they forget to look for emotional and social cues. I’m not saying that parenting teenagers is easy. It’s not. But it doesn’t have to spiral into an endless existence of negativity.

This is the greatest period of adjustment for parents. It is almost, symbolically speaking, the real cutting of the cord. Parents unable to do this will start to do one of two things. They will start to blame their child (for somehow being innately bad) or they will start to blame others – wrong friends, wrong school, wrong area etc. Sadly, many “perfect” parents do not look at themselves.

How This Grandparent Feels

rickieglickman — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:52:32 +0000

One morning, I was sitting enjoying my cup of coffee when the phone rang.

“Hi Rickie, it’s Marsha Jacobson. I was wondering if you would join mychildfeels.com as a contributor. We are looking for a perspective from a grandparent and I know you would be great. I still remember advice you gave me years ago.”

“Yes,” I replied. “I would love to share my thoughts, but what is blogging? And why can’t we just sit and have a cup of coffee and chat?”

After Marsha explained it all to me, I now understand what blogging is and feel excited at the prospect of sharing my ideas. They have been seasoned along the way by a 38 year old marriage to my childhood sweetheart, being a mother of my two (now) adult children and their mates and a grandmother to my boys.

My job as a preschool principal for 25 years has fine tuned my perspective and allowed me to see the world through thousands of eyes. My parents, siblings and their family’s life experiences have provided me with the platform to work towards my doctorate in life.

So, get a large lasagna dish, fill it with eggs and then gently, very gently walk on the eggs… but don’t break them. Welcome to the world of grand parenting.

I love being a grandmother. But, in order to ride this trolley, there are rules that must be followed. Three great rules I try to work by are: Stop, Look and Listen.

Stop: Give no advice.
Look: Observe your grandkids being parented by their parents.
Listen: Support the parents. As grandparents, we are cheerleaders not consultants.

As a grandparent, my goal is to sit on the sidelines and enjoy a new team playing a familiar game with updated equipment and new and improved rules. This team has to find their own way and develop strategies that will result in winning outcomes. Insisting on my game plan could sabotage their future successes and interferes with the team building process, necessary for any championship team.

We know it “takes a village to raise a child,” but it takes the wisdom of the world to be a grandparent.

I look forward to reading your ideas, comments or questions.

Rickie Glickman is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com. With her degree in education and years of teaching experience, Rickie examines parenting issues through the eyes of a grandparent.

Does High Emotional Intelligence Predict Success?

marshajacobson — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 14:28:07 +0000

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a person’s ability to identify, organize and act on their feelings and the feelings of others in a healthy and productive way. Does increasing an individual’s emotional intelligence correlate to a higher probability of long-term personal success and happiness? There are countless examples from recent times that show the correlation to be true.

Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence” (1995) introduced the idea of emotional intelligence to professionals and laymen. It boldly claimed that in predicting personal success, EQ could be “as powerful, and at times more powerful, than IQ.” (p. 34). Much of this claim was based on previous extensive research on IQ, which found that the predictive nature of IQ on job performance and personal success was seriously falling short.

The correlations were only between 10% and 25%. John Snarey and George Vaillant conducted a longitudinal study in 1985 involving 450 boys and found that IQ had little relation to workplace and personal success. Rather, what was found to be more important in determining their success was their ability to handle frustration, control emotions, and get along with others. While they did not call these traits emotional intelligence, they are some of the central elements to the emotional intelligence construct.

John Gottman, a forerunner in the area of emotional intelligence in children, claimed, “In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.”

Beyond just academia and formally defining the concept of “emotional intelligence,” the core elements of the construct have emerged in other areas too. A great example of this from popular culture is The Secret, a book and movie by Rhonda Byrne. It believes in the inner emotional power of people. It took the English-speaking world by storm and has already been translated into 10 other languages. More than anything, this demonstrates the world’s readiness to focus on their emotions. The adult population, already saturated by self-help books, was primed and ready to accept these ideas.

It is no surprise now that workforce personnel have enthusiastically supported the investigation and understanding of EQ. Companies are including EQ assessments and training into work regimes. The increasing competitiveness in the workforce has forced those who want to get ahead to actively look for new plausible ideas and run with them. Their approach has been, “This seems to be something that may affect productivity. Lets try it.”

In the area of children and education, scepticism has been more predominant. School boards have focussed on the research showing lack of proof between emotional intelligence and success in later life. Lynn Waterhouse sums up this point of view in her article for Educational Psychologist in 2006. According to her, there exist too many conflicting constructs of EQ to make research possible and the research that has been done is too inconclusive. Many supporters are frustrated at the lack of action taken by schools because they feel that the best time to teach EQ is in childhood.

Perhaps our entire approach to emotional intelligence is wrong. We are trying to place the idea of EQ purely in the scientific world and assessing efficacy and predictability only according to the rules of science. Quantitative research is valuable whenever possible but certainly has limitations when focusing on a construct as qualitative as emotional intelligence. Is there not sufficient evidence that suggests the importance of EQ? Is there not overwhelming evidence that suggests that the lack of EQ creates many of the problems in our lives today? Perhaps we should be focussing on what isn’t working in our human experience rather than resisting the implementation of EQ into our schools.

With the rise in school violence, bullying, terrorism, suicide, job dissatisfaction and loneliness, can we afford to not teach EQ to our children? What can we possibly have to lose by teaching our children to be emotionally intelligent? What’s the worst that can happen? We will produce a generation of people more in touch with their feelings and with the feelings of others? We will produce a generation of people who are taught to be more empathic, tolerant and respectful to themselves and others?

There may be some among us who might like to live in a world like that.

If Only I Would Have…

jonathandanson — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 13:00:40 +0000

Several years ago, I got into a car accident and totalled my car (ok, my mother’s car). Thankfully, no one was hurt and the only injury I sustained was to my bank account, which was hit with a hefty fine for “following too close”. The other driver was forgiving, my parents showed concern only for my safety, and the police officer was friendly enough to hint at the tenuous nature of the charge. As far as car accidents go, it was fairly mundane. In fact, the only person that gave me a hard time was myself.

In the following days, I spent hours mulling over all the things that I could have done differently to avoid the accident. I could have paid more attention to the road instead of the linguistics paper that was due the next day. I could have driven more slowly, used my mirrors more often, or changed lanes earlier. Even something as seemingly trivial as leaving the house a minute later would have almost certainly lead to a smooth ride. If only I would have grabbed a snack before leaving, or answered the phone, or had trouble finding a shoe. Maybe if I spent an extra second searching for a good song on the radio, or putting on my seatbelt, or backing out of the driveway all of it could have been avoided. Thinking about these endless scenarios in which everything would have been different caused me to feel anxious, frustrated and guilty.

Finally, amid my endless “if only” fantasies, I had an appeasing thought: if I mourn for and blame myself over all the things I could have done to avoid negative situations, then it is only rational that I should also be grateful for and laud myself for all the things I did do in positive situations. What about all the times I hit the breaks in time to avoid a reckless driver? What about all the times where leaving the house a minute later would have put me in a situation where an even worse car accident was unavoidable? I quickly realized that the amount and quality of my negative “if only” thoughts paled in comparison to the infinite positive ones that I rarely explicitly recognized.

It became a game. What if my parents enrolled me in a different high school (where I would have made different friends)? What if I didn’t let my friends convince me to go out the night I met my girlfriend? What if I stuck with my English major instead of switching to psychology? What would have happened if, before all those instances where I found myself “in the right place at the right time”, I grabbed a snack before leaving, or answered the phone, or had trouble finding a shoe? It soon became clear to me that, even if I was going to build true emotion upon an imagined foundation, I would have to give equal time to both my shortcomings and my virtues. This is a principle that I often turn to in my life, and one that I believe can be extremely helpful in building optimism, self-confidence and resilience.

As an ardent candy addict, I offer a metaphor: If you are going to blame your right hand for dropping a single candy on its way to your mouth, then you also must commend your left hand for gripping the bag tightly enough to retain the many others.

Jonathan is a Masters student at the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education of the University of Toronto (OISE/UT). His current research focuses on interpersonal variables that affect emotional experience, expression and growth in survivors of trauma.