mychildfeels.com » Problem Solving

Disciplining Your Grandchildren Can Be “Tricky”

rickieglickman — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:39:33 +0000

How in the world does a grandparent discipline their young, adorable and brilliant grandchildren? This grandparent feels it is important to have a trick up your sleeve. In this blog, I will share one of my favorites.

This trick began with a shopping expedition I had at Target. They had the best selection of superhero hats and gloves that I had ever seen. So, I went crazy and purchased too many and could not wait to give them to my two superhero grandchildren.

My boys were so excited when they saw their favorite superheroes in every conceivable hat, glove and color combination. I knew I was the best Grandma ever… until the next day. My daughter called to inform me that her morning had been awful. My beautiful boys had fought over their plethora of superhero accessories and it was ugly.

I was picking up the boys from preschool that day and I had to think fast. So, I invented “Josh’s Grandmother”. Coincidently, “Josh” also has a brother. He and his brother also happen to be very close in age to my boys. Once I buckled up the boys and I was on my way, I began my story.

“Do you remember Josh’s Grandmother? Josh is going to be 5 and he has a brother who is going to be 3. I think they have knapsacks just like yours.”

My boys both told me that they were the same age. “Really?” I said.

“Well, you won’t believe what happened to them. They were fighting over their superhero hats and gloves. Josh’s Grandmother was so upset. Do you know what she did? She gave all their superhero hats and gloves to the poor children. Unfortunately, now the boys just have brown hats and gloves with nothing on them.”

My older grandson looked shocked. He confessed, “Grandma, we were fighting over our superhero hats and gloves this morning.”

“That is terrible,” I replied.

“Grandma, would you give our hats and gloves to the poor children?” said my younger grandson.

“Do you think I should? I feel so bad when you fight,” I said sadly.

“We promise we will not fight. We will share!” They both seemed to say that simultaneously.

“Well, that sounds great! But if you forget…” I was interrupted by their words, “Grandma, we won’t forget!”

Josh’s Grandmother saved the day!

In another incidence, my older grandson finally graduated to a booster seat and was now able to retire his old car seat. In his eyes he was “big” and he had the 4o pounds to prove it. I found the perfect blue sports theme booster seat for my car. He loved it and once again I knew I was the best grandma in the entire world.

All was well until I put him in the car seat and he began squirming all over the place.

I knew he was experiencing his new found freedom but I have places to go and people to see. He is not safe and I cannot drive while he is dancing in his booster seat.

So as not to pollute the moment, I said in my best Grandmother voice, “Sweetheart, please sit nicely. I am afraid you will get hurt.”

My darling chose to ignore my words and the dancing continued. I then switched gears and reported that I had just gotten off the phone with Josh’s Grandmother and that she has a big problem.

I said, “Josh’s Grandmother has searched every store in Toronto for a booster seat for her grandson and she can only find the pink princess booster seats. Josh’s Grandmother knows that sometimes when boys sit in a new blue sports booster seat they can be silly and then they have to return to their old car seat. So, she was wondering if I knew any boys that were unable to sit nicely in their new booster seats. Josh’s Grandmother told me that I should mention her problem to all the Grandmothers. Perhaps, one of the Grandmothers has a new blue sports booster seat that they are not using.”

Suddenly, the dancing stopped. Ten minutes later… I complimented my darling on how nicely he was sitting in his new blue sports booster seat.

This Grandparent Feels that by sharing our “tricks” we can make the grandparenting ride a pleasant journey. What kinds of tricks have you used to help discipline your grandchildren?

Rickie Glickman is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com. With her degree in education and years of teaching experience, Rickie examines parenting issues through the eyes of a grandparent.

Parenting Teenagers

marshajacobson — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:43:05 +0000

I know some parents who intimidated me as a young mother. They seemed to get everything just right. Their children were always immaculate, clean and well-behaved. They slept when they were supposed to and ate what was good for them. These same parents found the time to teach their barely toddlers to recognize their abc’s and still find space in a day to work out!

I crawled through those early years, happy to make it to the end of each day without a major calamity or concern.

I noticed however, with great interest, that these same parents seemed a bit thrown when their children reached eight or nine. Those fun years when kids realize for the first time that you, their wonderful parents, don’t know absolutely everything there is to know on this earth. They learn that their mouths move and they’re not afraid to use them. These parents now go into full gear and ground their kids at the drop of a hat and manage, through these and other punitive techniques, to keep their children, yet again, on the straight and narrow for another few years.

Then, TEENAGERS! I’ve come to realize that these years define parents way more than they define children. Parents of teenagers who’ve never doubted their parenting skills could run into serious trouble here. Children of this age want to explore their own wants and desires. They want to experiment with limits and they definitely don’t want you telling them what to do. Parents of teenagers have to become expert diplomats. They have to learn to parent with backbone and understanding in the same sitting.

Parents with control issues do not do well parenting this age group. They take rebellion and withdrawal as a personal attack and lose sight of the true role of parent. They are so hung up on getting their children to listen that they forget to look for emotional and social cues. I’m not saying that parenting teenagers is easy. It’s not. But it doesn’t have to spiral into an endless existence of negativity.

This is the greatest period of adjustment for parents. It is almost, symbolically speaking, the real cutting of the cord. Parents unable to do this will start to do one of two things. They will start to blame their child (for somehow being innately bad) or they will start to blame others – wrong friends, wrong school, wrong area etc. Sadly, many “perfect” parents do not look at themselves.

Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com .

Book Review: Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari

marshajacobson — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:55:31 +0000

There are so many wonderful things about Jennifer Kolari‘s book “Connected Parenting” that I hardly know where to begin.

Kolari understands that even when parents feel despair, overwhelmed, angry or feel guilty because they no longer like their child, that these feelings are just a mask for fear and confusion. Kolari never blames parents who have lost their way and find themselves in a vortex of negativity. She understands, as a parent herself, how easily this can happen. Kolari’s book is about repairing and strengthening bonds between parent and child and between all relationships. It is not about learning to love our child but learning how to love our child so that they feel lovable.

Of course, children and parents begin their journey in different places but all can benefit from learning the techniques outlined in “Connected Parenting.” Kolari provides a wealth of information for general parenting as well as specific direction for parents of children with special needs. Kolari states that the Connected Parenting method is based on, “therapy techniques, not parenting techniques.” It’s important to know this because many times following her techniques feels like the opposite of what should be happening. A general rule of thumb for Kolari is that the times when we feel least like following her techniques are exactly the times when we should.

“Mirroring” is at the crux of Kolari’s method and is like empathy but much, much more. To mirror our child is to empathize in a way that makes them feel that we are listening and have truly understood their experience. We reflect this back to them and use their reactions as a guide for when we have done it right. Children who feel heard and understood also feel validated, safe and lovable. These children will also be more able to understand themselves and will feel more in control of their behavior and feelings. They will also find it easier to understand and accept boundaries.

Kolari refers to a child as feeling “lovable” as opposed to “loved.” This really speaks to her understanding of parents who have arrived at her doorstep not because they no longer love their child but because the parent-child relationship has “frayed” and the experience of love is lost behind the cloud of anxiety, anger and despair. The Connected Parenting method helps us find that love again.

Kolari has some wonderful analogies throughout her book that really help parents understand what she is saying. She says that children need to feel connected to their parents to feel loved and safe so that they can explore their world in a healthy way. We must be careful, however, to not smother our child nor give them too much slack. She uses rock climbing to explain this concept. “When you rock climb, you often have a partner on the ground who is wearing a harness with a rope. … The rope literally connects the climber to his or her partner on the ground, who, in effect, gives him enough slack to move upward. And because the climber trusts the partner and feels the safety of the tension on the rope, he will have the confidence to reach farther and climb higher because he knows he can’t fall. The tension needs to be just right – too much and the climber can’t move, too little and he can’t feel the tension.”

Kolari exudes “realness” both as a person and as a parent. She shares many personal stories about her own imperfect parenting but strongly believes that, “In the game of life you always get a second chance.” She encourages parents to revisit situations that they may have handled incorrectly and rewrite them. She teaches parents that there is no room in the journey of parenting for defensiveness and power struggles. She shows us in clear and often touching ways that loving your child in ways that they feel lovable is empowering to both child and parent.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve the quality of the relationship with their child.

Connected Parenting is available for purchase at amazon.ca, amazon.com, and other retailers.

Children’s Literature and Emotional Intelligence

marshajacobson — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:36:19 +0000

Although concepts of emotional intelligence are evident in literature as far back as the early 1900’s, Daniel Goleman was the first to popularize this idea in 1995 with his book “Emotional Intelligence“. The belief that improving emotional intelligence can improve overall success in life grabbed the attention of the western world. Today, we find tools for assessing and teaching emotional intelligence flooding work environments, healthcare and even the US army!

While many books have been written about developing emotional intelligence in children, the materials for assessing and teaching emotional intelligence are largely aimed at adults. There is a shortage of hands-on material developed specifically for children, particularly ones that parents might use in the home. This is unfortunate and the time to act is now! The most efficient and potent time to teach emotional intelligence is during childhood. This can be achieved in schools as well as in the most important place of learning, the home.

What are the best tools for teaching emotional intelligence to our children? Obvious important tools are emotionally intelligent parents who make the decision to educate themselves using the literature existing in the marketplace today. There are also, very powerful tools that have been largely ignored as a means of developing emotional intelligence. These are children’s storybooks. With few exceptions, children love to read or be read to and any “teaching” using this medium will always be perceived positively.

Children learn best by example. Whether it’s observing the behaviour of their parents, influential adults or peers, they mimic behaviour. The old adage “do as I say and not as I do” doesn’t fly in this enlightened generation. Stories, if used correctly, can teach by example and can be an extremely potent way to direct children’s learning.

Choosing the correct books is of utmost importance. Books of great value to the development of positive emotional intelligence are those that demonstrate empathy, exploration of feelings (both positive and negative) and in particular stories that show by example a child evolving and growing with the help of a parent or significant caregiver. The connection between the child and caregiver is an extremely important one and using this relationship in stories can be a powerful teaching tool. Adults should be depicted as demonstrating appropriate empathy, accepting the child’s feelings without judgement and helping the child identify their different feelings. They may suggest solutions but only after the child feels completely heard and understood. Teaching a child is always more effective if done at this point.

Parents or adult readers should not be afraid to become active participants during story time. It is a perfect time to explore feelings with their child. Use the story as a platform for further exploration. Discussion at the end of the story can be invaluable. Questions like “What’s another word for that feeling?” or “Have you ever felt like that?” or “What would you do if you felt like that?” can accelerate the acquisition of emotional intelligence.

Sharing your own feelings is another way to get the child to open up. Do this with caution; however, making sure that you are not putting words in the child’s mouth. Just by letting them know that these are your feelings and that everyone has different feelings is often enough.

This is not to say that these kinds of books have to be dry and boring. Far from it! Exciting and interesting stories that capture the child’s imagination and attention will deliver their message with much more punch. Teaching children emotional intelligence can and should be a fun and positive experience.

Teach an adult emotional intelligence and change a life, teach our children and change our world.

For Many Children, Back to School Means Facing Bullies

marshajacobson — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 14:31:21 +0000

I read a great article in examiner.com entitled “Parenting Intervention for School Bullying,” written by Kara Tamanini (@KidTherapist). Our kids are back at school and bullying is something that, unfortunately, many have to face. The more that parents familiarize themselves with all aspects of bullying, the greater chance we have to diminish it’s tentacles. Some of the things I liked about this article were the links to other great sites on bullying. Be sure to click on these.

Children With Emotional Resilience Do Better In School

marshajacobson — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 09:30:16 +0000

A recent article posted on sciencedaily.com entitled “Children With Positive Outlooks Are Better Learners” discusses researcher Martin Seligman‘s contribution at the American Psychological Association‘s convention.

Seligman reiterated the importance of teaching positive thinking in schools as this is linked to overall success and happiness. Teaching resilience, flexibility, assertiveness and relaxation are just some of the coping and problem solving skills mentioned. He also states that it is “important to start in the formative school years.” This is a very interesting article.