mychildfeels.com » Relationships

Guest Blog: Should We Protect Our Kids From Difficult Situations?

marshajacobson — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 19:14:08 +0000

I’d like to welcome Shara Lawrence-Weiss as a guest blogger on mychildfeels.com. Shara operates a great informational website called, “Early Childhood News and Resources.”

Raising children is not easy, especially in difficult times. It is during these times that honesty becomes so important. Say what you mean and mean what you say because children “hear” our non-verbal communication as loudly as our verbal conversation. Shara suggests that rather than shield our children during times like these that we engage them and teach them coping skills to help them become successful adults.

Thanks for the insight Shara!

Marsha

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Should we protect our kids from difficult circumstances?

In my parent’s generation it was understood that children should be kept from hearing, or seeing, difficult situations: financial, marriage, family, etc. Our parents did this in an attempt to keep our hearts from breaking. They wanted to protect us.

With protection, however, comes a bit of head burial. Much like an Ostrich with his head in the sand. The difficult circumstances still exist but the Ostrich cannot see them – temporarily. When the head is pulled out of the sand, though, the aftermath of the circumstances may well bring a bit of shock to the poor fellow.

What? Huh? What happened to my food? It was right there, just a moment ago!

Parenting could well be viewed this way, also: if we attempt to protect our children from every difficult situation, they might be left wondering: “What the heck happened? How do I deal with this NOW?”

Consider the following hypothetical situation:

Mom: Your father is upset because it’s been a long day. He’s just tired. Everything is fine. Go to bed now and tomorrow will be a new day! You’re fine right? Good night, kiddo. Love you!

Child: But…I know something is wrong. I can feel it. I can sense it. Dad used to be more laid back and easy going. Have I done something wrong? Why does he hate me now? What can I do to make it right?

Now consider this hypothetical situation:

Mom: Hey, kiddo. We know you are wondering what’s going on. We’ll be honest with you. Your dad lost his job this week. The company downsized and several daddies were left wondering what to do. It’s not easy for your dad right now. He feels as though he’s let us all down. We may need to reconsider how we’ve been spending money and I might need to get another job for a while. That will cause some stress on the family but we’re going to work hard to be positive, have faith that everything will work out, and keep the lines of communication open. We’ll plan a fun day out, together, soon – like a picnic at the park. This won’t be easy but we’ll pull through. We always do.

Child: This makes sense. Of course dad is feeling bad and now I get it. I’m glad it wasn’t me or anything I did. Yeah – let’s go to the park soon!

By giving our children the skills needed to talk through situations, we’ll help them for the short term and for the long term. No family (single parent, two parent, or otherwise) gets through life without any difficult circumstances. This is not logical or feasible.

The key is to demonstrate an ability to communicate, feel, empathize and work through the difficult times. If our children see that hard times come, yes – but can be worked through as a team – they’ll be ready for successful adulthood.

About the Author:

Shara Lawrence-Weiss is the owner of Mommy Perks, Personal Child Stories, Early Childhood News and Resources and Kids Perks. She has a background in education, early childhood, nanny work, published freelance, marketing and special needs.

Marsha Jacobson is author of "Boom... Boom... Boom...: A Story to Raise Your Child's Emotional Intelligence". She is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com and you can visit her website at marshajacobson.com .

The Me In Parenting

marshajacobson — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 20:57:20 +0000

I was undiagnosed, but in retrospect clearly diagnosable, with depression from age 12. For much of my youth I “other-reflected” rather than self-reflected. I made the worst attitudes of others my own. I would say that I hated the way others viewed my depression but I really just hated myself. Through necessity born from the passing of time, I came to acceptance. But it wasn’t until I had children and became aware of the “me” in that relationship that I grew to know myself better. From that knowledge, I learned to love myself.

Every parent has issues – so while I speak from mine, I think what I have learned can be generalized.

Spontaneity is a wonderful attribute in many aspects of life but not so much in parenting. Awareness, consciousness, thoughtfulness and openness are characteristics that I have come to value in the parenting process. Without these, we parent reactively rather than actively. What does this mean? As parents we are sometimes confused between the discrepancy between what we want and what is.

We feel that we have tried our best and in that moment, we truly have. So what can we do to aim for better? We need to focus less on our reactions to a particular situation and more on why we react in that way. We have to become self-psychologists. What thoughts and beliefs do we have? Where do they come from? Did our parents have them too? Are they serving us? If not, can we change them?

Here’s a simple example: I am watching my 3 year old daughter eat her dinner. It’s spaghetti and meat sauce. Within minutes, the sauce is more on her face than in her mouth. I reach for a napkin and wipe her face. She screams and pushes me away. I reprimand her and persevere amidst crying. I feel angry that she does not allow me to do what is necessary in this situation.

These are the questions I needed to ask myself, “What is my belief here? Why is it important that her face be clean? Where does this belief come from? Why am I angry?” I realize that I hear my mother’s voice telling me the importance of being clean and that my anger comes from my daughter’s lack of compliance, as well as my feelings of frustration and incompetence.

My belief here is that a good parent is one who can get their child to listen. Knowing these things allows me to choose. I may decide that a clean face is in fact unimportant and thus avoid this particular conflict. If I feel that I need that clean face, I may approach the solution a little differently without the power struggle born from my belief about parenting. For example, I could hand a napkin to my daughter and say, “Here’s a napkin, sweetheart. You can use it if you want to wipe your face.”

Knowledge of the self in parenting is power.

In my early days of parenting, I was a reactive parent. If my children showed any signs of anxiety or sadness, I would react with great personal anxiety believing that this was because of my concern for my child. This reaction did not serve my child or myself. Once I learned to look at what I brought to the parenting table, I was able to recognize that their anxiety was triggering my own fears. This understanding allowed me to remove a cloud from between myself and my child and see him more objectively.

To this day, if I feel that I am particularly anxious in a parenting moment, I will stop and ask myself, “What about this situation is making me feel this way?” This contemplation makes me look at myself and makes me a much more effective parent.

The parenting relationship is complex. Every parenting moment is a mesh of personalities and beliefs from both parent and child. Practicing conscious parenting allows us to take ownership of what belongs to us. This enables us to see our child with greater clarity and to parent with greater empathy.

Guest Blog: Helping Young Children Who Speak Different Languages Become Friends

marshajacobson — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 14:00:52 +0000

It gives me great pleasure to welcome Karen Nemeth to mychildfeels.com. I met Karen over Twitter (follow her @KarenNemethEdM) and she was kind enough to write a guest blog.

In the multicultural societies of North America, tolerance and kindness towards others begins in the cradle. Karen has some wonderful and helpful suggestions on how to create an environment conducive to these attributes. Karen is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009) and has her Masters degree in education. Thanks Karen for providing us with your great perspective. – Marsha

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Children from different home languages are the fastest growing segment of the preschool population right now across the United States. Chances are most English-speaking children will meet children who speak other languages in their neighborhoods, schools and childcare. We can all benefit from fostering attitudes of tolerance and friendship.

Research tells us that all preschool children need to continue learning in their home languages even while they are also ready and able to learn a second language. My hope is that all young children can learn to make wonderful social and emotional connections regardless of language, culture or ability.

I’ve included a lot of suggestions for helping diverse children communicate in my book, “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House). Here are some practical strategies that you can use to help young children get along with their diverse friends:

Be a language learning role model: Research shows there are cognitive advantages to becoming bilingual. Even more important, this is a great way to show that you respect and enjoy diversity of languages and cultures and you are willing to give it a try. Help children get beyond their shyness about trying to pronounce unfamiliar words. And, above all, learn to properly pronounce every child’s name because it is an extension of their identity!
Narrate children’s play: This helps bridge the communication gap by giving the English speaking children clues about how they can understand their new friend and by providing new vocabulary and understanding for the English language learner. You might say, “Oh, Tomika is reaching for the blue play dough. I think she is making a snake. Ryan, you want to use some blue play dough too? Let’s see how we can help Tomika understand how fun it is to share playdough with a friend!”
Teach everyone to use “motherese”: Even preschool-aged children can use these time-tested techniques to build basic language. Remind all the children to speak slowly, to use gestures, expressions, props and pointing, to emphasize key words, and to be patient as they look for signs their friend has understood their message.
Assign language buddies: Establishing a buddy system guarantees that every child will have a ready-made friend to start with. Depending on who is available and what are the language levels and needs of each child, think of different ways to pair children. You might ask a more experienced bilingual child to partner with a newcomer, or pair a nurturing English-speaker with a child who is just learning the language. This benefits the newcomer for sure – but think about how terrific it is for the other buddy to be entrusted with such important responsibility!
Prepare adults to foster multilingual friendships: Sometimes programs or playgroups may have one adult who speaks the other language of the children. That’s a wonderful thing – but even better if that adult is prepared to include other friends in the play, stories and games. Every monolingual English child should have the experience of participating in play that is conducted in a language they hardly know.
Try using sign language: Using American Sign Language (ASL) in the U.S., and other versions in their respective locations, is a fantastic addition to any preschool child’s life. Many of the signs used by young children really do look like the concept, so they are easy to remember and use. For example, the sign for ‘drink’ is to hold the hand as if gripping a cup and putting it to the lips. As long as we depend on using gestures to augment our communication – why not use standard signs as gestures? Then all the children will be learning the same gestures to clarify communication even if the group has many different languages. I’ve seen children rush to teach signs to newcomers so they can get to know each other right away.

I know there’s a lot of talk among advocates and experts about how important it is for American children to learn to communicate with people from different language and cultural background to support our country’s ability to compete in the global marketplace. Right now, I am most interested in helping young children develop confidence, self-esteem, and the joy of being able to make new friends!

Karen Nemeth, Ed.M. is an instructor at Bucks County Community College in Pennsylvania. She is also a consultant and website developer (www.languagecastle.com) on supporting dual and English language learners in early childhood education. She is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House). She is a writer and consulting editor for NAEYC and is the Early Childhood Special Interest Group co-coordinator on the board of NJTESOL-NJBE.

Too Much Parenting Advice?

marshajacobson — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 14:00:43 +0000

Mackenzie Carpenter of the Washington Post writes a thought provoking article entitled, “Clashing Data Bombards New Parents As Old-School Ideas Fall By The Wayside.”

Giving readers food for thought, Carpenter talks about parents over-reliance on parent advice. She cleverly points out how advice and parenting gurus change from generation to generation, leading us to wonder at the validity of any of it.

While I could be buying into yet another trend, I do feel that raising your children to be emotionally intelligent by using principles of emotional coaching, empathy and mirroring really makes sense. This approach individualizes parenting and puts the power back where it belongs – the parent-child relationship.

In my opinion, no one parenting book or one parenting guru can be useful unless it recognizes this individualistic approach. When we, as parents, feel in charge of our parenting it does much to reduce the anxiety of feeling like we are always falling short. Reading many conflicting books on parenting will raise this anxiety, sometimes to a feverish pitch.

I’m not suggesting that we should feel like we are always right! Parenting is a dynamic relationship in which we learn. We have to make mistakes because we are human. Let’s learn from these.

No Place For Power Struggles In Parenting

marshajacobson — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 18:56:59 +0000

We’ve all been there and often don’t know how we arrived. But one thing is certain, no parent enjoys being in a power struggle with their child. What brings us to this point?

Parenting is not a one way street. Two separate personalities interact to hopefully produce a loving parent-child relationship. Becoming a good parent is as much about us as it is about our kids. We have to understand our beliefs, emotions and our own “parented” experience. Not only that, we have to process all of this so that we parent consciously and not reactively.

Here’s an example: Tim is 15 years old. He has shut himself in his room, barely communicates and has even gone so far as to put a sign on his door which says, “Keep Out!” This can be hard to deal with especially for parents who believe that children should always listen or for parents who have problems with not being liked. This can feel impossible and they may react in anger, creating a power struggle which resolves very little.

Parents who take the time to recognize their feelings may be more able to react by saying to themselves, “This is a tough situation for me and it evokes all these feelings. This self-acknowledement creates consciousness and we are much more able to show empathy to our child. It may allow us to see that our teenager is seeking independence and separation.” Understanding allows for compassion and empathy which are two attributes important in parenting and never more so than in parenting teenagers!

Does this mean that before becoming a parent we should all go into therapy? (In truth, it probably wouldn’t hurt!) It does mean is that parents should think about parenting from a personal perspective. Become aware of the issues that you bring to the parent-child relationship. Sometimes knowing what your issues are allows you to react differently even if you have not resolved those issues. Taking responsibility for who you are adds a layer to parenting by increasing consciousness.

We are all human however, so be prepared for mistakes. We learn from our mistakes! And they’re not always set in stone. An apology goes a long way, both in correcting a parenting mistakes and in teaching our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes and to apologize.

Avoiding power struggles does not mean soft parenting. Children need to know that their parents are in charge and their protectors. Be in charge. Just don’t be there for the wrong reasons.

Letting Your Grad Student Go

marshajacobson — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:12:59 +0000

My sister and I were talking the other day about how difficult we find it to NOT be helicopter parents. So naturally, this article at nytimes.com by Amanda M. Fairbanks called “Letting Your Grad Student Go” grabbed my attention.

What I like about it was the realism and the understanding of us – the helicopter parents. We have to change but we have to understand first what we must change. The article helps with this understanding.

Better Parenting Can Save The World

marshajacobson — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:06:11 +0000

The Huntsville Times published an article on November 1, 2009 called, “Better Parenting Can Save The World,” by Judi Light Hopson, Emma H. Hopson, R.N., and Ted Hagen Ph.D.

This article, short and sweet, says it all. I wanted to reinforce the message.

How This Grandparent Feels

rickieglickman — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:52:32 +0000

One morning, I was sitting enjoying my cup of coffee when the phone rang.

“Hi Rickie, it’s Marsha Jacobson. I was wondering if you would join mychildfeels.com as a contributor. We are looking for a perspective from a grandparent and I know you would be great. I still remember advice you gave me years ago.”

“Yes,” I replied. “I would love to share my thoughts, but what is blogging? And why can’t we just sit and have a cup of coffee and chat?”

After Marsha explained it all to me, I now understand what blogging is and feel excited at the prospect of sharing my ideas. They have been seasoned along the way by a 38 year old marriage to my childhood sweetheart, being a mother of my two (now) adult children and their mates and a grandmother to my boys.

My job as a preschool principal for 25 years has fine tuned my perspective and allowed me to see the world through thousands of eyes. My parents, siblings and their family’s life experiences have provided me with the platform to work towards my doctorate in life.

So, get a large lasagna dish, fill it with eggs and then gently, very gently walk on the eggs… but don’t break them. Welcome to the world of grand parenting.

I love being a grandmother. But, in order to ride this trolley, there are rules that must be followed. Three great rules I try to work by are: Stop, Look and Listen.

Stop: Give no advice.
Look: Observe your grandkids being parented by their parents.
Listen: Support the parents. As grandparents, we are cheerleaders not consultants.

As a grandparent, my goal is to sit on the sidelines and enjoy a new team playing a familiar game with updated equipment and new and improved rules. This team has to find their own way and develop strategies that will result in winning outcomes. Insisting on my game plan could sabotage their future successes and interferes with the team building process, necessary for any championship team.

We know it “takes a village to raise a child,” but it takes the wisdom of the world to be a grandparent.

I look forward to reading your ideas, comments or questions.

Rickie Glickman is a regular contributor of mychildfeels.com. With her degree in education and years of teaching experience, Rickie examines parenting issues through the eyes of a grandparent.

Book Review: Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari

marshajacobson — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:55:31 +0000

There are so many wonderful things about Jennifer Kolari‘s book “Connected Parenting” that I hardly know where to begin.

Kolari understands that even when parents feel despair, overwhelmed, angry or feel guilty because they no longer like their child, that these feelings are just a mask for fear and confusion. Kolari never blames parents who have lost their way and find themselves in a vortex of negativity. She understands, as a parent herself, how easily this can happen. Kolari’s book is about repairing and strengthening bonds between parent and child and between all relationships. It is not about learning to love our child but learning how to love our child so that they feel lovable.

Of course, children and parents begin their journey in different places but all can benefit from learning the techniques outlined in “Connected Parenting.” Kolari provides a wealth of information for general parenting as well as specific direction for parents of children with special needs. Kolari states that the Connected Parenting method is based on, “therapy techniques, not parenting techniques.” It’s important to know this because many times following her techniques feels like the opposite of what should be happening. A general rule of thumb for Kolari is that the times when we feel least like following her techniques are exactly the times when we should.

“Mirroring” is at the crux of Kolari’s method and is like empathy but much, much more. To mirror our child is to empathize in a way that makes them feel that we are listening and have truly understood their experience. We reflect this back to them and use their reactions as a guide for when we have done it right. Children who feel heard and understood also feel validated, safe and lovable. These children will also be more able to understand themselves and will feel more in control of their behavior and feelings. They will also find it easier to understand and accept boundaries.

Kolari refers to a child as feeling “lovable” as opposed to “loved.” This really speaks to her understanding of parents who have arrived at her doorstep not because they no longer love their child but because the parent-child relationship has “frayed” and the experience of love is lost behind the cloud of anxiety, anger and despair. The Connected Parenting method helps us find that love again.

Kolari has some wonderful analogies throughout her book that really help parents understand what she is saying. She says that children need to feel connected to their parents to feel loved and safe so that they can explore their world in a healthy way. We must be careful, however, to not smother our child nor give them too much slack. She uses rock climbing to explain this concept. “When you rock climb, you often have a partner on the ground who is wearing a harness with a rope. … The rope literally connects the climber to his or her partner on the ground, who, in effect, gives him enough slack to move upward. And because the climber trusts the partner and feels the safety of the tension on the rope, he will have the confidence to reach farther and climb higher because he knows he can’t fall. The tension needs to be just right – too much and the climber can’t move, too little and he can’t feel the tension.”

Kolari exudes “realness” both as a person and as a parent. She shares many personal stories about her own imperfect parenting but strongly believes that, “In the game of life you always get a second chance.” She encourages parents to revisit situations that they may have handled incorrectly and rewrite them. She teaches parents that there is no room in the journey of parenting for defensiveness and power struggles. She shows us in clear and often touching ways that loving your child in ways that they feel lovable is empowering to both child and parent.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve the quality of the relationship with their child.

Connected Parenting is available for purchase at amazon.ca, amazon.com, and other retailers.

Does High Emotional Intelligence Predict Success?

marshajacobson — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 14:28:07 +0000

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a person’s ability to identify, organize and act on their feelings and the feelings of others in a healthy and productive way. Does increasing an individual’s emotional intelligence correlate to a higher probability of long-term personal success and happiness? There are countless examples from recent times that show the correlation to be true.

Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence” (1995) introduced the idea of emotional intelligence to professionals and laymen. It boldly claimed that in predicting personal success, EQ could be “as powerful, and at times more powerful, than IQ.” (p. 34). Much of this claim was based on previous extensive research on IQ, which found that the predictive nature of IQ on job performance and personal success was seriously falling short.

The correlations were only between 10% and 25%. John Snarey and George Vaillant conducted a longitudinal study in 1985 involving 450 boys and found that IQ had little relation to workplace and personal success. Rather, what was found to be more important in determining their success was their ability to handle frustration, control emotions, and get along with others. While they did not call these traits emotional intelligence, they are some of the central elements to the emotional intelligence construct.

John Gottman, a forerunner in the area of emotional intelligence in children, claimed, “In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and abilities to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships.”

Beyond just academia and formally defining the concept of “emotional intelligence,” the core elements of the construct have emerged in other areas too. A great example of this from popular culture is The Secret, a book and movie by Rhonda Byrne. It believes in the inner emotional power of people. It took the English-speaking world by storm and has already been translated into 10 other languages. More than anything, this demonstrates the world’s readiness to focus on their emotions. The adult population, already saturated by self-help books, was primed and ready to accept these ideas.

It is no surprise now that workforce personnel have enthusiastically supported the investigation and understanding of EQ. Companies are including EQ assessments and training into work regimes. The increasing competitiveness in the workforce has forced those who want to get ahead to actively look for new plausible ideas and run with them. Their approach has been, “This seems to be something that may affect productivity. Lets try it.”

In the area of children and education, scepticism has been more predominant. School boards have focussed on the research showing lack of proof between emotional intelligence and success in later life. Lynn Waterhouse sums up this point of view in her article for Educational Psychologist in 2006. According to her, there exist too many conflicting constructs of EQ to make research possible and the research that has been done is too inconclusive. Many supporters are frustrated at the lack of action taken by schools because they feel that the best time to teach EQ is in childhood.

Perhaps our entire approach to emotional intelligence is wrong. We are trying to place the idea of EQ purely in the scientific world and assessing efficacy and predictability only according to the rules of science. Quantitative research is valuable whenever possible but certainly has limitations when focusing on a construct as qualitative as emotional intelligence. Is there not sufficient evidence that suggests the importance of EQ? Is there not overwhelming evidence that suggests that the lack of EQ creates many of the problems in our lives today? Perhaps we should be focussing on what isn’t working in our human experience rather than resisting the implementation of EQ into our schools.

With the rise in school violence, bullying, terrorism, suicide, job dissatisfaction and loneliness, can we afford to not teach EQ to our children? What can we possibly have to lose by teaching our children to be emotionally intelligent? What’s the worst that can happen? We will produce a generation of people more in touch with their feelings and with the feelings of others? We will produce a generation of people who are taught to be more empathic, tolerant and respectful to themselves and others?

There may be some among us who might like to live in a world like that.