Raising children is not easy, especially in difficult times. It is during these times that honesty becomes so important. Say what you mean and mean what you say because children “hear” our non-verbal communication as loudly as our verbal conversation. Shara suggests that rather than shield our children during times like these that we engage them and teach them coping skills to help them become successful adults.

Thanks for the insight Shara!

Marsha

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Should we protect our kids from difficult circumstances?

In my parent’s generation it was understood that children should be kept from hearing, or seeing, difficult situations: financial, marriage, family, etc. Our parents did this in an attempt to keep our hearts from breaking. They wanted to protect us.

With protection, however, comes a bit of head burial. Much like an Ostrich with his head in the sand. The difficult circumstances still exist but the Ostrich cannot see them – temporarily. When the head is pulled out of the sand, though, the aftermath of the circumstances may well bring a bit of shock to the poor fellow.

What? Huh? What happened to my food? It was right there, just a moment ago!

Parenting could well be viewed this way, also: if we attempt to protect our children from every difficult situation, they might be left wondering: “What the heck happened? How do I deal with this NOW?”

Consider the following hypothetical situation:

Mom: Your father is upset because it’s been a long day. He’s just tired. Everything is fine. Go to bed now and tomorrow will be a new day! You’re fine right? Good night, kiddo. Love you!

Child: But…I know something is wrong. I can feel it. I can sense it. Dad used to be more laid back and easy going. Have I done something wrong? Why does he hate me now? What can I do to make it right?

Now consider this hypothetical situation:

Mom: Hey, kiddo. We know you are wondering what’s going on. We’ll be honest with you. Your dad lost his job this week. The company downsized and several daddies were left wondering what to do. It’s not easy for your dad right now. He feels as though he’s let us all down. We may need to reconsider how we’ve been spending money and I might need to get another job for a while. That will cause some stress on the family but we’re going to work hard to be positive, have faith that everything will work out, and keep the lines of communication open. We’ll plan a fun day out, together, soon – like a picnic at the park. This won’t be easy but we’ll pull through. We always do.

Child: This makes sense. Of course dad is feeling bad and now I get it. I’m glad it wasn’t me or anything I did. Yeah – let’s go to the park soon!

By giving our children the skills needed to talk through situations, we’ll help them for the short term and for the long term. No family (single parent, two parent, or otherwise) gets through life without any difficult circumstances. This is not logical or feasible.

The key is to demonstrate an ability to communicate, feel, empathize and work through the difficult times. If our children see that hard times come, yes – but can be worked through as a team – they’ll be ready for successful adulthood.

About the Author:

Shara Lawrence-Weiss is the owner of Mommy Perks, Personal Child Stories, Early Childhood News and Resources and Kids Perks. She has a background in education, early childhood, nanny work, published freelance, marketing and special needs.

I use the two together because they are bound. Respecting others necessitates understanding of their boundaries. As parents, in our efforts to raise our children, it sometimes feels easier to be prescriptive rather than fine-tuning our approach to their individual needs. Who has the time?! While the time often seems impossible to find, I believe that the short-term effort would mean very long-term gains.

Every child, like every adult, has a different set of boundaries. Even from very young ages, some may enjoy lots of cuddling while others can barely sit on our laps for more than a few seconds. Some kids naturally communicate about everything while others show more reticence. When we understand and respect the individual personalities and boundaries of our children, we are essentially telling them that we accept who they are.

Only from a position of acceptance can children truly grow. Children who are told to be something that they don’t feel at that moment is possible for them, become defensive and cling to the selves that they fear they are in danger of losing. Secure kids are kids who will extend themselves and take risks regardless of their starting position.

How do we as parents change the way we act and more importantly, feel? I think if parents accept that by respecting the boundaries of our children, we will raise them to be the best that they can be, change will feel easier. This becomes more challenging as our children grow older but the truth is that the more challenging it feels, the more important it will be!

I believe that prescriptive parenting serves us and not our kids. We often have to stand by and watch our child “fail” at something because we believe that there is a lesson that they need to learn. For this reason, I like to think of “failure” as showing our children enough respect that we have faith in their ultimate choices.

Believe me, as a mother of four I understand how difficult this is and sometimes not possible at all! No one said parenting was easy. Often it feels very counter-intuitive as we consciously put our protective selves aside, knowing that this will be the best for our children. I am a parent and I struggle with this daily.

Sharing our experiences as parents, our triumphs and our setbacks can be so helpful. I would love to hear what you think about this.

Laughing and smiling are essential to a full life. We do both when we are happy. Laughing is often a great release of emotion and triggers a release of chemicals in our brains that make us happier. Smiling is an instinct in humans. It is seen in children as young as 4 weeks old. Smiling and laughing are often infectious and can easily spread to other people. Laughing together can often feel very connecting and connecting with others is at the core of all relationships.

Many wonderful childhood memories are those that have occurred with humour. When a family laughs in a spirit of togetherness, the value of that connection is enormous. Laughter is a strong emotion and when a strong positive emotion is connected to an event in childhood, it is remembered. Connecting in a family with humour increases our emotional intelligence.

Possessing a good sense of humour is a by-product of having high emotional intelligence. The greatest sense of humour comes from kindness, which is a characteristic present in people with high emotional intelligence. A person with good empathy will know when it is appropriate to laugh.

Another common place that humour can often occur is when something unexpected happens. A person’s ability to laugh in situations like this is often related to how that person generally deals with the unexpected and how quickly they can adapt to seeing a situation in a new way. Self-understanding and knowing how to deal with feelings, yours and others, produce this lack of rigidity. Learning how to do this with humour is yet another characteristic of high emotional intelligence.

Everything that we ever learn as humans, from riding a bike to knowing when to laugh, grows with practice. There is a necessary period of self-consciousness before it feels natural and automatic. People who live a life of spontaneous joy have learned to live that way. They have all “worked” in some way on developing high emotional intelligence.

Along with many other characteristics of high emotional intelligence, we can and should teach children to use humour appropriately.