It gives me great pleasure to welcome Dr. Michele Borba to mychildfeels.com.  I met Dr. Borba over Twitter (follow her @micheleborba) and she was kind enough to review “Boom… Boom… Boom…” last month.  Her new book entitled “The Big Book of Parenting Solutions” was released today. I thank her for being willing to guest blog on this site about the important issue of bullying. – Marsha

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We usually think of bullying as physical aggression such as punching, hitting, shoving, but it’s way beyond that. If your kid is being bullied or harassed that means his friend or peers are hurting him intentionally. As a result, your son or daughter feels powerless, helpless, humiliated, shamed, and hopeless about the whole situation.  A bully can “attack” her victim verbally (spreading rumors, saying prejudicial comments or cruel ‘put downs’), emotionally (excluding, humiliating, hazing); as well as sexually harassment. There is no excuse for this behavior, and each and every one of us need to be on the same page to stop it.

Here are a few solutions to help you handle these rougher waters of parenting.

Take your child seriously. Bullying is frightening and humiliating at any age, so listen to your child. Reassure your child that you believe him and will find a way to keep him safe.

Offer specific tips for a plan of action. Most kids can’t handle bullying on their own: they need your help, so provide it.

• Avoid the scene. “I will pick you up after swimming. Don’t take the bus.” “Where can you play instead of by the swings?” “How can you have your books with you so you don’t have to go to your locker?”  Bullying usually happens in unsupervised areas so tell your kid to be near others at lunch, recess, in hallways, near lockers, parks, or other areas.

• Find a supportive companion.  Tell your child there’s safety in numbers. “Stay with Kevin at recess.” “Sit with Josh on the bus. He’ll keep an eye out for you.” Kids who have even one friend to confide in can deal with bullying better than those on their own.

• Don’t retaliate except when unavoidable. “Don’t hit back—it will only increase the chance you’ll get hurt. Fight back only if there are no other options and you are hurt.”

• Make a strategic exit. “Sometimes the best thing to do is leave the scene.” “If you feel you could be hurt or need help, walk towards an adult, crowd or older kids.”

• Identify a trusting adult who can help your child when you’re not around. They must take this seriously, protect your kid, and, if necessary, keep this confidential.

Create a comeback. Bullies rarely just go away, so offer ways to handle a bully if he must face him (though it’s often best to avoid him altogether). Pleading (“Please stop that”) or feeling-laden messages such as “It really makes feel mad when you do that” rarely work. Bullies want to get their victim upset, and so such comments just means they won. A firm, direct statement such as “Cut it out” or “Leave me alone” are usually best. A big part of success is the ability to deliver it assertively.

Teach how to use assertive body language. Research finds that kids who learn how to be assertive and appear more confident are less likely to be targeted by bullies. In fact, studies show it’s usually not how “different” your child looks or acts, but rather her insecure posture that makes her an easy target. The real secret is to help your child learn to “look assertive” and that means you can’t appear to be a doormat (when everyone walks on you) or a steamroller (you push everyone to get what you want). You want to look somewhere in between: cool and confident. Here are the secrets to teach your child assertive body language.

• Learn to use a more confident posture. Stand tall, hold your head high, and put your shoulders slightly back so you look more confident and less afraid. Check yourself out in the mirror.

• Switch off your scared look. Turn the feelings off your face or pretend you’re wearing a special bully-proof vest that bounces taunts off you. Bullies love knowing they can push your buttons: so don’t let the kid think you’re upset.
• Look at the bully. Use a stone-faced glare or try a mean stare that looks straight through the bully. It makes you look more confident and controlled.

• Say no using a firm voice. If you need to respond, use a strong, firm voice and say a short, direct message: “No.” “Nope.” “Cut it out.” “Leave me alone.” “No way.” Do not cry, whine, or insult, and never threaten a bully. It only makes things worse.

• Leave. Hold your head high and walk towards other kids or an adult. Don’t look back. Get help if you need to. Fight only as a very last resort if you must defend yourself.

Boost self-confidence. Being bullied dramatically affects your child’s self-esteem, so find ways to boost her confidence. A few possibilities including learning martial arts, boxing, or weight-lifting. Find an avenue—such as a hobby, interest, sport, or talent–that your kid enjoys and can excel. Then help her develop the skill so her self-esteem grows. Or encourage your child to join safe kid activities at school or in the community so your child gains much-needed support group;

Step in when needed. If there’s ever the possibility your child could be injured–step in.

Tell those directly responsible for your child like his teacher, coach, day-care worker. If you do not get assurance, go up a level: call the principal, superintendent, school board or police. Bullying is serious and has serious consequences. Don’t give up!

Michele Borba, Ed.D. is an internationally renowned educational consultant who has presented workshops to one million participants and award-winning author of over 23 books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. She is a regular parent expert on TODAY and has appeared on The Early Show, The View, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, and CNN Headline News. For more about Dr. Borba’s work visit www.micheleborba.com