In the multicultural societies of North America, tolerance and kindness towards others begins in the cradle. Karen has some wonderful and helpful suggestions on how to create an environment conducive to these attributes. Karen is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009) and has her Masters degree in education. Thanks Karen for providing us with your great perspective. – Marsha

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Children from different home languages are the fastest growing segment of the preschool population right now across the United States.  Chances are most English-speaking children will meet children who speak other languages in their neighborhoods, schools and childcare.  We can all benefit from fostering attitudes of tolerance and friendship.

Research tells us that all preschool children need to continue learning in their home languages even while they are also ready and able to learn a second language.  My hope is that all young children can learn to make wonderful social and emotional connections regardless of language, culture or ability.

I’ve included a lot of suggestions for helping diverse children communicate in my book, “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House). Here are some practical strategies that you can use to help young children get along with their diverse friends:

• Be a language learning role model:  Research shows there are cognitive advantages to becoming bilingual.  Even more important, this is a great way to show that you respect and enjoy diversity of languages and cultures and you are willing to give it a try.  Help children get beyond their shyness about trying to pronounce unfamiliar words.  And, above all, learn to properly pronounce every child’s name because it is an extension of their identity!
• Narrate children’s play:  This helps bridge the communication gap by giving the English speaking children clues about how they can understand their new friend and by providing new vocabulary and understanding for the English language learner.  You might say, “Oh, Tomika is reaching for the blue play dough.  I think she is making a snake.  Ryan, you want to use some blue play dough too?  Let’s see how we can help Tomika understand how fun it is to share playdough with a friend!”
• Teach everyone to use “motherese”: Even preschool-aged children can use these time-tested techniques to build basic language.  Remind all the children to speak slowly, to use gestures, expressions, props and pointing, to emphasize key words, and to be patient as they look for signs their friend has understood their message.
• Assign language buddies:  Establishing a buddy system guarantees that every child will have a ready-made friend to start with.  Depending on who is available and what are the language levels and needs of each child, think of different ways to pair children.  You might ask a more experienced bilingual child to partner with a newcomer, or pair a nurturing English-speaker with a child who is just learning the language.  This benefits the newcomer for sure – but think about how terrific it is for the other buddy to be entrusted with such important responsibility!
• Prepare adults to foster multilingual friendships:  Sometimes programs or playgroups may have one adult who speaks the other language of the children.  That’s a wonderful thing – but even better if that adult is prepared to include other friends in the play, stories and games.  Every monolingual English child should have the experience of participating in play that is conducted in a language they hardly know.
• Try using sign language:  Using American Sign Language (ASL) in the U.S., and other versions in their respective locations, is a fantastic addition to any preschool child’s life.  Many of the signs used by young children really do look like the concept, so they are easy to remember and use.  For example, the sign for ‘drink’ is to hold the hand as if gripping a cup and putting it to the lips.  As long as we depend on using gestures to augment our communication – why not use standard signs as gestures?  Then all the children will be learning the same gestures to clarify communication even if the group has many different languages.  I’ve seen children rush to teach signs to newcomers so they can get to know each other right away.

I know there’s a lot of talk among advocates and experts about how important it is for American children to learn to communicate with people from different language and cultural background to support our country’s ability to compete in the global marketplace.  Right now, I am most interested in helping young children develop confidence, self-esteem, and the joy of being able to make new friends!

Karen Nemeth, Ed.M. is an instructor at Bucks County Community College in Pennsylvania.  She is also a consultant and website developer (www.languagecastle.com) on supporting dual and English language learners in early childhood education.  She is the author of “Many Languages, One Classroom: Teaching Dual and English Language Learners” (2009, Gryphon House).  She is a writer and consulting editor for NAEYC and is the Early Childhood Special Interest Group co-coordinator on the board of NJTESOL-NJBE.

I use the two together because they are bound. Respecting others necessitates understanding of their boundaries. As parents, in our efforts to raise our children, it sometimes feels easier to be prescriptive rather than fine-tuning our approach to their individual needs. Who has the time?! While the time often seems impossible to find, I believe that the short-term effort would mean very long-term gains.

Every child, like every adult, has a different set of boundaries. Even from very young ages, some may enjoy lots of cuddling while others can barely sit on our laps for more than a few seconds. Some kids naturally communicate about everything while others show more reticence. When we understand and respect the individual personalities and boundaries of our children, we are essentially telling them that we accept who they are.

Only from a position of acceptance can children truly grow. Children who are told to be something that they don’t feel at that moment is possible for them, become defensive and cling to the selves that they fear they are in danger of losing. Secure kids are kids who will extend themselves and take risks regardless of their starting position.

How do we as parents change the way we act and more importantly, feel? I think if parents accept that by respecting the boundaries of our children, we will raise them to be the best that they can be, change will feel easier. This becomes more challenging as our children grow older but the truth is that the more challenging it feels, the more important it will be!

I believe that prescriptive parenting serves us and not our kids. We often have to stand by and watch our child “fail” at something because we believe that there is a lesson that they need to learn. For this reason, I like to think of “failure” as showing our children enough respect that we have faith in their ultimate choices.

Believe me, as a mother of four I understand how difficult this is and sometimes not possible at all! No one said parenting was easy. Often it feels very counter-intuitive as we consciously put our protective selves aside, knowing that this will be the best for our children. I am a parent and I struggle with this daily.

Sharing our experiences as parents, our triumphs and our setbacks can be so helpful. I would love to hear what you think about this.

There are so many wonderful things about Jennifer Kolari‘s book “Connected Parenting” that I hardly know where to begin.

Kolari understands that even when parents feel despair, overwhelmed, angry or feel guilty because they no longer like their child, that these feelings are just a mask for fear and confusion. Kolari never blames parents who have lost their way and find themselves in a vortex of negativity. She understands, as a parent herself, how easily this can happen. Kolari’s book is about repairing and strengthening bonds between parent and child and between all relationships.  It is not about learning to love our child but learning how to love our child so that they feel lovable.

Of course, children and parents begin their journey in different places but all can benefit from learning the techniques outlined in “Connected Parenting.” Kolari provides a wealth of information for general parenting as well as specific direction for parents of children with special needs. Kolari states that the Connected Parenting method is based on, “therapy techniques, not parenting techniques.” It’s important to know this because many times following her techniques feels like the opposite of what should be happening. A general rule of thumb for Kolari is that the times when we feel least like following her techniques are exactly the times when we should.

“Mirroring” is at the crux of Kolari’s method and is like empathy but much, much more. To mirror our child is to empathize in a way that makes them feel that we are listening and have truly understood their experience. We reflect this back to them and use their reactions as a guide for when we have done it right. Children who feel heard and understood also feel validated, safe and lovable. These children will also be more able to understand themselves and will feel more in control of their behavior and feelings. They will also find it easier to understand and accept boundaries.

Kolari refers to a child as feeling “lovable” as opposed to “loved.” This really speaks to her understanding of parents who have arrived at her doorstep not because they no longer love their child but because the parent-child relationship has “frayed” and the experience of love is lost behind the cloud of anxiety, anger and despair. The Connected Parenting method helps us find that love again.

Kolari has some wonderful analogies throughout her book that really help parents understand what she is saying. She says that children need to feel connected to their parents to feel loved and safe so that they can explore their world in a healthy way. We must be careful, however, to not smother our child nor give them too much slack. She uses rock climbing to explain this concept. “When you rock climb, you often have a partner on the ground who is wearing a harness with a rope. … The rope literally connects the climber to his or her partner on the ground, who, in effect, gives him enough slack to move upward. And because the climber trusts the partner and feels the safety of the tension on the rope, he will have the confidence to reach farther and climb higher because he knows he can’t fall. The tension needs to be just right – too much and the climber can’t move, too little and he can’t feel the tension.”

Kolari exudes “realness” both as a person and as a parent. She shares many personal stories about her own imperfect parenting but strongly believes that, “In the game of life you always get a second chance.” She encourages parents to revisit situations that they may have handled incorrectly and rewrite them. She teaches parents that there is no room in the journey of parenting for defensiveness and power struggles. She shows us in clear and often touching ways that loving your child in ways that they feel lovable is empowering to both child and parent.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve the quality of the relationship with their child.

Connected Parenting is available for purchase at amazon.ca, amazon.com, and other retailers.